Tonight

Tonight, the sun will slowly sink behind the live oaks, dripping with spanish moss, behind the palm fronds, the neighbor's roofs, slowly sink out of my sight and the shadows will fall.

The shadows will fall around the oaks and the palms and around the neighbors and this house and back porch where I will sit, drink in hand, and watch the end of this day.

A day like any other day, except that last year, tonight, Bob was here with me when the shadows fell and in the morning he was gone.  Having slipped away into that shadowland, without a word, without a sound, without a warning ---- just silently slipped away.

I have had a very hard time this week, this month. Every morning I would get up and my first thought would be "Bob was alive, this day, last year, this very minute, he was alive."  I did not think about this is April.  I did not think this in March.  Only now, in May, as "Death Day" draws near.  Death Day is officially tomorrow, as that's what the death certificate says --- but I think it really is "Death Night" tonight....

For tomorrow, Bob was not with me last year.

I never knew how grief creeps and settles into every single pore of your skin, every organ of your body, every piece of your mind, heart and soul.  And the tears never stop.

It doesn't seem a year has gone by.  Yet it seems a million years ago. And yet, it seems only yesterday.

I wanted to post something profound, honoring Bob's memory and can not think of a single profound word to say....

Except I love you, Bob, and will love you forever. And I miss you so very much. And I still don't know how to live without you....

Making The House Our Home

I've been trying to follow Bob's advice (from the other side) to "make our house a home" and so have been working on some much needed landscaping.

I took the old claw foot bathtub that we removed to make the bathroom wheelchair accessible for Bob and painted it pink to match the house.  I was looking for something to plant in it, and was thinking of some type of clumping bamboo and when the person at the nursery suggested "Buddha Belly Bamboo" and I nearly fell over.

Years ago, when Bob complained he was getting a little "pot belly" I told him not to worry --- he was cute and I called it his "little Buddha Belly". My mom, as a joke, bought him a little Buddha statue and he began collecting Buddhas......

So this is Bob's memorial corner:

I think he'd love it!

Another reason to have a "living will"

Or as Bob might have added, "another reason not to have kids!"

I'm talking about my dear friend, Chris, who is still hanging in there but being kept alive on life support.

The hospital has been trying to "wean" her off the ventilator/trach without any luck. Her kidneys are also failing so she is now on renal dialysis and she still has MRSA and the doctors asked her son for permission to, you know, "pull the plug". And he refused.

The hospital now says that they cannot keep Chris there because she is "stable" on the life support and they are not a "long term care facility".  And unfortunately, most nursing homes will not take a patient on a ventilator. Hospice will also not take a person on life support. So according to the hospital, the nearest place they could place Chris (with her insurance) is somewhere in Minnesota.

I am hearing all this thinking what the -----???

Because in Minnesota -- well, her family could not visit, nobody would be there for her to advocate for her, etc.....

Of course, the other alternative would be to "private pay" for her care, but her family doesn't have that kind of money.

Unfortunately, after talking with several people in the medical field, I find all of this is actually true, as awful as it sounds.

This past week, Chris's daughter showed up and asked me for Chris's mail, which I have been collecting (unopened) as it is delivered here.  I gave it to her and she opened up the last bank statement for the account where Chris has her monthly SS checks automatically deposited and found the balance was $14.88.

Again ---- what the ---???

The daughter suspects the son is the one draining the bank account, he is also the one refusing to take mom off life support and add two and two and could he really be keeping her alive for --- jeepers

I don't even want to think about that.

And I feel like I'm sort of caught in the middle of all this, as she is my dear friend --- but I'm not family and this is between them.  All I did was deliver the mail. And I know both daughter and son and both have been nice/good to me --  In fact, Chris' son painted our house.

But I am horrified.  I know Chris would not want to "live" like this. Heck, I wouldn't want to. Nor would I have allowed Bob to live like that.

I am sick with grief.

Both for Chris and still for Bob.

And today, the daughter came and took some of Chris's possessions out of her apartment and it was so very hard to see this happen.....

I have been crying all day.

I was invited to party tonight in the neighborhood, but I can't face people right now.

It's been a hard enough month, just dealing with all the emotions with Bob's 1 year anniversary coming up of his death.  I still can't believe it's been year.  I wonder why I am still here....

And I am heartbroken, stressed and mortified over this thing that is happening to Chris.....

And I feel so very, very alone.

Bob's Hospital Bed

And yes, I still had it, until this past weekend.  For a long time, I actually kept it in the living room and slept on it. This may seem weird or creepy or whatever, but I actually slept on the sheets that he died on, curled up in fetal position, but .....

When my nephew visited, he helped me put the hospital bed into the spare bedroom.  I still did not want to part with it.

Bob had loved that bed.  He had hated the Medicare standard bed with it's "dipping" in the middle and the plywood I put in there did not do the trick.  The new bed had been expensive and it was one of the first things I ordered for him after the settlement and it seemed to take a million years to get it.  But finally, we got it and he loved it, so much more comfortable for him, and it was also great for making it easier for me, having the elevating up and down feature and easier transfers etc. ... and after all of that, he only got to enjoy it for a few months....

I thought about selling it.  I contacted the place we bought from and they said they would "keep it in mind" if someone was looking for such a bed but nothing came of that.  I called some other places that advertised they bought hospital beds, but everyone was "overstocked".  I thought about placing an ad (as this was an expensive bed) but I was a little concerned about being alone here and having strangers come into the house --- someone even mentioned that advertising such a thing could attract would-be criminals looking for a vulnerable widow to rob.... yikes.

I called around to charities to donate it.  Hospice came here and looked at it and said it was "too nice" for them.  OK - now that's weird.  Other charities didn't even want to deal with a bed.... I really didn't know what to do....

This past week, I found a disabled person advertising on Craigslist that she desperately needed a hospital bed. She was living on fixed income and could not afford to buy one so, as her ad read, she needed "a good deal".  I contacted her and told her I would give Bob's hospital bed to her (free) if someone could pick it up. On Saturday, the woman's sister and brother-in-law came and picked up Bob's hospital bed.

This is the thank you note I received from her today:

 I just cant thank you enough! my sister and her husband and my niece and great nephew had a time getting it in and set up but they did and I have had the most wonderful two nights of sleep in it. I have spent the last 4 years sleeping in a recliner because of my COPD and to be able to sleep in a real bed was beyond wonderful! Thank you so much and know that I will find a way to pay it forward! 

Spring!

Our yard is bursting with gardenias. I did not know these gardenia bushes were even in our yard when we bought the house.  Gardenias were our "wedding flower" so this is a pleasant surprise!

And here's something else to lighten up this rather dreary blog.  

I call it Kona's Water Ballet