This Christmas was the first Christmas I ever spent alone. In my entire life. Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Before, of course, when Bob was alive we spent Christmas together. Before that, I spent Christmas with my family up north, 1400 miles away.
After Bob died, I spent Christmas with my friends, our widow's group got together on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I went out for lunch or dinner with a friend....
This year -- nothing.
Everyone seems to have moved on, especially the widows, which were 5 of us, and now 3 have boyfriends and whatever....
I did, however, go to a very nice Hanukkah party at a neighbor's house which was fun and something I've never have done in my life before, and I enjoyed that, that was a week or so before Christmas....
I suppose I could've tried to travel and get a flight back home, but my anxiety levels are so high about traveling and simply can't even comprehend trying that yet, plus it's COLD up there ... I hope you understand, this isn't a pity party -- it just the facts...
Christmas Eve day, the guy finally showed up to fix my solar panel valve on the roof of the garage for the pool and, while up on the roof - he broke a couple of roof shingles I'd just had replaced!!! GAAAAA!!! Called the roofing company, said they'd get back to me after Christmas.... still haven't heard back from them...
Anyway on Christmas Eve, I ordered a pizza. Bob and I used to do that -- it was our Christmas Eve tradition. Before the pizza arrived I made up a plate of Wisconsin cheese and crackers (sent from my mom and dad) and that's also what Bob and I used to do, eat Wisconsin cheese (sent from my mom and dad) and crackers, order pizza, open presents on Christmas Eve.
Back in old days, we didn't have a TV -- but we sat by the fireplace on Christmas Eve. And talked and listened to the radio....
This Christmas, did the pizza, cheese and then I watched some classic Christmas movies (A Christmas Story, It's a Wonderful Life) with Kona and Ripley snuggled on top of me.
So I wasn't totally alone.
It was weird, but I did it, and survived, now just get through New Year's alone.....
Monday, December 31, 2018
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
I did it!
Went to a second writer's workshop. And I tell you, after my first experience, I was terrified.
Terrified about reading "out loud" in front of strangers -- haven't done this in over 20 years or so.
Terrified about driving there and back, especially if it got dark.
But my shrinkologist told me to "face my fears" and go.
So I did.
Drove, but took the dog with me. Drove even though it was raining on my way there. My plan was to ask to read first, get it over with, you know, so I could just relax, but ended up reading 3rd, but at least I was able to leave before it got dark out.
And I did read it. Read the first five pages of Chapter 2 of my memoir in progress. Didn't cry, though I did tear up a little, managed to pull myself together and finish it.
And guess what? Got a lot of support, good comments/suggestions/critiques.
I think the most important thing for me was to hear some good feedback, know I haven't "lost my touch" as it's been over 10 years since I've written a book and I do doubt myself. Especially since I've never written a "memoir". My self esteem has been in the toilet lately, and I constantly wonder if my writing is "good enough" --- and after attending this group, I feel much more confident that I can actually do this, write this memoir, and get it out there, published.
It's going to take time.
Especially since I'm still dealing with these damn contractors! I cancelled a dental appointment for tomorrow because supposedly someone will be here to repair the solar pool heater or at least figure out a way to bypass the solar and just use the gas heater. I've not been able to swim in nearly 3 weeks, it's killing me as this is my big stress reliever (daily swimming). Kona not happy either. And both of us not getting enough exercise....
So my stress level is high, and doesn't help it's Christmas season without Bob and bah hum bug to all the sappy commercials and lovey-dovey music! it's damn depressing and lonely.... Can't wait until it's over.
Terrified about reading "out loud" in front of strangers -- haven't done this in over 20 years or so.
Terrified about driving there and back, especially if it got dark.
But my shrinkologist told me to "face my fears" and go.
So I did.
Drove, but took the dog with me. Drove even though it was raining on my way there. My plan was to ask to read first, get it over with, you know, so I could just relax, but ended up reading 3rd, but at least I was able to leave before it got dark out.
And I did read it. Read the first five pages of Chapter 2 of my memoir in progress. Didn't cry, though I did tear up a little, managed to pull myself together and finish it.
And guess what? Got a lot of support, good comments/suggestions/critiques.
I think the most important thing for me was to hear some good feedback, know I haven't "lost my touch" as it's been over 10 years since I've written a book and I do doubt myself. Especially since I've never written a "memoir". My self esteem has been in the toilet lately, and I constantly wonder if my writing is "good enough" --- and after attending this group, I feel much more confident that I can actually do this, write this memoir, and get it out there, published.
It's going to take time.
Especially since I'm still dealing with these damn contractors! I cancelled a dental appointment for tomorrow because supposedly someone will be here to repair the solar pool heater or at least figure out a way to bypass the solar and just use the gas heater. I've not been able to swim in nearly 3 weeks, it's killing me as this is my big stress reliever (daily swimming). Kona not happy either. And both of us not getting enough exercise....
So my stress level is high, and doesn't help it's Christmas season without Bob and bah hum bug to all the sappy commercials and lovey-dovey music! it's damn depressing and lonely.... Can't wait until it's over.
Monday, December 10, 2018
Ho Ho Ho & Happy Home Maintenance!
I have spent the past two months trying to find someone to fix two leaks in our garage/guest house roof.
The guys who did come by, took one look and fled. Yeah, it's an old roof....
Most wouldn't even return my calls.
The one who said he could do it and start in two weeks, which was back in October, finally called and said he was "too busy".
I finally went on Home Advisor and got connected with an "old timer" whose been in the business for 40 years and he managed to get her done, finally.
And now just have find someone to paint new wood on the eaves and rafters......... Though, I have been thinking about doing it myself -- somewhat scared to climb that high -- at least before I re-do my will!
And also have to get the guy out here to fix my solar system for the pool.... and have to fix a toilet and faucet and the sprinkler system (which wasn't working until I kicked it, ha!) but don't know how long that will last...
Seems all I'm doing lately is trying to keep this house from falling apart!
Good news, though, my father is back home! Thank you all for your prayers and support.
Oh, and I signed up for the next writer's workshop -- my shrink told me to "face your fears" and go again. Wish me luck! And fingers crossed, I won't freak out and flee again......
The guys who did come by, took one look and fled. Yeah, it's an old roof....
Most wouldn't even return my calls.
The one who said he could do it and start in two weeks, which was back in October, finally called and said he was "too busy".
I finally went on Home Advisor and got connected with an "old timer" whose been in the business for 40 years and he managed to get her done, finally.
 |
| "Before" |
 |
| "In process" |
 |
| After |
 |
| "After" -- they managed to salvage the old tiles and replace them after replacing the rotted wood underneath |
And now just have find someone to paint new wood on the eaves and rafters......... Though, I have been thinking about doing it myself -- somewhat scared to climb that high -- at least before I re-do my will!
And also have to get the guy out here to fix my solar system for the pool.... and have to fix a toilet and faucet and the sprinkler system (which wasn't working until I kicked it, ha!) but don't know how long that will last...
Seems all I'm doing lately is trying to keep this house from falling apart!
Good news, though, my father is back home! Thank you all for your prayers and support.
Oh, and I signed up for the next writer's workshop -- my shrink told me to "face your fears" and go again. Wish me luck! And fingers crossed, I won't freak out and flee again......
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