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Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Walk, A Wildebeest and A Bowel Movement

This morning, I woke up to hear Bob groaning in pain. So I dragged myself out of bed and asked him what was wrong. He replied, "I don't know." This is Bobspeak and it means he's about to have a bowel movement and I'm thinking, oh crap, quite literally but also because I did not give him his milk of magnesia last night. I did not give him it because he has a doctor's appointment today and the stuff doesn't always work fast and I didn't want him to have a bowel movement at the doctor's office or worse in the wheelchair transport on our way there or back. My plan was to give him it when we returned home.

I tell you, back in 1994 when Bob and I met, if someone had told me that I would one day be managing his bowel movements, right down to marking them on the calendar and planning them around appointments, I do believe I'd have fled right out the back door.

But back to this morning. So, I know Bob is constipated and this is not going to be easy. And I'm wondering if I should give him the milk of magnesia now or wait, because that could definitely backfire on me. Quite literally. So I disconnect his nightly feeding pump and flush his peg tube and crush and dissolve his meds and syringe them in and he still hasn't gone. By then, Boomer is getting antsy. Because he has to take care of business, too.

I tell Bob I'll take Boomer out for a quick one, meaning not our usual long mile or so walk, but just a few blocks so that Boomer can do his business and we'll be right back.

Out the door we go and it's already warm out. The temps here have been hovering around 82 degrees and it certainly doesn't feel like Christmas. I decide to take a different direction than usual since it's only a few blocks, and while Boomer is snorting around a tree on the boulevard, I look up and am quite startled to see a large cow in this neighbor's back yard.

I'm not kidding, it's a cow, or at least it looks like a cow. A huge gray cow and it's by the back chainlink fence, right by the alley and I'm looking past the neighbor's house, through the side yard, into the fenced in back yard. The cow is scratching its neck against the chainlink fence and sort of regarding me with one big brown eye.

I stand there, sort of amazed, because one doesn't see cows in our neighborhood. But the more I gaze in this cow's direction, the more I think something is wrong. It's not a cow. It's something else. A big something else. It's like one of those beasts from Africa, what are they called? An emu? No, not an emu. An emu is bird-like thing. It's one of those cow-like beasts that lions are always munching on in nature programs. It's a... a.... wildebeest!

For a second, I nearly turn and run. But then I remember, once, when we were kids, my sister and I wandered into a cow pasture and my sister, on seeing the cows, ran and all the cows ran after her. So running is probably not a good idea.

Then I notice another thing. The wildebeest has not moved. All this time I've been staring at it and it's been staring at me. Its head still cocked in that position, scratching its neck on the fence. Of course, I haven't moved either. We've both been kind of caught in the headlights, staring at each other. So I move a little bit, but the wildebeest does not move. I walk a little off, and the wildebeest is still staring at the spot where I had been standing. And then it hits me. It's fake! It's a fake wildebeest in this person's back yard.

So, you know, I have to check this out. Because, why on earth is there a fake wildebeest in this back yard. And what's it made of, any way?

Boomer and I make our way around the block and head down the alley, though, even then, I am a bit wary about approaching this wildebeest, because maybe I was wrong, maybe it isn't fake. But then, I see it, leaning against the fence and the closer we get to it, I can see it's actually a big plastic reindeer.

Yup. A Reindeer. I'm sure of this because there are two big holes in its plastic head where the antlers are supposed to be. But other than the holes, it's damn life-like looking. Like the real thing, not those cute Christmas decoration kind, but the real kind that you see at the zoo. And boy, did I feel stupid. The thing had me freaked out there for minute...

I had to laugh. All the way home, chuckle a bit. Ho Ho Ho! When we got home, Bob still hadn't gone and he was so uncomfortable that I broke down and gave him some milk of magnesia. And it did backfire on me, and now I have a mess on my hands. He's interrupted this blog three times now, for three diaper changes, and I just pray he dries up before the doctor's appointment this afternoon.


Anonymous said...

Ho Ho Ho !!!Next you'll be seeing Santa's sleigh, Ha! Ha! I am taking a chance to see if my laptop will let me leave this comment. I hope Bob was able to get to his Dr. appt. without incident. As caregivers we always seem to schedule EVERYTHING around our loved ones. I guess it just goes with the territory. Take care, Patricia

Jenn said...

Mwahahahahaha!!!! Priceless. (wildebeast)
ahh, it congers up a story of a native american indian.......lololz