Our newly opened one-bed, not-for-profit, inpatient facility is located in the historic Pink House on the Corner, a Craftsman Bungalow built in 1922. Among the many charming features of this unique facility, you will find homey touches such as cat hair collecting in the corners and a fine coating of baby powder covering every possible surface as we are too busy working on our therapies and really don’t have time for housework.
We are an exclusive facility catering to but one special patient which is Bob, you lucky dog, you.
Our highly untrained, unlicensed staff includes myself as serving as Chief PT/ST/OT as well as nurse, nutritionist, aide and companion. All I can say, it is a good thing I have sat through countless therapy sessions, so that I have a clue as to what the heck I’m doing.
Our daily therapy sessions include approximately one hour each of the following therapies:
Speech/Swallow Therapy – to include identifying objects and flashcard work, sentence completion and “matching pairs” work. Also, tongue exercises and vocal exercises (i.e. the famous “UNGA, INGA, KAN-GA-ROO!” which we shout at the top of our lungs causing any passerbys to look twice at the Pink House and wonder what sort of demented people live there). A cup of pudding or mashed pototoes will be offered for daily swallowing practice.
Physical Therapy – leg exercises followed by several trips down our newly installed rail in the hallway. Our record, thus far, is nine trips on the rail!
Occupational Therapy – including Mirror Therapy, range of motion exercises (which our patient hates, but will be forced to do) followed by writing and reading practice or maybe a few hands of “Go Fish”.
Our therapy will take place six days a week, when possible, that is, unless Bob has a doctor’s appointment or is intent on spending the whole day peeing. On the seventh day, we play Scrabble.
Meals at our facility include three nutritious and delicious cans of the highest quality Jevity 1.5 daily, administered by gravity feed (the gentle way, as to not upset the tummy) followed by a 12 hour Jevity feeding via enteral pump each night.
Nightly entertainment is offered with a selection of movie DVDs loaned from our public library.
In addition to myself, we have a highly motivated and unqualified staff of part-time therapists, who include:
Boomer, our Speech Therapist assistant, whose chief duty involves barking incessantly out the window at nothing which thus causes our patient to scream: SHUT UP! at the top of his lungs. This ongoing therapy is great for exercising the vocal cords and stretching those mouth muscles and limbering up the tonque.
Zenith provides our staff with diversity, being the only Siamese. She’s our Massage Therapist, though she prefers to get massages rather than give them. Her hours are erratic, pretty much when she wants too. She has a tendency to sleep on the job.
Ripley is our Recreational Therapist. He specializes in Play Therapy. He also does double-duty as a Physical Therapist as he will attack our patient’s toes causing our patient to then have to exercise both leg and arm muscles in an effort to swat him away. Ripley will also sleep with our patient, providing Comfort Therpy, but only if our patient promises not to pee on him. If bedwetting is the order of the night, you will find Ripley snuggled up with the owner/operator of this facility, whose bed is known to be dry.
So there you have it. Plan C is in action.