OK, you all heard about me getting kicked out the writer's group. Since then, 3 people in that group still want to keep in touch with me. One is also writing a memoir about her son's death, so I felt an immediate connection with her. She contacted me and we met on Monday, shared a few chapters, talked, read, critiqued each other and honestly, it was a nice time. So, a new friend and we made another "date" to get back together -- she is a retired doctor (pediatrics) and asked me a lot of medical questions -- and told me that they should have never performed the surgery if they had done certain blood tests on Bob --- as I told her that after the stroke, a hematologist said Bob had "thick" blood, a genetic issue that he had his whole life... She said they should've checked for that before performing the surgery...
And that bothered me -- because I have often wondered if Bob ever really needed that endarterectomy surgery, because he had a small stroke 2003 and was on a blood thinner, then had hernia repair surgery (for which they took him off the warfarin-- blood thinner) and then he had these TIA's when he was NOT on a blood thinner in recovery after hernia surgery, and they did an ultrasound when he was NOT on a blood thinner and diagnosed him with occluded carotid arteries -- and well, thinking back, was it really "occluded carotid arteries" or just this "genetic thick blood"? and maybe all he really needed was to be on a blood thinner for the rest of his life.... but, I didn't know, nor did Bob, about this genetic thick blood thing until after the BIG stroke in 2010, which happened after the endarterectomy surgery when he was not on a blood thinner and his carotid artery re-blocked that night quite quickly -- and a few weeks later, a hematologist was brought in to check his blood and found this abnormal genetically thick blood...
(Though the damn nurses should have done something when his symptoms appeared, I'm certainly not condoning their actions at all.)
Anyway, I guess I can wonder and wonder, and beat myself up, and think he should've never had that surgery at all --- but nothing changes anything now.
I was driving today, and had to stop at a stoplight on an intersection near our old "Pink House On The Corner" and I could see our former house, a block and a half a way, and it still looks the same, I mean it's still pink, though the new owner put up a (rather ugly) fence. But I could see the old Pink House and I just broke down... and started sobbing. Remembering the "good old days" and when we bought that house and all was well, etc. etc. And I don't even know how I got home, crying as I was and driving, but I did manage to get home and park in our driveway and sat and cried and cried and cried, and then yelled, "Why did you leave me, Bob?" and yelled at the universe and basically had a major breakdown....
I really wanted to call someone, to talk to someone, but I didn't know who to call, as no one really understands, and no one wants to hear me whine, and sometimes I feel like I don't have a friend in the world... So I just jumped in the pool and swam laps until I was exhausted....
9 comments:
Next time cal me! If anybody understand I do. You can play the would of, could of, should of or the blame games until the little men in white coats come for you. It honestly doesn't change the facts that it happened and it sure doesn't make you feel better. Hugs Diane.
When you talk to someone about your pain, you are grieving out loud, not complaining. And next time, you can call me too; I may not understand, but I'm really good at listening.
Laps seem like a brilliant solution.
I have envy your laps. And, your good long cry. That deep, wrenching realization of the house, and the ugly fence, and this on top of another worry about Bob.
I have no words. However, I can recommend a book I just read, and plan to re-read and share. It is called “The Body Keeps the Score.” It is about how the body and brain are impacted, and changed, by trauma. Get a used copy from Amazon, and tell us what you think.
Hugs from Iowa
I love you and care about you. I do understand and you can cry on my shoulder. I consider you my dear friend. Love you. ❤️
You have friends and people who loves you, but is ok to feel that way, we are humans and you have gone through a lot. I love you, I d been working and busy with son and husband, I’m tired, I want to sleep for a week.... is not going to happen. Hugs.
Yadira
Yes, very envious of the pool laps :) That is wonderful that you have access to that therapeutic outlet.....
You can call me, too. We could have a community call.
Denise, can't call you if I don't your phone # - contact me through my profile e-mail and not sure what a "community call" is???
And everyone else, who responded, thank you so much for your support. I appreciate it so much -- I felt so alone and you have proved I'm not --- this journey after Bob's death and "grief triggers" catches me off guard so much, and still miss Bob so much, but I do thank you all for your understanding and support.
Love you all!
Grief sure hits unexpectedly and in great waves, doesn't it.
You're not alone.
Post a Comment