Most of you know I've been suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD symptoms since Bob's death. One of the hardest things for me has been driving -- which seems so incredibly stupid since I've driven since I was 16 years old and of course after Bob's stroke was the only driver in the family.
I've always considered myself a "good" driver -- maybe with the exception of parallel parking (ha!) but since Bob's death I am white knuckled behind the steering wheel and pretty much the only thing that calms me down is having the dog with me. So I take her everywhere, grocery store, pharmacy, mall -- you name it. Unless a friend picks me up, I am never in a car alone without Kona.
So it was a BIG step for me to take the car in to be buffed out (after I scratched the crap out of it after Hurricane Irma) and I decided I needed to go it alone, thinking Kona might be in the way of the guy who was doing the buffing, and knew the guy (Chuck) as he had helped board up the house, but I did not know what the "setup" at his house would be and was worried what to do with the dog while he was working on the car. So I did it. Googled driving directions and set out on my own, telling myself it was only 6.1 miles, taking the route less travelled and telling myself, over and over, "you can do this, Diane" but still was scared shitless all the way there -- but once the job was finished and done (beautifully I must add), I drove home much calmer and even fist pumped the air when I got home, i.e. "I DID IT!!! WHOO-HOO!"
I shared my "triumph" with my therapist who suggested I might try this occasionally, short trips, where I would be meeting someone I knew and start getting more comfortable driving alone in "baby steps".
Then, a few days later, I came home and while backing the car into my parking spot, slammed the back end of my car right into my neighbor's fence.
jeepers
And this damage can't be "buffed out" -- paint scraped off down the metal. Neighbor was fortunately very nice when I told him what happened and though I offered to pay for the damage to his fence, he said "don't worry about it."
And now I'm back to white knuckled, clutching the steering wheel, freaking out while driving, even, sometimes with the dog in the car....
Will I ever feel normal again? geez
2 comments:
As a stroke survivor I understand feeling nervous about driving. Before I start my car, I sit still until I feel calm and have looked in both side mirrors and the rear view mirror. I need to feel grounded.
I went through years of being unable to drive on the freeway. Then my husband Brad moved up to a new care facility in Portland and I was driving up every weekend taking back roads - no freeway. It took a lot longer but I eventually made it up there and I could do country roads and city streets just not freeways.
Things just moved to fast on the freeway and semis were so loud and monstrous. I would start to feel like I was hyperventilating and I might pass out.
One day I thought about taking a Gabapentin which I had tons of left over from Brad. I had heard it was sometimes used as an anti anxiety.
So I took the Gabapentin and headed out on the Freeway and lo and behold I felt fine.
I cruised that freeway like my old self - changing lanes - using the fast lane until some one would get on my tail and I would move over to the middle lane.
I told my doc and he said that was not the right medication for the job so he upped my Prozac by 20mg.
I was reluctant to give up the gabentin so I kind of did it gradually and soon I was just taking the 40mg of Prozac and able to drive on the freeway.
Now I am planning on retiring this March and moving up to Portland to live with Brad - so we are excited about this next phase of our lives!!!
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