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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Feeling a Bit Blue...

Perhaps, it's the holiday season or Bob's recent one-year stroke anniversary (I had truly thought he would have been so much better by now, standing on his own two feet, walking with a walker, or at least being able to get in and out of bed, so I wouldn't have to lift him so much...) anyway, I am feeling down in the dumps.

Perhaps, it's because the state is once again is demanding "proof" of Bob's disability and all of his monthly medical expenses, so I am digging through receipts and mounds of paperwork, so that he can keep his meager benefits.

Or because of the guy down the street, who daily comes by with his dog which uses our yard as its personal toilet, and when I caught him the act and confronted him, he threatened to burn our house down and told me it was his "right" to let his dog crap all over our yard and so now he comes back daily, and I am daily cleaning up after him, afraid to say anything else. (And you know, I know, if Bob had been well and confronted him--the whole situation would have turned out different.)

Or because Bob has been struggling at the rail in the hall these past couple of weeks, unable to even come close to his old record. And his bladder problems have come back, once again, with a vengeance....  and he still can't control his bowel movements... and he's given up on anything to do with his right arm/hand which is still limp and lifeless... and that this week, I packed up all his old blue jeans, because he can't wear them anymore and instead must wear pull-ups and it felt so sad, to pack them away, as if the man I used to know had died... and... and....

The list goes on.... And I am tired of being strong. Of smiling and telling everyone that everything is fine when it certainly isn't fine--I mean, my husband has been severely messed up from this stroke....

And I wonder how long I can keep this up.

Sorry about this depressing post. Don't even know why I'm writing this. Though it does help to vent a bit. I guess I am just overwhelmed at the moment and promise to be less depressing next time, with hopefully some better news to report.


Barb Polan said...

Please don't be concerned about or apologize for being honest. I'm sure everyone cries when they read your posts anyway - I know I do.

The only thing I can offer is that all of us survivors move backwards at times, rarely meet the calendar of our planned progress, are disappointed with the slow speed of recovery and are overwhelmed by our - and our spouses' - lost possibilities.

Sometimes, knowing that others' lives suck too is not a comfort and crying, venting or screaming is the only reasonable option.

On a more practical level: Is there someone who can help you organize your paperwork?

Anonymous said...

D. I'm so sorry. I know you are tired of being strong and you have EVERY right to vent about it. I don't know how you've been able to go this long without getting down right pissed about what a lousey deal both you and Bob have been dealt!!! You remember my crying about Stan's jeans awhile back, I think they represent our guys the way they were, masculine and strong.

You my friend have a plate so full and excuse my "French", it sucks!!

Well here's what the tough bitches do, get yourself a coke and whiskey tonite before bed and numb the pain slightly. Works for me!! But use caution, we have to take care of our hubbys so getting blasted is a No No(even tho it sounds like a good idea).

Know that I am here to listen. Luv ya, Patricia

Grace Carpenter said...

Even with a lot of support, sometimes Neal and I have felt painfully alone--in different ways--since the stroke. I'm thinking about you and Bob.

Douglas Bell said...

I had a stroke 5 years ago. It's takes a lot of time to recover. Now, I can walk with my walker when I go to the mall to walk (not shopping). In the house, I walk with my cane. At first, I couldn't lift my leg uo to go to bed.

Then, I read out loud EVERY day for at least an hour, sometime more.

I can't use my hand and arm even now, BUT I exercise the damned thing every day, and it's coming, slowly but it slow work.

Don't quit, please. If you stop, your life will stop, too. I'm 74 years old, I`m too young to go to a nursing home. I have help to keep the house up, but, now, I`m alone after 6 PM.

Keep on trying, and someday, you`ll reap the rewards. I don`t know when, but that`s the way life is. Too bad, but you`re not alone.

Doug Bell from Canada

Anonymous said...

Diane, I'm glad you posted about your frustrations and was able to vent rather than hold it all in.

I don't know of any caregiver that doesn't have down days, concerns over the progress or lack of progress of our loved one, wishing things would get better, wondering why me/us, and knowing that we really aren't as strong as the front we put on. Our private tears give us some relief, but we know more will come.

However, we move on day by day and sometimes those unexpected signs of improvement, those occasional words of thanks, and the smile we receive from our loved one makes it all worthwhile. We do what is right because that is who we are.

A song I listen to often has the line, "I am not an angel, I am just a man trying to love my woman like no other". Flip the man/woman around and that line fits you too. We aren't angels as so many depict us, but caring for our spouse as we do couldn't show our love any better.

Keep fighting, keep Bob fighting, and in time, everything will get better.

Caring1 (Dan)

Nikki said...

You have to vent sometimes, Aunt Diane- it's not good to keep everything inside. That would make you feel even worse.

Anonymous said...

while looking for some info to deal with my post stroke husband, I found your blog. It was comforting to read and know I am not alone.