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Saturday, July 4, 2015

First Holiday Alone

Today has been hard.  Tonight there will be fireworks, folks out there having a good time.

I have spent the day, alone, curled up on Bob's hospital bed, in tears.

I keep the phone by the bed, but rarely does it ring, anymore. I'm sure everyone is pretty tired of this weepy widow.

I have two sick puppies by my side.  Boomer -- the usual end of life issues.  Kona has developed an infection on her incision site (from the spay) and is vomiting.  Took Kona back to the vet yesterday. She's got new meds and a prescribed "bland diet". Though the doctor thinks the vomiting might be "stress related".   I can certainly relate to that, as I've been doing the same.

Tonight, I light a candle by Bob's ashes, his sunglasses, watch, a lamp that he restored, along with Zenith's ashes, her collar, seashells from our honeymoon.  My little memorial table:

Some days, I just don't know how to deal with this....


DebbieL said...

Big hugs! Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Lots of thoughts, prayers, and hugs.


KanDav said...

I think you're dealing with everything exactly how you're supposed to. Whatever "supposed" to is...
Grief is different for everyone, and such an individual deal. While we all will experience it on some level at one time or another, how each of us goes through it is as individual and varied as we ourselves are.

Someone wisely advised you to give yourself time, great advice that was.
And while Bob isn't with you physically, I believe his soul is with yours. I don't think the love that you and he shared can be broken by death. Wounded? Yes. Broken? No.
I will keep you in my prayers, and I want you to know you have helped me and my hubby more than I can put into words just by sharing some of Bob's and your story. Just knowing others have made it through what you are going through, that you're not alone, makes a huge difference.

Grace Carpenter said...

Thinking of you, and sending you love.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you had such a rough night. My heart goes out to you. I know there are no words to take away the pain. I just hope your heart will feel a little lighter soon.


J.L. Murphey said...

The point don't have to deal with this. Not now anyhow. The first year after a death of a loved one is full of memories. This is as it should be. I know you are doubting yourself, but it will come. Afterwards in hindsight, you'll be filled with memories and it will be less painful. You might even have a smile on your face instead of tears.
Allow the tears to flow. I know I do. I know you are thinking doctor heal thyself when you read this, but I'm right along with you except I'm still in limbo,on death watch, and planning a funeral.

Huggles honey.