Four years ago

Four years ago tonight, I went to bed not realizing I'd wake up the next morning to find Bob gone and my whole world forever changed.....

Sweetheart, thanks for the memories. Love you, miss you, always.

RIP: my beloved: 1/16/59 - 5/28/15

Bob & Me: Happy Times

Tomorrow my dear friend, Hillary and I are going to a movie, so I can just get out of the house. My therapist, who knows Reiki healing, said she would send me "healing and strength" from a distance. My goal: make it through the day....  esp. the morning....

Oy May

This has been a bad month for me. I know, May is supposed to Springtime, the end of the school year, Memorial Day weekend and hence the beginning summer...

It's also "death month" and May 28th will mark 4 years that Bob has been gone.

Doesn't seem that long ago, seems like just yesterday, seems like a hundred years ago...

I admit, this year I'm not really dealing with it well.

Feels like I've taken 10 steps backward. Feels like the first days/weeks/months after he died. Brain fog. Talking to myself. Misplacing things. Forgetfulness. Exhausted. Unmotivated. You name it, I got it -- all those numbing grief symptoms, including insomnia, nightmares, the inability to concentrate, nauseated, shakiness, puking in the morning, panic attacks ... just want to sleep all day.

Doesn't help that my writing partner just went back north for the summer. She at least kept me motivated to keep writing as we would meet bi-weekly and I would have to have a new chapter in hand.

Doesn't help finally got all that estate paperwork done and over with (which is good, but all the talk of death that went along with it was rather depressing.)

Didn't help when I went to the bank to close out my security deposit box, the sign-in sheet had a BIG RED STICKER at the top of it proclaiming: ATTENTION: ROBERT IS DECEASED. And I had to look at that while filling out the paperwork to close the box....

This year, May 28th is the day after Memorial Day. So doesn't help these constant "Memorial Day Sale" advertisements bombarding me daily, reminding me the anniversary is coming soon.

May also marks the beginning of Hurricane Season, which certainly doesn't lift my mood.

So, May sucks. Grief sucks. What can I say?

I did sign up and am taking Spiritual Mentoring class online that started this month with the hope it will help me, especially this month. This class is supposed to help students find inner peace, our pathway and deal with grief, anxiety, etc. Two classes down so far, a lot of meditation -- which I'm not good at, but I am trying. Last night's class was on "awareness", "being present in the moment" and also a part on numerology -- finding our "higher self" and "purpose" through our birthdates -- interesting, cause my number (1) matched how I used to be (i.e. determined, confident, creative, unconventional, leadership -- to name few), except now I seem to be stuck on the "shadow side" of my numbers (stuck, lack of confidence) ...  I asked the instructor how one gets out of the "shadow side" and she told me to do three "Higher Self Awareness" mediations each week, and she'll check on my progress next class.

Working on it. Best I can.

Ghost Cat!

I swear this is not a "woo woo" post! I've actually had this little visitor on my porch several times, and in my backyard. He has a collar and tag so when he first showed up, I called the number on the tag to see if someone has lost this cat... turned out to "belong" to a neighbor across the street, however, they had only just adopted it, as it followed them home one night.....

At the same time, someone on our Neighborhood website posted they were looking for a lost tuxedo cat, and I thought, well, it might be this cat. So I messaged the person and told them we had a similar cat found in our neighborhood and I would try to get a photo of him the next time he showed up.

Which was the other night. So I went into the house to get my camera and darn it, if that cat didn't waltz right in after me. I picked him up and put him back on the porch, retrieved my camera, took the above photo, and as I'm taking my camera back into the house, this cat tried to follow me in. I caught him, at the doorway and nudged him back, gently, with my foot onto the porch and shut the door.

Coming out of my office, I see this cat sitting in the middle of the living room! I have no clue how he got in, I'm positive I shut the door. I'm positive he didn't sneak past me. I saw his head as I shut the door. I say (to the cat) "How the hell did you get in here?" and he quickly dashes under my sofa.

I look under the sofa, so I can grab him, but he's disappeared. Not there. In fact, I don't see him anywhere -- didn't see him run out from the under the sofa --- am I losing my mind??  I walk around house and finally find him in my office, with Ripley (our cat) and the two cats are just sitting quietly staring at each other.  Which is also very weird.  Not like Ripley at all, to act this way....

Well, I scooped up the black cat and took him back outside.  I tell you, a few nights ago, he was in my back yard which is totally fenced in with 6 foot privacy fence and I couldn't figure out how he got back there, but I picked him up (he's very friendly) and took him into the front yard, set him down, and before I turned around, I saw him go into the neighbor's yard and he simply vanished between the fence and their house.... at the time, I looked for him, I mean where did he go so fast? Did he jump the neighbor's 6 foot fence into their backyard? It was the only conclusion I could come up with, and I thought man, that cat can jump and he's fast.  Now I wonder...

This cat is either a ghost cat who can walk through walls and fences and doors or he has magical powers. He certainly had Ripley hypnotized.

Also, he doesn't seem to have a care in the world, Kona barks her head off at him when he comes into our yard, and the cat just walks right by her. Fearless, this cat. And very strange....  though, I must admit, he is a handsome devil....

PS: He wasn't the "lost" cat in the ad.