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Friday, May 19, 2017

Therapist Session

So, went to my therapist yesterday and told her I wanted to try the EMDR therapy --cause I'm thinking it can't hurt and might help. So we spent much of the session discussing how to prepare and what to expect...

First what trauma event to focus on -- that was easy -- the day Bob died.

Then "code" words or signs that I can give her if it's too much for me to handle.... and stop the session to take a break.

Then to find a "safe place" to go to -- and I'm thinking, huh? Run to the ladies room?!

 But no, this is an imaginary place or a real place you feel safe --and I told her I love the water, the ocean, the Gulf of Mexico, the bay, I grew up by the Mississippi River and water has always had a calming effect for me-- but all these calming places had sad connotations as they were places I would go with Bob --- so is a "safe" place still "a safe place" if it is also sad memory?...

So after some discussion I mentioned my swimming pool (which is water) and was supposed to be a therapy pool for Bob but he died before it was put in, and I decided to go ahead and put it in anyway and it is calming  (and I am so glad the contractor talked me into putting the "water features" in it) which means deck shoots and a bubbler so the pool sounds like fountain -- and I did recall the first time, after the pool was done, and I bought a lounge chair and table and sat next to the pool with my cig (sorry still smoke) and a drink and reclined back and immediately thought "jeepers, I could live here!" and then laughed because ha! I do live here. How about that?

OK -- so the "safe place" is the pool.  Then my therapist said I needed a "container" like a box or basket or bucket or garbage can where I can put "stressful emotions" into --- and I say, "Do I have bring a box, bucket, garbage can or picnic basket to my session or--- what?"  Oh no, this is just an imaginary box/basket etc....

All righty --- I imagine myself running from the room to the "safe" ladies room with a picnic basket full of bad memories.... yikes!

I am not sure about this --- but our first session is scheduled next Thursday....

Meanwhile, tick tock, tick tock --  Bob's death anniversary is May 28th -- and I feel like it was just yesterday -- and am back to puking in the morning, pulling down the shades, wanting to hide/drink/dissolve into nothingness.

I have invited some friends over on May 28 --- so I won't be alone -- but now I'm wondering if I've bitten off more than I can chew..... cause really, I just want to crawl under the bed and hide.... and now I'm committed to making dinner for 6 (count em) people, plus cleaning up the house, getting everything ready and .... yikes -- what have I done?!

I will keep you posted --- thanks for listening/reading

6 comments:

Stephany Harvey said...

I'm so glad you have another session scheduled, and you are prepared. I think you will be reassured by your first session. And relieved. Get ready for some powerful and draining work. I'll be thinking of you.

I had lunch today with some old work mates, me a widow of 10 years, and one a widow of one year. The difference is staggering.

Stephany in Iowa

Barbara Lambert said...

I am not a widow, but recently I've been trying to imagine it. I don't think my husband and I have the same kind of amazing relationship that you and Bob had, but I realized after having been married decades now (50th coming up in December) that I would really, really miss him. You're a brave soul for trying this to help process thisand move beyond the depression you've been feeling. Will be interested in hearing how it goes.

Vindi Vin said...

Hello Diane - I'm happy to hear you're going thru with the therapy, I think it will be good for you. concentrate on that and your dinner preparations, not only the food, but decor for the house, table, pool area, etc. I'd like to say this also, hope that it's ok, and please know I mean this in the most caring way: the 28th is a day you will always remember as the day Bob died, and that is perfectly fine and normal, but starting with this dinner party, please allow yourself to just let this be about YOU. YOU getting thru this day surrounded by loving friends who care about you. YOU getting on with your life and reaching a place that when you think about Bob, rather than being sad, you can smile and be thankful he was part of your life. Doing those things doesn't mean forgetting him, it means allowing yourself to continue living your life, a life where you take all the good, bad, beautiful and ugly things that have happened throughout it and realize that those very things are what have made you the beautiful person you are today. You can do this! Do it in memory of Bob and allow yourself to 'carry on'.

Looking forward to your next post! Holding ya up in thoughts and prayer.
Vin

Jenn said...

Have that dinner party! Do it. The stress of entertaining is better than pulling the shades down, etc. Don't sit in sorrow alone.

The other day at work, I had a customer paying by credit card. A quick look at the back, then the front...and I paused. The card read Robert S*****. And I said in a whisper, AWWWW - Bob! It's a sign...I need to call you.

Diane said...

Jenn -- I hope that credit card didn't have his full legal name on it! One of my widow friends found out recently that her deceased husband's identity was stolen, credit cards etc, taken out in his name! yikes!
But yes -- Bob wants you to call me -- so call me, girl!

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