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Wednesday, February 3, 2016


So, this is weird....  When I posted my last blog post, I was rather shocked when I clicked on the "View Blog" button and up came my blog, with my new post, and I saw that both Boomer and Zenith's photos were gone.

Yes, they were missing. Both of them.

Which is really strange since I know I did not remove those photos and no one else has that kind of access to my computer or password, etc. In addition, nothing else was removed from my blog, just those two photos.

I do know that a couple of weeks ago, I had contemplated removing both those pictures because they rather made me sad to see them there, but then I found I just could not bring myself to do it.

Now the photos have disappeared and I can only think of 2-3 possibilities:  I did it my sleep (Ha!) or  I have developed memory loss problems (I hope that's not it) OR it's Bob's handiwork....


I must say, that sometimes Bob seems to be a busy guy over there on The Other Side.  Just this morning, while I was thinking about writing this post, about Signs from Bob, the doorbell tinkled.

And I mean tinkled.  Not the real brrrrr-RING that it usually makes, but a tinkle.  And I know it was the doorbell that made this sound as Kona went nuts barking at the door.

Our old fashion mechanical doorbell.
This is not the first time the doorbell has made a small tinkling noise and, upon opening the door, I find no one there.

And this never happened while Bob was alive.

Speaking of doors, while I was waiting in the shrink's office, Kona started growling -- a low ominous growling --- which is very unlike her when we are out in public, heck, it's very unlike her at all, so I was quite startled until I noticed that Kona was looking at the front door to the office, the door that leads outside into the parking lot, and that door had slowly opened a crack. Then Kona barked. So I got up, opened the door fully, and no one was there....

Then there's the back gate, last week, when I stepped outside to see if the rain had stopped enough to take Kona out for a walk and I heard, distinctly, the sound of the metal gate latch clicking open, and then the gate swung open wide, and I nearly shit my pants -- because, jeepers, I was expecting no one and it was night time, and I ran into the house, locked the door, peered out the window and no one was there.

There have been other signs, over the months, some subtle, some not so subtle. Like Bob's beloved C.Crane radio that flashes (like a wink) at me when I walk through the room, and that's when the radio is turned off. And it does this, at least, once a day, sometimes more.  I've gotten in the habit of just saying, "Hi, Bob!" when the thing winks the digital display at me.

Or the mysterious fortune cookie slip that I discovered in the middle of the kitchen floor one morning, and knowing, full well, I hadn't ordered any Chinese food in I can't remember how long, was quite shocked to pick up this slip of paper and see what it was.  Even more startling was the fact that this fortune did not have the "lucky lotto numbers" on the back of it, which is always the case with the Chinese place we order from. The slip is below:

There have been other things, too, like the night I was talking on the phone with my sister, and we were talking about Bob, when suddenly I heard a noise coming from my office, and when I went into that room, I found a video of Bob playing on my computer screen...

Or another night, when talking to a friend about Bob's artwork, when suddenly all the lights blinked out, and even the phone went dead for an instant, and then everything came back on.

And then there's the occasional strange shadow or reflection that appears on the living room walls.  The other day it was a reflection of a window that quickly moved from one side of the room to the other side, turning the corner onto the next wall before disappearing.  And I had the shades pulled down...  Another time it was the shadow of a head and shoulders of man, that walked across the top of the wall -- our walls are 9 feet high and I ran to the french doors to see if there was someone on our front porch, but no one was there.  And the shadow disappeared.

Or the sometimes strange websites that show up on my computer in the morning (I leave the computer on sleep mode at night, so usually what shows up is wherever I last was) -- websites that have no business being on my computer and usually have to do with gardening (a former hobby of mine) or -- once, an obscure musician singing a song about "finding your creativity".

On Bob's birthday, I was quite amazed to hear the anchor on our morning local news station announce "Today is National Nothing Day!" and for years, this had been a joke of Bob's because a long time ago someone had given him a desk calendar that had all the strange different designated  days (you know what I mean, such as National Artichoke Day, or Walk Your Dog Day, etc.) and on his birthday the calendar said "National Nothing Day".  And all these years, I have never heard anyone mention this, ever, except, of course, Bob, and here it was, on the morning news, with a brief history following of how the day became named back in the 1970's and designated as a day to "do nothing"....

