I swear sometimes I feel as if I've been split in two. Developed two personalities--a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on here. Make that Nurse Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.
It was a rotten weekend to say the least. Bob: cranky, uncooperative, needy. He spent 4 hours and 20 minutes clutching the urinal on Saturday, refusing to do any therapy and I got so fed up, I just went and spent the afternoon scrubbing the bathroom working off my angst. And his peg tube keeps clogging. I had to take him back to see a doctor about a week ago because the darn thing was clogged up again. They managed to get it flowing again but since it's been constantly reclogging and even when it's open, it's running slow as heck (a tube feed that used to take 10-15 minutes now takes 30 minutes) and this is so frustrating. I have another new arsenal of weapons including a peg tube brush and Adolph's meat tenderizer yet still... Then he's developed this weird fixation with his bottom which is always "wet" or "yuck" and no matter how many times I change him, wash him, wipe him off, powder him, it's still "yuck" to the point where I find myself just snapping at him. Like I've developed a "bitch switch" and there it goes Snap! and I have turned into this screaming monster that I don't even recognize.
Lord, some days, I just want to run away from home.....
Last night, the bitch switch snapped again and I really read him the riot act. Because sometimes he just pushes me too far and he's so darn needy and whiney and nothing I do is good enough, so I told him that if he wasn't careful I'd end up in the looney bin because I just can't take this anymore and he'd have to go to a nursing home and where would we be then? I went on and on, lord, even about the fact that he never thanks me for all I do and when he was in the hospital he always thanked those nurses, always squeezed their hands and they all thought he was so charming, so why does he treat me like some kind of slave?
Well, this morning after he had a bowel movement and I cleaned him up, he actually gave me a little salute and a smile--his way of saying thanks when he can't find the words. Does my heart good.
I do have something to look forward to his week. My dear friend, Jenn, is coming to visit. This is the first visitor we've had since Bob has been home and I am so looking forward to it. I think it will do Bob a world of good too, cheer him up a bit, as I'm sure he gets lonely and bored and frustrated with just me around. And I am planning to get out of here for a few hours in the afternoon, my neighbor (Chris) volunteered to sit with Bob, so that Jenn and I can go out and just have some fun. It's been a long time since I've been out of this house just to have some fun. I think the last time was in November....
2 comments:
It's gotta be frustrating- it must feel like I used to when I worked first shift and sometimes the lower-functioning kids would drive me nuts without meaning to because they needed so much help, only I could leave after eight hours and not have to deal with it until the next day. I can't imagine what it must be like to not be able to "escape."
You deserve more respite care. Thank the Lord for Jenn and Chris!
Rob is so fortunate to have you - in either mode. Can you please be more gentle with yourself?
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