Slipping Sideways

I went to my therapist last week, told her I felt I was sliding backwards and she told me to think of it more as a "slipping sideways" instead.

This whole thing with Chris has really affected me.  She is still in a coma, now diagnosed with a MRSA infection in her lungs, and, according to her daughter, "it does not look good".

I have not been to see her, as she is in ICU and that's "family only" though her daughter said she would take me -- I just can't do it. All the memories of Bob's hospitalization back in 2010.  Memories of his recent death, flooding back on me, in gruesome detail.

As my therapist said, "it doesn't do you or Chris any good, if you show up and fall apart in front of her."

So I sent flowers, not even sure if she'll notice...

On top of this, the flea problem in her apartment has escalated.  I mean the things jump out the door and attack you before you EVEN step inside.  I called a professional exterminator who has sprayed twice, but says Chris has "too much junk" piled against the walls, etc. and to work effectively, I'd have to remove stuff and pull out all her bedding, clothes, rugs etc. and wash everything....  Something I certainly am not comfortable with....

I tell you, I feel like I've waken up in a nightmare.  First Bob, who I miss so very very terribly, and then Zenith, Boomer and now Chris.  Add fleas from hell into the mix.  A still trashed van at the body shop.  And here I am all alone, trying to deal with everything.

Someone wake me up, please.

Oh and plus, both Kona and Ripley had to be treated for flea bite infections.  Ripley is much better, but Kona is on her second round of antibiotics...

I  did see the shrink, finally, last week.  She diagnosed me with "GAD" i.e. Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  Gave me a script for lorazepam.  Wanted to try some anti-depressants.  Which I nixed.  Because I had, long ago, in another lifetime, been prescribed prozac and doxepin shortly after my divorce in 1989.  And, after taking these drugs for a few months,  I actually felt worse and then, I went home from work one Friday evening, took every single pill in the house, including dozens of sleeping pills, drank some alcohol and went to bed, knowing that no one would miss me until I didn't show up for work on Monday, and by the time they found me, it would be too late.

I was actually quite surprised to wake up the next day, horribly ill, and having hallucinations of my then newly dead cat (Socrates) jumping from dresser to bed and back, and the flowers on the wallpaper creeping like spiders toward the floor....

Scared the living hell out of me.  I stopped taking the anti-depressants, cold turkey, much to my therapist's chagrin.  Vowed never to put myself in that position again.

So lately, I spend most days curled on the couch with Kona and Ripley.  Crying.  Or watching brain-numbing TV.  Some days, I don't even leave the house.  The shades are pulled tight. Once again, I vomit nearly every morning. Have trouble sleeping at night.

I do have something to look forward to:  in Feb., a dear old friend coming to visit.  And then a different dear old friend in March.  And so, all is not lost... and these things keep me going.

Time for a Change

After the van was weirdly, sinisterly damaged by the errant brick -- I have come to think that a) The Universe is trying to tell me something, or b) Bob is trying to tell me something, or c) I need to get rid of that van before I totally trash it, or d) all of the above --- and so, this past week, I called the wheelchair van place where we bought the Bobmobile and got a verbal offer of $30,000 cash to buy the van back.

And I thought, well, 30 grand will more than cover the cost of a small compact car for me.

I had originally thought of buying a Mini Cooper -- they are so cute, but Bubba told me he would "divorce" me if I bought one, as, according to Bubba, they are "pieces of crap" and he, as my mechanic, advised me to (his words) "get a little Jap car" instead.

So I went searching last weekend for a Japanese car.

I started looking at Nissans because long ago, in what seems another life, I had a 1987 Sentra Hatchback named Little Blue Bomber and I absolutely loved that car and it served me well for 13 years.

I test drove the Nissan Versa Note, which is a very cute (hatchback) car, but unfortunately no one in the area had any in stock with the options I wanted.  They could order it -- it would take 2-3 months. Or I could drive to Daytona Beach where one was due to arrive soon, which seemed an awful long way to go. Or the Daytona Beach dealer could deliver it to me, but I would have to commit to buying the car, pretty much sight unseen.

