Yes, you read that right.
After the last "workshop" meeting, January 19th, which all in all, I thought went pretty well, I received an e-mail from the group's facilitator telling me that I was officially "removed" from the group.
The reason for this, she wrote, was because the daughter of the golf club manager (where this meeting was held) is allergic to dogs. And of course, I had Kona with me.
She went on to say that some of my comments on the public forum were "rude" and "complaining" and perhaps I should find a "more suitable" group.
I'm reading this, shocked. I have no idea what she is talking about "rude" comments and "complaining" as I don't remember doing anything like that. I had actually, in total, only been to three meetings and that includes the one I fled. And remember only leaving two comments, the first one thanking everyone for their support and encouragement, and the last one, I did mention that the room "was noisy" but that I enjoyed meeting some new folks (there were 3 new members there) and was looking forward to our next meeting. But other than that the room was noisy (it was), I don't recall saying anything that could be considered rude or complaining.
None of this made sense to me, until I starting to think about it. First of all, this group meets at a different location every time (or at least every time I've attended), so it shouldn't matter one bit if this so-called "daughter" was allergic to dogs, as chances would be, we wouldn't meet there again, anyway.
Also, when I first got to the last meeting, I went to my "usual" spot, as my dog trainer told me to do when I have Kona with me, and this is to find a seat at the end of the table, preferably in a corner, so that Kona isn't left out in the aisle where people have to step over or around her and I can keep her in my sightline. But as I was setting down my things, a woman I'd never met before, came and sat down next to me and asked me to "move" because she was allergic to dogs. Mind you, there were 9 empty chairs at this table, and I began to explain that I'd rather have the corner chair, but someone called to me and said, "You can sit by me, I don't mind Kona." And so I moved over, which of course left Kona stuck in the aisle. Not the best scenario.
And then, during our readings, this same woman (allergic to dogs) who described herself as a "retired physician" really ripped apart my writing, saying she wanted "more facts" and wanted to know "what the doctors were thinking and doing" and I tried to explain that this is a memoir, and I can't mind-read what doctors "are thinking" and I can only report what I know at the time that this scene is taking place.
So I think that woman was the one who complained, not this mysterious "daughter" who by the way I never saw....
BTW, this same woman who ripped my pages apart, also ripped apart another woman's story about how she met her husband at a sock hop in the 1950s. This same woman actually took the copy of the sock hop story and threw it on the table, saying "I can't even relate to this!!!! I was in Bosnia in the 50's, dodging bullets and hiding in cellars, and here you are at a dance. It's just ridiculous!"
I do think that woman has some issues. Anyway...
Of course, I shot the facilitator an email back, telling her how shocked I was at being "removed", and also sent her a link regarding ADA laws and regulations regarding Service Dogs and access to public places (the golf club is a public place), and telling her what she did was illegal, but I would not be pursuing it because I don't want to belong to a group that doesn't want me there.
All of this was quite upsetting for me, actually VERY upsetting, as you all know how difficult it was for me to just "get the nerve up" to go to these meetings, read my writing aloud amidst strangers, so frightening, I fled mid-way through the first meeting, never did read that first chapter but pulled myself together and went to the next meeting and read the first part of Chapter 2 and was proud to have done it -- and both my therapist and shrink were very proud of the fact that I did get the courage to go -- and then this happens.... aargh.
There is an upside, though, to this story. I did have some of the personal e-mail addresses of some of the members and so I sent a group message, telling them what happened and how much I would miss them, and thanking them for their encouragement, critiques, comments, suggestions and support. And wished them the best of luck with their writing. And ended that if anyone wanted to keep in touch, to feel to contact me.
And since then, two members wrote back that they definitely wanted to keep in touch, exchange writings via e-mail and providing feedback with each other. And then a third woman, who is also writing memoir, asked if I wanted to "get together" every other week or so and work on our writing together. And actually, this sounds much better than that stupid group!
A couple people who responded were pissed, to the point of one who said he was personally going to confront the facilitator because this was "just not right". One member said he would miss me "tremendously" because my readings were "the highlight" of the meetings. And another said, "don't take it personally, you are a terrific writer!" But even so, even if I'm told I can re-join the group, I don't think I want to ---
PS: My therapist thinks I got kicked out because the facilitator is jealous because I'm a better writer than she is....which maybe true -- but who knows, I've never read any of her writing -- all I know I was deeply hurt, and now even more anxious about taking Kona out in public to new places or to another writers group, someone else might complain or "be allergic", and I don't know --- perhaps it's all for the best... the universe works in strange ways...
PSS: Everyone at the grocery store loves Kona! So I don't get it. She is a well mannered, trained service dog....
6 comments:
I’m going to go out on a limb here, and suggest that the universe (or Bob, or both) are sending you a message. A strong message, that you haven’t yet translated. You went to this group, hat in hand, with a powerful story and significant talent. You felt uncomfortable for a reason, and you misunderstood the reason for your unease. So, you went back, and the message was even stronger, until you recognized it. This isn’t the group for you.
You are going to end up with the group that will help you with the story you are meant to tell. This group is forming around you right now, and will be exactly what you need for bringing the story to fruition. Kona was helping you, Bob is helping you, and I’d like to help, but all I can do is say “right on” (because I’m a child of the 60’s, and “write on” because I believe in you.
Fly.lf
I think Stephany Harvey is "right on" with her post!
I try to never say what I'd do if I haven't been in a particular situation..however, I wouldn't go back to that group if they paid me. They're lucky you aren't pursuing any actions regarding their blatant disregard for the ADA. You and Kona will end up in exactly the right place for you..And I've no doubt wherever you end up will benefit from you being there.
I also recently joined a writers group. Another woman there and I took an instant dislike to a person who had taken an instant dislike to me. Her first antagonistic comments were about having the same name - she insisted on being called "Barbara," but wanted me to go by something else. I complied and said, "Call me Barb." The other writer who disliked Barbara told me that after our first meeting, Barbara sent the rest of the group email that emphasized what we would each be called and she certainly didn't't want them to confuse the 2 of us. I then started calling her "B-B-B-Bitch" when referring to her.; yes, I'm a child. Most people I told the story to said she must be jealous, even though I've written a mystery and hers is "philosophical," with no plot or action. She definitely looks down on my writing, and even mocked it at a reading, repeating the same phrase (of mine) over and over in a nasal voice.
In response, the "other" woman and I worked really hard to find redeeming aspects of Barbara's work, and gave her that positive feedback, the only negatives pointing out some embarrassing typos - morays instead of mores, for example.
We stuck it out, and she is now even complimentary about my work.
But, at the start, she disliked me because of my NAME.
Thank you Stephanie and Kan/Dav, perhaps you are right on "write on" . I do believe something else was/is going on here.
And Barb, sorry about your experience, but glad you held your ground... Glad, also, to hear you are writing again.
Wow, these writing groups sound like a bunch of immature grown ups.
I completely agree with Stephany - very insightful! <3 Though I'm sorry you had to go through yet another emotional trial. Ugh! I've been impressed with your fortitude and encourage you to keep going! Yeh, not easy. Life is exhausting.
I've recently joined a newly formed writer's group through my local library. I really like the two moderators and the folks in the group. I wish we weren't so shy! Ground rules are feedback in kind and constructive ways. I read next month....very nervous. No one likes their babies criticized, do they?!
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