And then there was my friend, Shirley, who wanted to take home a Florida souvenir and especially wanted a refrigerator magnet with preferably a flamingo on it, and we went hunting all over, not finding anything in all the gift shops we went into, and I finally had a sudden inspiration and said, "Let's check Walmart" and when we did, she came out of the store with a HUGE smile because she found not only a flamingo magnet but one with a thermometer on it -- and we had just been talking about how I collected flamingos and Bob collected thermometers.  She bought two.  One for her and one for me. And Shirley looked at me as she gave the magnet, and said, "That's a sign from Bob, I'm not kidding. This is too weird.  And they only had two of these!"

I know some folks may think I'm crazy, and that some of this is just coincidences or computer glitches or whatnot, but I must say, I believe.

I believe.

I believe.

I believe.

And I don't want to stop believing...

Friday, January 29, 2016

Slipping Sideways

I went to my therapist last week, told her I felt I was sliding backwards and she told me to think of it more as a "slipping sideways" instead.

This whole thing with Chris has really affected me.  She is still in a coma, now diagnosed with a MRSA infection in her lungs, and, according to her daughter, "it does not look good".

I have not been to see her, as she is in ICU and that's "family only" though her daughter said she would take me -- I just can't do it. All the memories of Bob's hospitalization back in 2010.  Memories of his recent death, flooding back on me, in gruesome detail.

As my therapist said, "it doesn't do you or Chris any good, if you show up and fall apart in front of her."

So I sent flowers, not even sure if she'll notice...

On top of this, the flea problem in her apartment has escalated.  I mean the things jump out the door and attack you before you EVEN step inside.  I called a professional exterminator who has sprayed twice, but says Chris has "too much junk" piled against the walls, etc. and to work effectively, I'd have to remove stuff and pull out all her bedding, clothes, rugs etc. and wash everything....  Something I certainly am not comfortable with....

I tell you, I feel like I've waken up in a nightmare.  First Bob, who I miss so very very terribly, and then Zenith, Boomer and now Chris.  Add fleas from hell into the mix.  A still trashed van at the body shop.  And here I am all alone, trying to deal with everything.

Someone wake me up, please.

Oh and plus, both Kona and Ripley had to be treated for flea bite infections.  Ripley is much better, but Kona is on her second round of antibiotics...

I  did see the shrink, finally, last week.  She diagnosed me with "GAD" i.e. Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  Gave me a script for lorazepam.  Wanted to try some anti-depressants.  Which I nixed.  Because I had, long ago, in another lifetime, been prescribed prozac and doxepin shortly after my divorce in 1989.  And, after taking these drugs for a few months,  I actually felt worse and then, I went home from work one Friday evening, took every single pill in the house, including dozens of sleeping pills, drank some alcohol and went to bed, knowing that no one would miss me until I didn't show up for work on Monday, and by the time they found me, it would be too late.

I was actually quite surprised to wake up the next day, horribly ill, and having hallucinations of my then newly dead cat (Socrates) jumping from dresser to bed and back, and the flowers on the wallpaper creeping like spiders toward the floor....

Scared the living hell out of me.  I stopped taking the anti-depressants, cold turkey, much to my therapist's chagrin.  Vowed never to put myself in that position again.

So lately, I spend most days curled on the couch with Kona and Ripley.  Crying.  Or watching brain-numbing TV.  Some days, I don't even leave the house.  The shades are pulled tight. Once again, I vomit nearly every morning. Have trouble sleeping at night.

I do have something to look forward to:  in Feb., a dear old friend coming to visit.  And then a different dear old friend in March.  And so, all is not lost... and these things keep me going.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Time for a Change

After the van was weirdly, sinisterly damaged by the errant brick -- I have come to think that a) The Universe is trying to tell me something, or b) Bob is trying to tell me something, or c) I need to get rid of that van before I totally trash it, or d) all of the above --- and so, this past week, I called the wheelchair van place where we bought the Bobmobile and got a verbal offer of $30,000 cash to buy the van back.

And I thought, well, 30 grand will more than cover the cost of a small compact car for me.

I had originally thought of buying a Mini Cooper -- they are so cute, but Bubba told me he would "divorce" me if I bought one, as, according to Bubba, they are "pieces of crap" and he, as my mechanic, advised me to (his words) "get a little Jap car" instead.

So I went searching last weekend for a Japanese car.

