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Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Company -- finally

Tomorrow, I have a dear friend arriving from up north to stay here for two weeks. This will be my first visitor since Bob died. Since then, I have been utterly alone.

And it's been so hard. Harder than I ever imagined. Some days, I just feel paralyzed. Other days, I feel like a zombie -- on auto pilot. Most days, I am in tears. I have not been doing so well.

I know, people say, "well, good thing Chris is there" and she is, and I'm grateful -- but, Chris does not understand this at all.  For one, she's never been married, let alone had a soulmate, and she's impatient with me to "get it together",  sometimes to the point of harping at me and criticizing me --- for example on July 4th when I was really breaking down, her response was "Well, I always spend holidays alone! It's not bad! You just have to keep busy!"  grrr...   In addition, she's going through her own medical crisis -- so pretty much spends the days either vomiting or with diarrhea -- and I get the whole story on that...  So, not much support there, I'm afraid.

I've been reading some memoirs on widowhood, (just finished Joan Didion's A Year of Magical Thinking, and Gail Lynch's In Sickness & In Health and am working my way though Joyce Carol Oates A Widow's Story) and the thing that strikes me is that at first, those widows are surrounded by family and friends -- and I haven't been.  I'm just here alone.  Which really, by the way, sucks.

So! I'm looking so forward to Lori, my dear old friend (we've known each other since high school) arriving tomorrow and staying for a couple of weeks.  I really, really need this -- and I've made her promise that we will do a "spa day" with a massage and hair cut (the latter for me, I really need one) and she must drag me there, if I protest!

Also, I've spent some time getting together a guest room in our spare bedroom -- had to buy a bed, mattress, curtains, bedding, etc. And though, it's not been exactly "fun" -- it's kept me busy.

I'm truly looking forward to this visit. So if this blog is quiet for a couple of weeks, you know why.

Meanwhile, the house is getting pinker by the day!  Still far from done, but it's getting there.  I'm probably the only person who hires the painter with the prosethic leg (I'm not kidding, he really does have one)--- but I do like to hire folks who need the work. And he's doing a great job, even though it's slow going!
Window box, columns, some trim still not painted. But getting there!
(Click to enlarge.)

I so wish Bob was here to see it. He helped pick out the colors. He would have been so happy...

Boomer is still hanging in there. He has lost a lot of weight (64 lbs. now, down from 87 lbs in May and 102 lbs at his prime of life), and now has an eye infection, but on his vet visit today, Hillary thought he looked "happier" (because of Kona?).  He's got some new eye ointment and we are trying a different appetite stimulant -- it is a daily struggle to get him to eat.  The vet thinks Boomer might have some kind of cancer (because of his weight loss/appetite loss), but with his hip dysplasia + arthritis + old age -- thinks it would be too hard on him to put him through tests/treatments -- and after Zenith (who did have cancer and died after the tumor removal) I really don't think I even want to go there... Even as my heart is breaking...

Kona still has an ear infection, so new meds for her, too.

Ripley chilling out, taking over some of Zenith's former duties -- like meeting me at the door! Which is so cute.

And my chipped/sprained wrist is still killing me --- but seems to be a little better today.  Bad thing is I keep using it/straining it, so it's taking awhile to heal...

But I have question -- for all my readers -- I've been wondering, do I keep blogging here? At the pinkhouseonethecorner -- or should I start a new blog? You know, a sort of Diane-without-Bob widow's blog?

There are pros and cons to both... And I'm just thinking out loud. Would like some feedback.  Thanks.


11 comments:

Denise said...

I really love the "Pink House on the Corner" and even though Bob is gone, it still makes me think of him and you. But I'll still look forward to your posts even if you change the name, and I'm so glad your friend will be with you for a while.

John Lightner said...

Please keep PHOTC, it is your trademark and a tribute to Bob

Anonymous said...

Diane - please keep the Pink House on the Corner. I love your writings and like all I get inspiration from them. Your strength even now give us all hope and blessings. Do enjoy your time with your friend. Do something crazy at least once and please laugh a little. Love, Peggy

Anonymous said...

