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Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Strange Events...

A local medium, who's online seminars I sometimes watch, suggests that if you want to receive a "message" or "sign" from your loved one on the other side, you send up a "voice mail" asking for a sign.

I've been missing Bob so much lately, esp. (I think) because of the holiday season, so I did just that. Sent up a voice mail asking Bob to show me that he was around.

Nothing happened. Not right away.

Until the other night while watching TV, the TV kept flickering -- but I chalked that up to my crappy satellite service and thought nothing of it.

It was late and last thing to do before turning in to bed is check my computer to see if there are any messages etc. And as I just about to log off for the night, the phone rang.

I thought, who the heck is calling at nearly midnight? When I went to pick up the phone, my caller id told me it was Linda, a friend of mine, which was very odd because she is not a night owl, so my immediate thought was oh my gosh, something is wrong. But when I answered phone and said "Hello" and "Hello?" and again "Hello?" the line was dead silent...

Odd.

So I called her back to make sure she was OK.

And I woke her up as she was sleeping. Her cell phone was no where near the bed, but in it's charger. But we talked for a few minutes trying out what had just happened and while we were talking, the radio turned itself on.

Oh-kay.

After we hung up, I checked the phone record and found the last call I had received was indeed from Linda but time stamped 3:11 p.m. earlier that day when she did in fact call.

Hmmmmm.....

Then the next day,  another friend called wanting to borrow my pink (of course) x-mas tree for her holiday party and when I told her I had just gotten a call that my Buddha statue had come in (a replacement for the one I broke during Hurricane Irma) and I was planning to go get it, she suggested we go together and she'd pick me up, pick the tree up, get the Buddha and take the tree to her place. etc. So we did.

And on the way back, Buddha in car with us, we were driving a long and up ahead we could see the traffic light go from green to yellow to red. When we stopped, the red lights started flashing for no apparent reason. And this weird phenomenon happened to us not just once, not twice but three separate times...

Well, they say spirits can "mess" with electricity and electronics....

I guess Bob is still around.

Thanks sweetheart!

Friday, December 8, 2017

Skipping Christmas

I just don't have the heart to do Christmas this year....  no decorations, no cards, no nothing.... I don't why it's hitting me so hard this year, just is.... and I am a mess.......

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Baby Steps --- and then...

Most of you know I've been suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD symptoms since Bob's death. One of the hardest things for me has been driving -- which seems so incredibly stupid since I've driven since I was 16 years old and of course after Bob's stroke was the only driver in the family.

I've always considered myself a "good" driver -- maybe with the exception of parallel parking (ha!) but since Bob's death I am white knuckled behind the steering wheel and pretty much the only thing that calms me down is having the dog with me. So I take her everywhere, grocery store, pharmacy, mall -- you name it. Unless a friend picks me up, I am never in a car alone without Kona.

So it was a BIG step for me to take the car in to be buffed out (after I scratched the crap out of it after Hurricane Irma) and I decided I needed to go it alone, thinking Kona might be in the way of the guy who was doing the buffing, and knew the guy (Chuck) as he had helped board up the house, but I did not know what the "setup" at his house would be and was worried what to do with the dog while he was working on the car. So I did it. Googled driving directions and set out on my own, telling myself it was only 6.1 miles, taking the route less travelled and telling myself, over and over,  "you can do this, Diane" but still was scared shitless all the way there -- but once the job was finished and done (beautifully I must add), I drove home much calmer and even fist pumped the air when I got home, i.e. "I DID IT!!! WHOO-HOO!"

I shared my "triumph" with my therapist who suggested I might try this occasionally, short trips, where I would be meeting someone I knew and start getting more comfortable driving alone in "baby steps".

Then, a few days later, I came home and while backing the car into my parking spot, slammed the back end of my car right into my neighbor's fence.

jeepers

And this damage can't be "buffed out" -- paint scraped off down the metal. Neighbor was fortunately very nice when I told him what happened and though I offered to pay for the damage to his fence, he said "don't worry about it."

And now I'm back to white knuckled, clutching the steering wheel, freaking out while driving, even, sometimes with the dog in the car....

Will I ever feel normal again? geez






Saturday, November 4, 2017

EFT

I hate to say it's been a very stressful week for me with Halloween and my birthday and throw some other emotional junk on top of that and add another "dissociative episode" that left me pretty shook up.  At my Thursday therapy session, we started, as always, just reviewing my week and I told her about my week including the derealization episode and she asked me to describe exactly how I 'feel' when this happens to me.

It's hard to put into words.  But it's sort like I'm stepping out of myself, or behind myself, and wondering where I am and how I got there -- this was in the middle of an afternoon matinee concert -- and I start thinking who are all these people? and I don't belong here, and this isn't real as if I've stepped into someone else's life or a scene in a movie --then I start shaking uncontrollably and have the sudden urge to flee. It's really an awful feeling sort of like falling into a parallel universe and I am frantic to find my way to the "real universe" where Bob is waiting for me.  I really had to flee  -- leaving at intermission.  I couldn't calm down until I got home and hugged Kona.  Anyway, because I was still pretty shook up from the event, instead of doing EMDR, my therapist suggested we try EFT to calm my nerves.

EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Tapping, though some call it Emotional Finger Tapping. It's quite interesting and if you never heard of it, here's a brief video explaining how it works:



So we did EFT using the phrase "Even though I feel stressed and anxious, I know that I am OK and nothing bad will happen."  The therapist would say the sentence and have me repeat it after her as she tapped on her pressure points and I tapped on mine. She changed it up a few times to "Even though I feel shaky and my heart is racing etc." or "even though my palms are sweaty and chest feels tight" and after repeating this exercise about four times, I was surprised to find tears running down my cheeks.

And I said, "I don't even know why I'm crying."

She said, "It's one way your body relieves stress."

And I did feel calmer afterwards.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

First Halloween Alone

Been dreading this day, I used to love Halloween -- in those golden years, Bob and I would sit on the front porch and hand out candy, we barely got a handful of kids but we still loved doing it and Bob loved decorating the house.  However this neighborhood goes "crazy" on Halloween. I mean last year we had around 400 trick-or-treaters, I did you not (they actually "bus them in") and it's really hard to handle alone.

Last year, I invited a neighbor to help out, and we sat on porch, drinking beer, handing out treats.  It was a lot of fun. There were so many kids, they keep coming -- and without help, there's no time for even a bathroom break! Unfortunately, that neighbor has since moved to Orlando.

The year before, Chris helped out. And of course, now she's gone....

I just can't imagine doing this all by myself.

So, I'm locking gate. Turning off the lights. Pulling down the shades. And trying ignore the whole thing..... kind of sad, but as Bob would've said "oh well".

Tomorrow is my birthday and for the first time ever, I will be older than him. Hard to put my head around that... doesn't seem right.

Anyway, Happy Halloween everyone!

Thursday, October 26, 2017

My Guest Post now "Live"

You can now read my guest post published by My Therapy (website is "mytherapyapp.com") Just click on the following link: https://www.mytherapyapp.com/blog/world-stroke-day-caregiving !