Total Pageviews

Friday, January 29, 2016

Slipping Sideways

I went to my therapist last week, told her I felt I was sliding backwards and she told me to think of it more as a "slipping sideways" instead.

This whole thing with Chris has really affected me.  She is still in a coma, now diagnosed with a MRSA infection in her lungs, and, according to her daughter, "it does not look good".

I have not been to see her, as she is in ICU and that's "family only" though her daughter said she would take me -- I just can't do it. All the memories of Bob's hospitalization back in 2010.  Memories of his recent death, flooding back on me, in gruesome detail.

As my therapist said, "it doesn't do you or Chris any good, if you show up and fall apart in front of her."

So I sent flowers, not even sure if she'll notice...

On top of this, the flea problem in her apartment has escalated.  I mean the things jump out the door and attack you before you EVEN step inside.  I called a professional exterminator who has sprayed twice, but says Chris has "too much junk" piled against the walls, etc. and to work effectively, I'd have to remove stuff and pull out all her bedding, clothes, rugs etc. and wash everything....  Something I certainly am not comfortable with....

I tell you, I feel like I've waken up in a nightmare.  First Bob, who I miss so very very terribly, and then Zenith, Boomer and now Chris.  Add fleas from hell into the mix.  A still trashed van at the body shop.  And here I am all alone, trying to deal with everything.

Someone wake me up, please.

Oh and plus, both Kona and Ripley had to be treated for flea bite infections.  Ripley is much better, but Kona is on her second round of antibiotics...

I  did see the shrink, finally, last week.  She diagnosed me with "GAD" i.e. Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  Gave me a script for lorazepam.  Wanted to try some anti-depressants.  Which I nixed.  Because I had, long ago, in another lifetime, been prescribed prozac and doxepin shortly after my divorce in 1989.  And, after taking these drugs for a few months,  I actually felt worse and then, I went home from work one Friday evening, took every single pill in the house, including dozens of sleeping pills, drank some alcohol and went to bed, knowing that no one would miss me until I didn't show up for work on Monday, and by the time they found me, it would be too late.

I was actually quite surprised to wake up the next day, horribly ill, and having hallucinations of my then newly dead cat (Socrates) jumping from dresser to bed and back, and the flowers on the wallpaper creeping like spiders toward the floor....

Scared the living hell out of me.  I stopped taking the anti-depressants, cold turkey, much to my therapist's chagrin.  Vowed never to put myself in that position again.

So lately, I spend most days curled on the couch with Kona and Ripley.  Crying.  Or watching brain-numbing TV.  Some days, I don't even leave the house.  The shades are pulled tight. Once again, I vomit nearly every morning. Have trouble sleeping at night.

I do have something to look forward to:  in Feb., a dear old friend coming to visit.  And then a different dear old friend in March.  And so, all is not lost... and these things keep me going.


Bukes said...

There are so many of us reading, quietly from afar and pulling for you in an odd, but huge, intangible and unperceivable way.

Jenn said...

Don't you go anywhere miss Diane! I'm so looking forward to seeing you, having a cocktail or two or three, sitting on the porch, laughing, crying, laughing til we cry, antiquing, etc.!!!! Mwah! LOVE YOU!!!

KanDav said...

I hate reading you're having such a rough time.
I'm going to say something, but I'm quantifying it by saying we're all different, things work differently for everyone, and I try not to say "Well if it was me, I'd do so and so." Because no one has lived my life and had my life experiences, and I try to remember the reverse is true.

At different times in my adult life, I've suffered with GAD and depression. Back in the 80's and 90's, SSRI antidepressants were so new, and I think Prozac was the only one for a while.
Through the years, there have been many improvements and numerous new antidepressants have come out that "hit" the serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine receptors. Another thing I found interesting is we have as many or more of those receptors in our stomach
That's why many people with GAD and or depression have abdominal issues as well.
I myself tried a few different meds before I found the "right fit" for myself. I also have seen a wonderful therapist that really helped.
Sometimes the neurotransmitters in the brain (and stomach) get depleted and meds can make a big difference (positive) in the way a person with depression feels. And often meds are only needed for a short time. Sometimes they're needed for longer periods.
Again, I know it's a very personal decision whether or not a person takes meds and or goes to therapy. I'm just sharing experiences.
As always, I'll keep you and your 4 legged family in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I can't imagine how hard it is dealing with Chris, the fleas and missing Bob so much. I just wanted to say that I'm pulling for you! Have you been able to go to your grief group or see any other friends? I hope you can find some ways to get out of the house for even a little bit. I just hate thinking of you sitting at home watching TV all day, feeling the wave of emotions you are going through. Sending a giant hug to you!