So then I stopped at a Honda dealership and test drove the Honda Fit, which is very similar to the Versa Note and, in fact, has a bit more horsepower and some added features that the Note did not have, for about the same price.  I hesitated and told the salesperson I needed to "sleep on it" and then I very clearly heard Bob say to me, "Just get it!"  So I did.

Here it is, my new Little Blue Bomber II:

I must say, I am quite happy with it.

Kona is happy with it, too.  I, actually, took Kona on the test drive. The salesperson opened the back door for her and she jumped in.  When he opened the front passenger door to get in, Kona jumped in that seat.  The salesman said, "Oh, I guess I'm riding in back." and when he went to open the back door, Kona jumped into the back seat to keep him out! ha!  I had to tell Kona to "sit and stay" so the salesman could ride  up front with us for the test drive. I think Kona already claimed the car as hers.

Today is Bob's 57th Birthday

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!  

To dare 
to dream
to reach
you, my love, 
through time and space
beyond the stars,
and clasp your hand
in mine
again.

Finally -- Friends

Caught these two, finally, warming up to each other:

It's about time!!!!

Meanwhile, things have been going downhill, Chris is in a medically induced coma, trached and a feeding tube in her belly --- does not look good.

Did have some visitors over the past couple weeks, which was a nice diversion, something I looked forward to, but unfortunately one of them proved somewhat difficult to deal with....

Van still not fixed as the first body shop refused to deal with it -- because of the wheelchair conversation, so it was towed to a "speciality" wheelchair van shop, which kept it three days and then refused to deal with it -- because of the extensive body damage, so now it's been towed to another shop ---- grrrr

And Chris's apartment is full of fleas .....

Somedays, I swear....

My stress level is off the charts at the moment.

Ending The Year With A Bang (Quite Literally...)

So, Kona and I spent a quiet Christmas -- on the couch, watching movies, eating left-over pizza.  One of the movies we watched was Ghost -- and I cried but it was good cry and, all in all, I got through the day.  New Years Day was more difficult.  I woke up on Jan. 1st, tears in my eyes, the beginning of a new year without Bob....  Some days, I swear, it seems impossible to go on.

Between the holidays, I did have a visitor from out of town, and we did a little sight seeing and one of those days, we were coming home and when I turned into our alley, we heard a horrendous BANG!!!

I stopped the van and thought -- what the hell did I hit??  But looking back, both Julie (my friend) and I could see nothing.

Now our alley, like our street, is made of historic brick. And therefore, is a somewhat bumpy road.  And, as always, I'm driving very slow, less than 5 miles an hour. I pulled into our parking space behind the house and got out to look and was absolutely shocked at what I saw:  the rear passenger door of our van was crumpled.

Oh-kay, now this is freaky, because I didn't think I hit a thing. And on inspection of the alley, found a brick lying loose in the road.

And the only thing we could surmise was that my front tire had somehow triggered this brick to pop up, catch on the undercarriage of the van and somehow wedge itself against the vehicle and practically tear up the door....  The brick was from an area of the alley where a tree root had buckled up the bricks.

This is our alley, the loose brick came from the bumpy area on the right hand side.

The damage....

I was in tears.  I mean, I don't need this right now. And we could barely close the van door.  I called Bubba who told me something this "freakish" could "only happen" to me, or him.  ha!  He told me to call the city and report the damage and the road problem, because it was their responsibility and they should pay for the damage to the van.  Which I did.

I then called my insurance company, who told me it was my responsibility (not the city's) because I "failed to overlook" meaning I did not see and therefore avoid this obstacle. So therefore my insurance should pay and my rates will probably go up.  jeepers...

So I take the van into the body shop next week.

Meanwhile, Chris is still in the hospital. They have not transferred her to a rehab facility because she fell off the commode and injured her neck.

What a way to start the new year....

The evil brick....