Perhaps, it's the holiday season or Bob's recent one-year stroke anniversary (I had truly thought he would have been so much better by now, standing on his own two feet, walking with a walker, or at least being able to get in and out of bed, so I wouldn't have to lift him so much...) anyway, I am feeling down in the dumps.
Perhaps, it's because the state is once again is demanding "proof" of Bob's disability and all of his monthly medical expenses, so I am digging through receipts and mounds of paperwork, so that he can keep his meager benefits.
Or because of the guy down the street, who daily comes by with his dog which uses our yard as its personal toilet, and when I caught him the act and confronted him, he threatened to burn our house down and told me it was his "right" to let his dog crap all over our yard and so now he comes back daily, and I am daily cleaning up after him, afraid to say anything else. (And you know, I know, if Bob had been well and confronted him--the whole situation would have turned out different.)
Or because Bob has been struggling at the rail in the hall these past couple of weeks, unable to even come close to his old record. And his bladder problems have come back, once again, with a vengeance.... and he still can't control his bowel movements... and he's given up on anything to do with his right arm/hand which is still limp and lifeless... and that this week, I packed up all his old blue jeans, because he can't wear them anymore and instead must wear pull-ups and it felt so sad, to pack them away, as if the man I used to know had died... and... and....
The list goes on.... And I am tired of being strong. Of smiling and telling everyone that everything is fine when it certainly isn't fine--I mean, my husband has been severely messed up from this stroke....
And I wonder how long I can keep this up.
Sorry about this depressing post. Don't even know why I'm writing this. Though it does help to vent a bit. I guess I am just overwhelmed at the moment and promise to be less depressing next time, with hopefully some better news to report.