Yes, I'm going to write about grief, because it seems no one wants to talk about it. Our society seems to think of grief as something that can be "fixed" or "gotten over" in a short period of time, but I tell you, I still suffer.
Symptoms like "Widow's Brain" -- an inability to concentrate, forgetfulness, disorientation. I can't count the number of times I've left the house to walk dog, only to find on returning, that I pocketed my car key instead of the house key and locked myself out of the house. (Now I keep a spare key hidden outside.) I still often can't remember what day it is, or month, and have to actually look up the date on the computer. The other day, I took the dog for a walk and on returning home noticed I was wearing two different shoes! And if that wasn't bad enough, one was a grey sneaker and the other a brown slipper, and add to that I was wearing the "right" slipper on my left foot. Yeah, I wondered why my feet hurt while walking, and thought it was because my shoes were getting old.
I still cry.
I still scream at the walls.
I still have difficulty sleeping. Difficulty driving. Anxiety attacks.
I still wear our wedding rings.
I still feel like I'm living in a dream.
People say I should be "over it", and "let it go", and offer all sorts of well intentioned advice such as "volunteer" or "take a trip", join a club, etc. But when you are grieving it's not about "fixing" something, it's not about avoiding your feelings by staying busy or helping others, because death cannot be "fixed" and feelings pushed aside have ways of coming out. As someone once said, "you have to feel it in order to heal it."
Grief is a journey. A journey of the heart. A heart that has been broken into a million pieces. And, truth be told, it sucks.
Everyone deals with it in their own way.
This is my way. I own it.
That doesn't mean I like it. It means I am dealing with it in my own way. And I am doing the things I feel are right for me.
Seeing a therapist.
Swimming daily 120 laps. (OK, I admit my pool is small.)
Getting out of bed in the morning, even when I don't want to.
Writing my memoir.
Meeting up, occasionally, with friends for lunch or going to a play or movie.
These things take strength. Some days I have more strength then others. Some days, I do not cry. Some nights, I sleep better.
I am reading a book suggested to me by my therapist. It's called It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn't understand by Megan Devine. I'm glad my therapist suggested it, because now I don't feel like I'm going crazy. Or that I'm "taking too long". Or that something is wrong with me. I'm just still grieving. I lost the love of my life. Grief is a normal reaction a loss that huge, and it's okay to talk about it and write about it.
And this journey is going to take some time.
I miss him, every single day.
And that's OK.
PS: Kona back to her usual nutty self! Such a relief...
11 comments:
You made me smile at the thought of your 120 laps. How on earth do you keep count? I have to use a hand held counter for any kind of laps.
How is your EMDR going?
Hugs from Iowa
Ha! Stephany, I count one, two, three each time I touch the end of the pool, sometimes I lose count and then make myself go back -- ie. OK that was 20? or 19? Make myself keep track otherwise, do-over --- the pool is about 22 feet long. An official "lap" is 75 feet, so my 120 laps is about 40 "official" laps or so, as far EMDR -- we've been working more on EFT lately --- it's all just a long road
I lost my husband Gary in November. I had cared for him after his brain stem stroke for 8 years 2 1/2 months. He was totally disabled. I knew what was coming as he was in hospice for a month, so it was not sudden. What I am struggling with is “ what is my purpose now “ ? I feel so empty at times. Think I will try to find the book you mentioned. Except I can also identify with your lack of concentration which makes it difficult to read ! I wish you well in your journey.
To the above reader, sorry to hear about Gary. A lot of my widow friends also struggle with "what is my purpose now?", so you are not alone. I think "my purpose" is to write Bob's story. Please do find the book, I got my copy on Amazon. Take care and be kind to yourself. The grief journey is a long hard one.
Grief. Ever wonder why so many Italian and Greek women always wear black? Once you lose someone you love, you are in mourning for the rest of your life, and they acknowledge that.
P.S. I'm so glad to hear of Kona's recovery.
I feel your pain. I lost the love of my life 2 years ago. We were together 10 years. Some days I wish I would have died first so
I wouldn't feel this pain. I look at pictures of us and laugh and
cry at the same time.
I'm happy Kona is with you to give you love and kisses.
Rhonda, I understand, I too have days I wish I would have died too, it's so very hard, and yes, laugh and cry at the same time -- hang in there. Big hugs! Thanks for your comment. We are not alone.
My husband survived a massive stroke four years ago. I still grieve every day over losing the man he was, the man I married, the man I fell in love with. Stroke brings grief to a spouse whether the victim lives or dies. Either way the loss is nearly unbearable.
Yes I know -- I did too grieve for the man Bob was before his stroke -- after his stroke, I went through all those grief stages and nearly came to "acceptance" that this was our "new normal" after 5+ years but still had some hope for more improvement and recovery. Still had his companionship and love.
But now I grieve again with his death, no hope for recovery now. No companionship or love, though I do believe he will live on in my heart.
Both are grieving journeys, a bit different, but both very very very hard. Bless you and your husband, and be thankful he is still with you. Hugs.
Hiya! After reading this, I came across something that I'd like to share with you and others reading, that I hope helps. I understand that dealing with grief and sorrow and heartbreak is very different for everyone and that there is no timeline on which it needs to reach and 'end' (except for those who've never been through it, perhaps). But this gives some insight that I think is helpful, at least it was for me, it helped to see ideas I'd never 'seen' before. I hope it helps, but beyond that, I can assure you, it won't hurt.
https://www.mindful.org/go-toward-what-hurts/ (Frank Ostaseski shares experiences from his decades working with dying people and those who are dealing with the death of loved ones). Please read this with a mind open to seeing what you've been going through as if it's only just begun. Instead of burying your feelings/emotions, this demonstrates how to use them to heal your pain and live in the present, without minimizing the fact that someone you loved is no longer sharing that same 'present' with you.
We NEVER forget those we love, but we CAN learn to live with/through death of those we love.
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