Seems Like He's Giving Up

It's been a frustrating few days, Bob has been cranky and uncooperative. Without the home therapists here, I am trying my best to do their jobs. But--- It's difficult to do therapy with an uncooperative patient. He doesn't want to do the speech therapy because his mouth hurts. He doesn't want to do standing practice because his foot hurts. And don't even go near that right arm---if I do, he'll pick it up by the wrist, hold it in the air for a few seconds then let it flop to the bed like a dead fish. Then, he gives me that look and rolls his eyes.... I have tried begging, pleading, cajoling, rationalizing, even threatening: "Do you want to end up in a nursing home?" "Yes," he tells me. I am at the end of my rope.

This morning I woke up around 4:30 with tears in my eyes. Outside, I could hear the rain beating on the roof. I laid there, trying not to make a sound, someone once told me at the hospital "Don't let your husband see you cry. It'll make everything worse." Then, I hear him: "Yoo Hoo! Hello? Yoo Hoo!" I drag myself out of bed and find that he has spilled the urinal (again) and he is soaked and the bed is soaked. So, I clean him up, change his diaper, and change the sheets from under him and crawl back into bed and lay there in the dark. I can't sleep. So, I figure, I might as well get up and take the dog out.

I go to the dresser, turn the night light on so I can fish out socks, underwear, and I see the little card I have propped up in front of our wedding picture. I have carried this card for 22 years, it was given to me by a co-worker who was a devout Buddhist. On the card is a Buddhist mantra. My co-worker gave this to me when I was going through my divorce and she told me that if I ever felt down, sad, lonely or frustrated, to chant this mantra and it would put me in tune with the vibrations of the universe and, if nothing else, make me feel better. She assured me that you did not need to be a Buddhist for it to work. So, once again, I look at this old card, then I dress and grab the leash and Boomer and I head out into the dark, damp morning. As we walk, I recite the mantra. It does make me feel a little better. Half-way through our morning stroll, the rain stops, the sky lightens and I look to the east and see the most amazing sunrise. All of the clouds on the horizon are aglow: pink, red, orange, yellow and gold. Rays of sunshine are sprouting over the rooftops. And Boomer starts to jump around: a mad, happy dance. Which makes me laugh. And I think. There it is. A sign. Everything will work out fine.

So, today is a new day and the beginning of a new week. And I will try again. Maybe I can cajole him into some exercises. Perhaps a game of Scrabble (he did well last week). Tomorrow Bob is scheduled for a PET scan and Wednesday, he has a CAT scan. And hopefully Bayfront will get the damnable paperwork processed this week and I can get him into Outpatient Rehab. Maybe he'll be more cooperative with a therapist who is not me.

For those of you interested: here is a scan of that 22 year old card. The words are pronounced thus:

Nam (as in Vietnam)
Myoho (Me-O-Ho)
Renge (Rin Gay)
KYO (Key-O)

Say it out loud. It has a nice vibration to it. And heck, it does make you feel better.

By the way, is anybody here? Haven't had a comment here all week. As Bob would say, "Yoo Hoo! Hello? Yoo Hoo!" Drop me a comment. Just say hello. If for no other reason, it makes me feel good. thanks