This has been a bad month for me. I know, May is supposed to Springtime, the end of the school year, Memorial Day weekend and hence the beginning summer...
It's also "death month" and May 28th will mark 4 years that Bob has been gone.
Doesn't seem that long ago, seems like just yesterday, seems like a hundred years ago...
I admit, this year I'm not really dealing with it well.
Feels like I've taken 10 steps backward. Feels like the first days/weeks/months after he died. Brain fog. Talking to myself. Misplacing things. Forgetfulness. Exhausted. Unmotivated. You name it, I got it -- all those numbing grief symptoms, including insomnia, nightmares, the inability to concentrate, nauseated, shakiness, puking in the morning, panic attacks ... just want to sleep all day.
Doesn't help that my writing partner just went back north for the summer. She at least kept me motivated to keep writing as we would meet bi-weekly and I would have to have a new chapter in hand.
Doesn't help finally got all that estate paperwork done and over with (which is good, but all the talk of death that went along with it was rather depressing.)
Didn't help when I went to the bank to close out my security deposit box, the sign-in sheet had a BIG RED STICKER at the top of it proclaiming: ATTENTION: ROBERT IS DECEASED. And I had to look at that while filling out the paperwork to close the box....
This year, May 28th is the day after Memorial Day. So doesn't help these constant "Memorial Day Sale" advertisements bombarding me daily, reminding me the anniversary is coming soon.
May also marks the beginning of Hurricane Season, which certainly doesn't lift my mood.
So, May sucks. Grief sucks. What can I say?
I did sign up and am taking Spiritual Mentoring class online that started this month with the hope it will help me, especially this month. This class is supposed to help students find inner peace, our pathway and deal with grief, anxiety, etc. Two classes down so far, a lot of meditation -- which I'm not good at, but I am trying. Last night's class was on "awareness", "being present in the moment" and also a part on numerology -- finding our "higher self" and "purpose" through our birthdates -- interesting, cause my number (1) matched how I used to be (i.e. determined, confident, creative, unconventional, leadership -- to name few), except now I seem to be stuck on the "shadow side" of my numbers (stuck, lack of confidence) ... I asked the instructor how one gets out of the "shadow side" and she told me to do three "Higher Self Awareness" mediations each week, and she'll check on my progress next class.
Working on it. Best I can.
3 comments:
It is really painful to lose our loved ones. But we should not allow sorrow to be lord of our hearts.
Definitely a tough month. Especially the security deposit box sticker. :( Bob is with you though. Keep on keeping on.
For you it's May for me it's October. I don't mourn the date of death as much as birthday and anniversary. I just remember to be gentle with myself during these times. The biggie for me for May is my first stroke anniversary. The day that changed everything again too. Hugs, babe. I'm right there with you.
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