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Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Mourning

"Mourning" I like that word, better than "grieving". Softer word, I don't why people don't use it anymore. The Victorians had it right, a whole protocol on "mourning" which involved black draped windows and mirrors and a black wreath at the door, so everyone would know a tragedy had occurred -- then there was the dress "code".

Proper mourning periods in the Victorian period were as follows:

Death of husband: 30 months
Death of parent: 24 months
Death of grandparent: 9 months
Death of child: 9 months
Death of sibling: 6 months
Death of aunt/uncle: 3 months
Death of wife: 3 months

Okay, the last one sucks and is sexist... I admit!

"Deep mourning" was the first year after a husband died. Victorian widows in "deep mourning" wore black crepe dresses without trimmings. Plain black crepe veils were worn covering their faces. The veils were worn with wider hems at the beginning of the deep mourning period. Crepe, in it's finest form, is a very fragile material, tends to shred, tear easily and also black crepe will turn brown after much wear. This tattered, brown appearance lead to the phrase "widow's weeds".

After a year, the widow could discard crepe as a fabric, but still dressed in all black be it silk or satin or serge. But black, unbroken by any color. She would not wear jewels or any embellishment considered too frivolous.

After 18 months, the widow entered "half mourning" which meant she could wear black dresses trimmed with black ribbons or black lace, as well as white cuffs or a white collar. Other suitable trimmings included black embroidery, bands of black velvet, jet or black beads -- but these must be "dull" in color.

It was not suitable for a widow to go out socially during "deep mourning".

Okay, you all are wondering why am I writing this --- those who know me well, know that I have always loved the Victorian era and wrote and published a book on Victorian fashion, which I started collecting in my teenage years and am considered somewhat of an "expert" on...

But also, I am writing this because the Victorians had it right in many ways (except the widower thing, ha!). By wearing mourning dress, people actually understood what the person was going through and treated that person with respect, gentleness and care. No one would dare say such things as "get over it", "go on with your life",  etc. etc.

And I do wish we had some such signal today. Just to let people know that I am in "mourning", so please be gentle and kind.

"Mourning" went out of fashion during WWI, when the president asked the nation to stop the custom as it made for "too gloomy of a home front" for returning soldiers.

Another word I love is "melancholy" so much better than "sad" or "down" or "depressed". One of my all time favorite poems, by Tennyson is this untitled sonnet:

Check every out flash, every rudder sally
Of thought and speech; speak low and give up wholly
Thy spirit to mild-minded melancholy:

This is the place. Through yonder polar valley
Below the blue-green river windeth slowly;
But in the middle of the somber valley
The crisped waters whisper musically,

And all the haunted place is dark and holy
The nightingale, with long and low preamble,
Warbled from yonder knoll of solemn larches
And in and out the woodbine's flowery arches
The summer midges wove their wanton gambol
And all the white stemmed pinewood slept above

When in this place, first, I told my love.

I just wish more people understood. I am in mourning and sometimes give up wholly to mild-minded melancholy. It's a totally normal reaction to what I've been though.

And thank you Vindi Vin for the link you left in your comment, which finally explained a question I just asked my therapist last week (she couldn't answer it): what is the difference between "pain" and "suffering"? and that article said "Pain + Resistance = Suffering".

Makes sense to me. In other words, you need to "feel it to heal it". So -- excuse me if I linger a bit in my mourning process.

Wish black crepe and black veils were still in fashion....






7 comments:

Barb Polan said...

I once read that you see so many Italian and Greek women in black because they know that once you've lost a beloved, you never come out of mourning; thus, they wore black forever after their loss.

My understanding, though, is that "black" included shades of purple, so that a woman who lived near here 100 years ago was known as the "lavender lady" for her progression from black through purple after losing her fiancé. Her eccentric next-door neighbor lined his window sashes adjacent to her property with purple glass in her honor.

9 MONTHS FOR LOSING A CHILD?!?! Whoever wrote that protocol was not a parent.

BTW, after I had the stroke, when my husband Tom found out that his company's paid time off allowed for 3 days after a spouse died, he was appalled - "I'd be taking off a lot longer than that if you had died."

Diane said...