I started looking at Nissans because long ago, in what seems another life, I had a 1987 Sentra Hatchback named Little Blue Bomber and I absolutely loved that car and it served me well for 13 years.

I test drove the Nissan Versa Note, which is a very cute (hatchback) car, but unfortunately no one in the area had any in stock with the options I wanted.  They could order it -- it would take 2-3 months. Or I could drive to Daytona Beach where one was due to arrive soon, which seemed an awful long way to go. Or the Daytona Beach dealer could deliver it to me, but I would have to commit to buying the car, pretty much sight unseen.

So then I stopped at a Honda dealership and test drove the Honda Fit, which is very similar to the Versa Note and, in fact, has a bit more horsepower and some added features that the Note did not have, for about the same price.  I hesitated and told the salesperson I needed to "sleep on it" and then I very clearly heard Bob say to me, "Just get it!"  So I did.

Here it is, my new Little Blue Bomber II:

I must say, I am quite happy with it.

Kona is happy with it, too.  I, actually, took Kona on the test drive. The salesperson opened the back door for her and she jumped in.  When he opened the front passenger door to get in, Kona jumped in that seat.  The salesman said, "Oh, I guess I'm riding in back." and when he went to open the back door, Kona jumped into the back seat to keep him out! ha!  I had to tell Kona to "sit and stay" so the salesman could ride  up front with us for the test drive. I think Kona already claimed the car as hers.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Today is Bob's 57th Birthday

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!  

To dare 
to dream
to reach

you, my love, 
through time and space
beyond the stars,
and clasp your hand
in mine

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Finally -- Friends

Caught these two, finally, warming up to each other:

It's about time!!!!

Meanwhile, things have been going downhill, Chris is in a medically induced coma, trached and a feeding tube in her belly --- does not look good.

Did have some visitors over the past couple weeks, which was a nice diversion, something I looked forward to, but unfortunately one of them proved somewhat difficult to deal with....

Van still not fixed as the first body shop refused to deal with it -- because of the wheelchair conversation, so it was towed to a "speciality" wheelchair van shop, which kept it three days and then refused to deal with it -- because of the extensive body damage, so now it's been towed to another shop ---- grrrr

And Chris's apartment is full of fleas .....

Somedays, I swear....

My stress level is off the charts at the moment.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Ending The Year With A Bang (Quite Literally...)

So, Kona and I spent a quiet Christmas -- on the couch, watching movies, eating left-over pizza.  One of the movies we watched was Ghost -- and I cried but it was good cry and, all in all, I got through the day.  New Years Day was more difficult.  I woke up on Jan. 1st, tears in my eyes, the beginning of a new year without Bob....  Some days, I swear, it seems impossible to go on.

Between the holidays, I did have a visitor from out of town, and we did a little sight seeing and one of those days, we were coming home and when I turned into our alley, we heard a horrendous BANG!!!

I stopped the van and thought -- what the hell did I hit??  But looking back, both Julie (my friend) and I could see nothing.

Now our alley, like our street, is made of historic brick. And therefore, is a somewhat bumpy road.  And, as always, I'm driving very slow, less than 5 miles an hour. I pulled into our parking space behind the house and got out to look and was absolutely shocked at what I saw:  the rear passenger door of our van was crumpled.

Oh-kay, now this is freaky, because I didn't think I hit a thing. And on inspection of the alley, found a brick lying loose in the road.

And the only thing we could surmise was that my front tire had somehow triggered this brick to pop up, catch on the undercarriage of the van and somehow wedge itself against the vehicle and practically tear up the door....  The brick was from an area of the alley where a tree root had buckled up the bricks.

This is our alley, the loose brick came from the bumpy area on the right hand side.

The damage....
I was in tears.  I mean, I don't need this right now. And we could barely close the van door.  I called Bubba who told me something this "freakish" could "only happen" to me, or him.  ha!  He told me to call the city and report the damage and the road problem, because it was their responsibility and they should pay for the damage to the van.  Which I did.

I then called my insurance company, who told me it was my responsibility (not the city's) because I "failed to overlook" meaning I did not see and therefore avoid this obstacle. So therefore my insurance should pay and my rates will probably go up.  jeepers...

So I take the van into the body shop next week.

Meanwhile, Chris is still in the hospital. They have not transferred her to a rehab facility because she fell off the commode and injured her neck.

What a way to start the new year....

The evil brick....