Which is our weather forecast and that amounts to lots of rain and dreary, gloomy days.... doesn't help one's mood.
Been a few tough weeks for me. Went to a "Grief Healing Retreat" earlier this month, a one day affair which I hoped would teach us coping techniques. Went with two of my widow friends. So that part was nice.
There were about 30 people there, two men, the rest women. As they began the retreat, I notice, once again, I am pretty much the youngest person in the room, with the exception of the one guy who lost his mother. The beginning "introductions" included a woman reading that poem/song/bible verse about "a reason for every season, a time to live and time die," you know the one and I began to "dissociate" (as my shrink calls it) so I took the advice of my therapist, who said when this begins to happen, I should try to "touch" things, concrete things, to pull myself back to realty. So I fled. To the bathroom, thought I was going to puke, fortunately didn't, then just clung to the sink, ran the water, touched the water, took deep breaths, then tried to open my little box for some Xanax, couldn't get it open. Fortunately, one of my friends came in to check on me, and she got the box open. Took some Xanax and returned to the conference room, much calmer.
Then we broke out into groups for different workshops. The first one was to walk a labyrinth which was in a darkened room. I'd never done such a thing before and the woman presenting the workshop explained that it was an "ancient sacred space" and used for centuries and used to "center" oneself, release stress and anxiety and "open" yourself to receive life's gifts.
Sounded good.
When it was my turn, I found myself first very dizzy, and worried I would fall down. We were told to be "quiet and reflective" through the process. At the center, we were to stop and "open" ourselves and "let go" of our negative emotions, then begin the way back. On the way back, for some darn reason, I thought I was lost and would never get out and I began giggling, trying to stifle it, but you know how that goes, and pretty soon I am uncontrollably laughing and can't stop. Very strange. I think I sort of blew that experience for some in the group.
Then there was "music therapy" which was not all what I expected. I expected, I guess, to be taught ways to use music to "heal" instead, the man leading the group gave us all a piece of paper with the lyrics based on Stevie Wonder's song "I Just Called to Say I Love You" adapted to "I Just Want to Say I Love You" and the words, with blanks left open for us to write on, beginning with "Remember when we'd: __________ without you, just isn't the same." Then, "I miss your _____, your ______" and "No one can replace that _________ side of you."
Mine went like this "Remember when we'd drive to the beach, car windows rolled down, radio blaring, wind in our hair, the beach without you just isn't the same. And memories are all I have today. I miss your face, your voice. No one can replace that wonderful side of you. So I what I feel is something true.... and it ends with I just want to say I love you, I just want to show how much I care, I just want to say I love you and I mean it from the bottom of my heart."
And then the man leading the group, took up his guitar, and sang each of our songs.
I tell you, when he did this, there was not a dry eye in the room. And later, that night, just thinking about the "music therapy", I had a total breakdown. That wailing, sobbing, snot running down your chin, can't stop kind of breakdown.
So much for "healing"... The workshop did end with some beneficial meditation techniques and a butterfly release, which was lovely.... but still....
Since then, I've been pretty depressed, sort of counting the days until Bob's death anniversary (28th of this month) and this darn Tropical Depression certainly does not help. Nor does it help that I accidentally "blew up" my pool -- I kid you not. Well I didn't blow up the actual pool, just the pump when I went to turn off the solar heat, I did something wrong and the next thing I know is I've got a geyser of water shooting in the air behind our house. So haven't been able to use the pool for more than a week now and that's the one thing that reduces my stress and relaxes me. Waiting for the technician who is supposed to be here sometime today and hate to think what the bill is going to be... but hope he gets here soon, because the rain has been filling the pool to the brim and will surely overflow and I can't drain it without the pump running and certainly do not want my back yard flooded.
Just another day, here at The Pink House....