Barb, I know the 9 month thing seems impossible, but it was the accepted standard and those were the days without birth control and large families -- so I guess that's why.

Around 1880, lavender, silver and gray were acceptable colors to wear for "half-mourning" so probably why the "lavender lady" wore purple.

Queen Victoria never went out of "mourning" and continued to dress in black for the rest of her life after Prince Albert died. She also had his jacket pressed every morning and a place set at the table for him until the day she died...

And that sucks, 3 days off after a spouse dies! Cruel, that's all I can say. Jeepers. Whoever wrote that "policy" evidently doesn't like his/her spouse that much.

take care

Diane said...

Also, Barb, thinking about it -- a very high infant mortality rate -- no antibiotics, children died of many diseases now easily treatable -- just a fact of life, back then.

Stephany in Iowa said...

I have been thinking about this blog for several days, Diane. Your strong evocative voice spoke volumes about mourning and society. I have a few scattered thoughts:

1. Last night, I finished "Lincoln in the Bardo." It was recommended to me by my reading partner (my massage therapist), and I found it ironic that it also spoke of mourning. If you enjoy that style of writing, you might also enjoy this book.

2. I think you're on to something with the colors. I wouldn't blame you if you did a bit of draping at The Pink House...maybe some tasteful purple swags.

3. Your therapist could not explain the difference between pain and suffering. That would be a red flag for me. If you have developed a rapport with the therapist, you may want to stay. However, if your rapport is not good, this might be another reason to think about another therapist.

4. How is the EMDR going?

Please, keep on writing. Your insight is welcoming.

Stephany in Iowa

Diane said...

Hi Stephanie -- my rapport is very good with my therapist -- saw her today, she had also a bit of confusion over "pain" vs. "suffering" during our last session, and she had done some research to show me today and I showed her the "Pain + Resistance = Suffering". We talked about it for a long time.

I stopped doing EMDR, because I thought I was a bit more comfortable with the traumatic memories of Bob's death day, but as the anniversary approaches (in May) I find it's all creeping up again. She suggested doing some more EMDR

Hard time right now. May is is around the corner and I hate May.....

Thanks for thinking of me, and I will look into that book.

Unknown said...

First off, you're welcome! :-) Secondly, I too love the Victorian era, many things about it, but I am far from an expert on it. I loved reading your expert view on the mourning topic. As I was reading it, it occurred to me that in that day and age, there weren't as many people living then, there wasn't the crime there is today, and most people were very well mannered and raised to be respectful of people in general. Of course there were exceptions, but for the most part it was just how the 'world' was at the time. Now-a-days that simply isn't the case, the world in general is a very selfish place. People live in an 'entitled' bubble, where they think (and believe) that everyone owes them something. The empathy, charity and tenderness that used to exist in people, no longer exists. Please understand, I am not applying this to EVERYONE, but I grew up in a day when you didn't have to lock your doors & if you left your keys in your car over night, your car would still be there in the morning. Drugs were 'out there', but not as prevalent as today. Today things and people are different, life and living have changed us as a nation. That in part is why the Victorian era was as wonderful as it was, today, it wouldn't get off the ground, assuming you applied the same rules and thought process. Diane, you don't have to wear black, you don't have to apply any rules, you take whatever time it is you need to get through this phase of your life, I say phase, not to be disrespectful, but because that's what it is. A portion of your life that is unlike any other portion of your life. As with any journey, you'll arrive at a destination, that destination will mean that you've lived through this and learned how to cope with this loss. That's your goal. Make sure you're headed toward that goal and be even MORE sure that you don't get stuck in place & wallow, keep on keeping on .... step by step... and one day you'll be looking back on this from the other side, healed and moving forward. I am certain that Bob would want that for you. The mutual love you shared is proof of that. Hugz! :-))

Cockeyed Jo said...

Diane, I'm fashionably late to the party as usual. Death of a spouse is 40 months? I'd say more. We are both past that mark.

3 months of mourning for a wide in Victorian times sounds about right. Men need the stability of a good woman. Can you see a man doing laundry, cooking and doing dishes for longer. Plus there was the question of children. With female and child mortality rates so high, there was a need.

9 months for a death of a child sounds about right to. It takes that long to have another. But I'm still mourning my son who died in 1994.