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Wednesday, November 18, 2015


Folks have been asking how am I doing? And my normal response is "hanging in there", though some days I don't seem to be doing even that (hanging) to well...

This blog has turned into a "dog blog" because Kona is the only positive thing in my life at the moment.

I am still deep in an ocean of grief. Truth be told, I am not doing so well. Physically, I am visibly trembling. Often nauseous. Still vomiting some mornings. Emotionally, I am afraid -- of what? everything, it seems.  Driving is a big one. Shopping, too, has triggered huge panic attacks for me. Even afraid to write, to spill out my heart and soul. I feel so emotionally paralyzed. It's hard to describe, but some days I am afraid to even pick up the phone. And I still haven't called any of the nursing homes to schedule a visit with Kona...

Most days, I hide in the house. Keep the shades pulled down.

This is so unlike me -- the former me, who used to be so outgoing, that me seems to have disappeared into the vast beyond along with Bob. I do not recognize this person I've become.

Grief groups have come to a halt, though five us meet for lunch now, but unfortunately the talk often revolves around things like hearing aids! ha! and I feel so young compared to these other widows...

I am seeing a grief counselor, one on one, through Hospice. I'm not sure if it's helping much. She (the therapist) thinks I should see an actual psychiatrist (who can prescribe meds, etc.) so I did call around and booked an appointment, but no one has openings until January ....

I am going to ask Kona's dog trainer if there is something we can teach Kona to do, to calm my nerves when I get this way... make her into an actual "psychological support dog" for me.

Meanwhile, one day at a time...


Leslie H said...

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Mourning takes as long as it takes. For the past 5 (I think) years you were a fulltime caregiver. Caregiving became your purpose in life. It was too long for it not too. So on top of mourning the loss of your love, you are at a loss for your own purpose.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. You've suffered a tremendous loss. Not many people have to deal with the stress of being a caregiver, the stress of watching someone you love deteriorate before your eyes and cope everyday with all the extra trials of life.
Then you suffered the death of your husband, cat and dog all within days of one another.
Diane you are doing the best you can right now. Not many people would still be standing. And you have rescued a dog and keep going.
I respect your bravery !

Pat Nixon

Stephany Harvey said...

January!!! Screw that, dear. Go to your primary physician/practitioner/PA/RPN and ask for some relief. Not from the grief and reality, but from the depression that is strongly impacting your way to cope with the grief. Getting started on a low dose of an SSRI or equivalent could break the cycle enough to get your shades up. And keep writing. We all want to hear from you.

KanDav said...

Stephany took the words out of my reply...
I'm not ashamed to say I'm one of those peeps who needed more than the grief therapy could give. I take meds for depression and anxiety, and I have for a few years.
When the neurotransmitters are depleted, they're depleted. Sometimes it takes medicine to get things "going again". There are so many different options these days than there were even 5 years ago. I don't think it's any different than a person needing meds for high blood pressure or diabetes.
I had to try a couple of different ones before I found a combo that works for me. And when they say give it 4-6 weeks, listen..It doesn't happen overnight. For me it wasn't like one day I woke up and all was sunny and was more like I noticed for a few days in a row when I woke up I actually didn't want to keep laying there...forever.
I'd say see your GP/Primary Dr, whatever to at least talk about options, and possibly start on a med. Keep the appointment with the Psychiatrist, too. Since they specialize, they're more likely to be able to tailor to your exact needs. For instance, SSRIs hit the serotonin. SNRIs hit the norepinephrine. Then there are the dopamine receptors, too. Some rxs are combos and sometimes the Dr will prescribe more than 1.
I did one of my clinical rotations in OT school at a Psych Hospital, and as I've also battled depression, I do a lot of research.
Seeing what it entails to have Kona certified to be a therapy dog for you is a great idea! I imagine she's a truly happy dog, having a mom who loves her as much as you do. I also still say you're one tough cookie :-).


Grace Carpenter said...

Whatever you do, Diane, keep writing!!!! You readers love you and care about you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Diane, This is your Aunt Betty, looks like it has been a trying time for you!! Hope things are getting better
Boy it sure is getting cold up here, 21 degrees out at 7:10pm ,I guess the guys who hunt would like a little tracking snow!!
Uncle Earl is doing find some days and others not so good, he got a machine to help him sleep,
The oxygen in his is very low the machine helps bring it back, It sure has made a different with him, his color and all
The oxygen in his BLOOD. Gets better when he uses the machine!!
Sounds like your dog is doing great, been watching on your blog, I also enjoyed watching youse dance!! Very happy
You could find the Vedio of the two of you dancing and all!! Wish we could see you and vist with you And give you a big
Bear hug!! Uncle Earl and I(Aunt Betty) in Stevens point. Wi
Love you very very much!!!! Put your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug!!!!!! From us!!!! Take care!!!

J.L. Murphey said...

As others have said, get on an antidepressant. It will take about a month to get into your system gully. If one doesn't work don't be afraid to tell your doctor and try a different one. But I would still make an appt with the psychiatrist too. He may have different options. It's time, girl.