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Friday, May 19, 2017

Therapist Session

So, went to my therapist yesterday and told her I wanted to try the EMDR therapy --cause I'm thinking it can't hurt and might help. So we spent much of the session discussing how to prepare and what to expect...

First what trauma event to focus on -- that was easy -- the day Bob died.

Then "code" words or signs that I can give her if it's too much for me to handle.... and stop the session to take a break.

Then to find a "safe place" to go to -- and I'm thinking, huh? Run to the ladies room?!

 But no, this is an imaginary place or a real place you feel safe --and I told her I love the water, the ocean, the Gulf of Mexico, the bay, I grew up by the Mississippi River and water has always had a calming effect for me-- but all these calming places had sad connotations as they were places I would go with Bob --- so is a "safe" place still "a safe place" if it is also sad memory?...

So after some discussion I mentioned my swimming pool (which is water) and was supposed to be a therapy pool for Bob but he died before it was put in, and I decided to go ahead and put it in anyway and it is calming  (and I am so glad the contractor talked me into putting the "water features" in it) which means deck shoots and a bubbler so the pool sounds like fountain -- and I did recall the first time, after the pool was done, and I bought a lounge chair and table and sat next to the pool with my cig (sorry still smoke) and a drink and reclined back and immediately thought "jeepers, I could live here!" and then laughed because ha! I do live here. How about that?

OK -- so the "safe place" is the pool.  Then my therapist said I needed a "container" like a box or basket or bucket or garbage can where I can put "stressful emotions" into --- and I say, "Do I have bring a box, bucket, garbage can or picnic basket to my session or--- what?"  Oh no, this is just an imaginary box/basket etc....

All righty --- I imagine myself running from the room to the "safe" ladies room with a picnic basket full of bad memories.... yikes!

I am not sure about this --- but our first session is scheduled next Thursday....

Meanwhile, tick tock, tick tock --  Bob's death anniversary is May 28th -- and I feel like it was just yesterday -- and am back to puking in the morning, pulling down the shades, wanting to hide/drink/dissolve into nothingness.

I have invited some friends over on May 28 --- so I won't be alone -- but now I'm wondering if I've bitten off more than I can chew..... cause really, I just want to crawl under the bed and hide.... and now I'm committed to making dinner for 6 (count em) people, plus cleaning up the house, getting everything ready and .... yikes -- what have I done?!

I will keep you posted --- thanks for listening/reading

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Comments & a New Therapy

I just wanted to write a quick post thanking all of those of you left so many uplifting, sweet comments lately. It certainly helps me through tough days. And a special thanks to two new readers for your comments -- Vindi and another reader who is starting a blog of their own about caregiving -- unfortunately I could not find your blog and would love it if you can send me a direct link!

Also -- to the reader who suggested I get Kona certified as a Service Dog --- you can see (by the picture below) she is! I have a diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and also PTSD. I take Kona everywhere, to the grocery store, the mall, therapy appointments, restaurants, antiquing, everywhere! And she is a godsend.  (Though my car is full of dog hair! ha!) Don't know what I'd have done without her by my side.  And it's terrible that so many charity agencies who provide service dogs (at no cost) have very long waiting lists, but I was lucky enough to be able to afford the training on my own......

In other news, my therapist is getting her certification for a "new" type of therapy for PTSD and anxiety disorders -- it's called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). This therapy is really not so new -- been around since 1987, but is just gaining acceptance by the medical field.  I have an appointment with her tomorrow and I do want to try this -- so I will keep you posted on the results (if any).

thanks again, everyone.  It's still a day at a time here --- seems grief never takes a vacation...

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

A Tribute to Louise

I'm sure you remember Louise -- my duck, who brought me so much happiest before she (and her new family) moved on...
I found a vintage cement duck (for the cement pond!) to mark her nest as I will never forget her and her sweet ducklings, a beautiful gift to me at a very hard time in my life....and always remember that Bob is watching over me.


Meanwhile, it is now May, marking 2 years without Bob on the 28th....  Having a hard time with, but trying my best.....

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

What the heck?

I've had trouble getting access to my own blog == finally got on here -- after 9-10 attempts --- what the heck is going on? Kept asking for passwords and then saying they were invalid --- huh? I haven't changed a thing --- Also had trouble posting on Facebook.  Also had sound issues -- couldn't hear some Youtube posts. Even Amazon was denying my account and had to diddle around to get that up at and going ---- what is going on?  Anyhoo since I finally got on here so this is a "test" post to see if it will work! -- We are ready for bedtime -- my BYD (Big Yellow Dog) and huge teddy bear with Bob's Superman T-shirt are already in bed -- Ripley will join us when lights are out  -- heck, hardly room for me!  But -- what is going on with access to internet? Is it my computer? or the whole system?
Kona and Super Bear ready for bedtime!

Monday, April 17, 2017

Still Grieving

I know it's been awhile since I posted -- I haven't because I'm still in deep grief. Next month will be the 2 year anniversary of Bob's passing --- and I can't believe it's been that long, seems like only yesterday, then sometimes feels like 100 years ago... I am still in somewhat of a state of shock, can't believe he's gone...

I just try to get by --- day by day....

Am going to counseling, seeing a shrink, taking Xanax.....

Taking care of my dog, cat, Chris's two fish (still alive, surprise!) -- I swim every day in the pool as weather permits. Kona is the Evil Queen of Tennis Balls, you should see her dive in the pool after them. At least, she can make me laugh.

Still missing Bob so much. My heart still shattered. Am reading a lot of "grief healing" books ---
And trying to heal -- if that is possible.

Sorry this blog is so quiet.

Almost scared to post here -- as I think everyone has forgotten about me, or doesn't care anymore.....


Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Searching for Louise

Yesterday, Kona and I walked to the nearest lake (about 7 blocks away) and took a long walk around the perimeter of the lake looking for Louise. We saw all different types of ducks, coots, geese, turtles, snakebirds, herons, egrets -- but no Louise. And then, Kona was nearly attacked by a very mad white goose. I was losing hope, 3/4 around the lake, and still no Louise. In fact, I hate to admit, but I was nearly in tears.

So I said to Bob, "Sweetheart, if you truly sent those ducks to me, please show me a sign that she is here or find her and send to somewhere I can see her, please!  I just want to know she and her babies are okay."

And Kona and I continued walking, searching the water, when I noticed some graffiti on a culvert on the lake's edge that I had never noticed before:

So I stopped there, searching the water near this culvert which was filled with lily pads and reedy water plants and murky and didn't see anything except a turtle.

So I sat down.

Waited.

Watched the lake.

And in the distance, about 30 feet away, a duck's head popped out of the water lilies and my heart skipped a beat and she swam out of the lilies and it was, my god, I thought, Louise -- but I wasn't quite sure as she was far from me, but then I saw the ducklings and I knew it was her. The ducklings were swimming in and out of the lilies so fast and the best count I got was six of them at once, but hopefully, the other three were under the lilies.

Louise and ducklings, happy and safe!
All I can say is she is one lucky duck to have made it through the busy streets to that lake -- or perhaps she had some spirit guides!!


Update March 29: went back to the lake today and saw Louise plus at least 7 ducklings, maybe 8. Some guy saw me watching and came over to see the ducklings and commented on them, I said, "Those are my ducks!" and he looked at me like a crazy lady -- ha! So had to explain the whole story -- and then he told there's an otter in this lake that eats ducklings --- eeeeeeeek! Didn't need to hear that.

Praying for a white light protecting these duckies from The Evil Otter.

I know this pic isn't clear --- but I am counting at least 7 here!