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Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Serial Killer & The Exploding Catheter

Lately, I've been in a bit of a slump. A sort of caregiver's-burnout-don't-feel-like-doing-anything-more-than-I-have-to slump. This because Bob has been in an even worst slump. Ever since he quit PT, all he wants to do is lie around with his sore foot propped on a pillow and do nothing except shove hand towels up his butt....

I kid you not.

This is not because of any physical problem down there. No, this is because he is not moving around, not doing anything, and as he is paralyzed, he is always in the same position, flat on his butt and hence, he is perspiring down there. Profusely.

And I've got a truckload of hand towels to wash daily. And he still runs out of them. I hate to say, it's driving me nuts.

That being said, I've not been doing much this past week except fetching hand towels, and washing hand towels, and drying hand towels and folding hand towels.

That, and sort of taking a break from it all. I figure, I deserve a break, now and then. Right? And next week is going to be a busy one with three doctor's appointments and finally, a feeding tube replacement!

So, the other day, I was "taking a break" and we spent a quiet afternoon watching a movie. It was one of those the-nice-guy-next-door-turns-out-to-be-a-serial-killer movies. We were just at the climax of the movie, you know the part where the cute, but dimwitted, young heroine is standing in the serial killer's kitchen when she comes across a wallet containing the driver's license of a missing woman and it dawns on her that this nice guy, whose kitchen she is standing in, is in fact a serial killer. Just then, the killer is coming upstairs from the basement. With each step he takes, the basement stairs are creaking: creak creak creak... and you are gripping the edge of your seat and thinking run, you stupid bimbo, run!  Just then, at that very moment, there is a loud, and I mean, really loud explosive SQUEEAK!

I tell you, I shot up from my seat so fast, I nearly hit the roof. Because that SQUEEAK was not in the movie but in our house! And I thought, lord almighty, there is some kind of giant rodent or squirrel or other wild beast in the house.

Then, I looked over at Bob and to my horror saw a fountain of pee shooting from the crotch from his pants. Oh shit! And I mean this thing was shooting, straight up in the air. A long arcing stream of piss flying straight up into the air.  I tell you, I just stood there mesmerized for a moment. Amazed. I'd never seen anything like it.

Then, I dash to the kitchen to grab some hand towels, and, of course, there aren't any towels left because Bob has shoved them all up his ass. So I grab some dish towels instead and dash back to Bob and throw them on top of his crotch in an attempt to stamp out that fountain of piss. And really, I am totally baffled because this has never happened before. And Bob has his condom catheter on so why in the world is piss flying into the air. Unless his leg bag has sprung a leak. Finally, I think I've got the fountain of piss under control and I remove the towels and then attempt to pull Bob's pants down to take a look at the catheter bag, and in the process of removing his pants I somehow manage to reactivate the fountain and it shoots straight at me.

Now I am drenched with pee and, of course, Bob is drenched with pee. As is the bed. And the towels which I have quickly thrown on top of him to stop this new assault. But now I can see that the catheter bag attached to Bob's leg is empty. Which is weird. So the pee must coming out of the top of the condom catheter. I can also see that there is more urine trapped between the condom catheter and the catheter bag and it's not going down, for some reason, so that's why it's going up, instead. So I, first, detach the leg bag straps. Then I try to sort of shake the urine down into the bag. Nothing happens. Then I try to squeeze the urine down into the bag. Which truly backfires on me. And another explosion of pee squirts out the top of the catheter. Finally, I decide I must take the whole contraption off, because something is definitely malfunctioning.

Once I have the condom catheter off, I have to clean up Bob and clean up the bed, then clean up me... Then I take the condom catheter to the kitchen to get a good look at it. But I don't see any apparent problem. So I attach the still sticky condom to the kitchen faucet. I turn on the faucet and the same time taking a step backward, just in case. But the water goes down into the bag....

Evidently, there was a kink somewhere in the tube. And the urine backed up to the point it exploded out the top with a loud SQUEEAK. At least that's what I think happened.

All I can say is, glad this didn't happen out in public.

And so much for my well deserved break...


Anonymous said...

And I thought "Murphy" was always hanging around me giving me grief with problems. Apparently he made a quick trip to your home for a visit too.

I do hope you have a much better and very relaxing day today. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs and prayers, Dan

Anonymous said...

All I can say is you are an amazing woman!!!!!
Hugs to you, Alice

barbpolan said...


Yes, you need - and deserve - respite.

Did she run?

Diane said...

LOL Barb! And I'm glad someone actually thought this post was funny---I was beginning to wonder, because it seems to be going over like a wet blanket. Sometimes I think my humor is just to dark...

And no, of course, she did not run! Got captured and held in the basement but---finally made it out at the end of the movie.

thanks for your comment!

J.L. Murphey said...

And the roller coaster never stops. I'm with you.