I'm torn. I kept a journal while my deceased husband was sick and that was all it was about - our brain tumor journey. Then once he passed I signed it off on January 31,2007. I bought a new journal and started it my life as a widow on February 1, 2007. Although I can look back on that time at a touch - life does go on and it is tough, but I don't believe it's good to live in the past. Take all your memories with you into your new blog and as you post you can pull memories from the old one and insert when need be. But my favorite saying is opinions are like assholes - everyone has one :)
Sooooo totally up to yourself - but please let me know if you start a new - take care of yourself and enjoy your friend to the fullest.
Your friend - Trudy from Texas xoxoxo

KanDav said...

Diane,
I'm sorry things are so rough going. I can only imagine. David and I have been together 34 years, married 32 of them. We were really babies when we married, I was 18, he was 20. We have 1 son who is 29.
And though we married so young, we really are soulmates as well. Our love is deeper not in spite of, but because of MS, Lupus, Stroke. Occasionally (ok, more than I care to admit) my mind goes "there"... as to what if?? And it scares the you know what out of me. But I know I can't "know" how it feels until I "know" how it feels.

I was reeling after David's stroke in January, when I happened upon TPHOTC/your and Bob's story. Reading it from the beginning, a lil at a time, sharing bits of it with my guy, steadied me... Funny how I never would've thought reading about "strangers" would not only resonate with me, but be a bit of a calming force.

I have no preference on if you adapt the name, I think you should do what feels right to you. And I think you'll know what that it is. You can always change things at any time, and or change it back...That's the beauty of it being your blog. ��

I do hope you'll continue blogging in some capacity. And I hope you get some much needed support, along with some "steadying" from your friend and her visit.
Happy to hear your 4 legged family are all hanging in there as well!
Take care,
Kan

Barb Polan said...

Hi Diane: Since you asked, my opinion is for you to keep the name and continue on, perhaps the musings as someone who is coping with a profound loss; stroke survivors (and many others) can certainly relate to that. Unless, of course, you move out of that pink house, which is looking gorgeous and happy. Nice work for a guy with just one of his original legs; ladders must be a challenge.

And I'm so glad that Lori is coming for a nice, long visit. Spa Day sounds like a good idea.

In addition, you're a writer, so can you use any of this as fodder for a new book? Perhaps along the lines of, "A Year of Magical Thinking"? That's what we do, right? Take people, places, experiences and imagination and turn them into a new story.

God bless you, Barb

Rebecca Dutton said...

Perhaps you do not need to add another change to your life right now. Whatever you decide I would love to keep reading your posts.

J.L. Murphey said...

You can keep this blog. For at least the first year. It's your connection to Bob and what you've been through and still going through. After that, then decide. Now is not the time for changing what you're comfortable with. You've already are going through changes enough.
But Diane, I'd read you no matter what blog your on. Just keep blogging.
I understand alone, but I've got the opposite problem here. Too many faces when all I want is some alone time.

Mike Furr said...

The question you ask us comes from a place only you really have the answer too. We all connect with the "pink house" but maybe it doesn't mean the same to you anymore. If you think it's time to move on from this blog to another then you should do it. Those of us who care will follow....

Linda said...

Diane, you are in my prayers and thoughts. I am looking at that joyful picture of Boomer on your page and thinking what a happy, lucky boy he was to have shared his life with you and Bob. I am glad you have Ripley to welcome you home and now Kona to love too.

I am sorry to realize you have been spending so much time alone and so glad your friend is going to spend time with you.

I am glad you are going to keep blogging wherever you do it. I think it is perfectly reasonable to keep on going right here in your online pink home.

Enjoy your time with your friend!

Anonymous said...

Diane, At this point in your sorrow and life, I believe it is best you continue with the blog as is. When you reach that point sometime in the future, when you realize and accept you must move on, then begin that new journey with a blog change.

When I lost my wife 2-1/2 yrs ago, as you know I stayed on Daily Strength as a caregiver supporter for nearly another year. But for me, it finally became time to move on and I closed out of DS. Though thoughts of the past & that love of 32+ yrs. return daily, I've learned I need to live for now & the future. You'll know when the time comes.

With hugs & prayers,

Dan