Chris is dying

Yesterday, I talked with Chris's son, who told me she wasn't doing well and when I said I was planning to go see her this weekend, he told me to get there as quickly as I can as it would probably be the "last time".

So I went to see her yesterday afternoon.  She looked terrible. Bloated. She did open her eyes, she did blink at me. She was moving her mouth but no words came out. Her tongue was swollen like a huge alien thing.... 

I told her that I loved her, that she had been a good friend and thanked her for all she had done for me and Bob.

I don't know if she understood me.  I don't know if she recognized me.  I thought, for moment, that she did, but then when I left the side of her bed, she was still staring in the direction where I had been sitting and still making the same blinking, grimacing, mouthing movements. So it may have just been involuntary movements on her part.

I spent last night crying on the back porch. I am still crying.

I will try to visit her this weekend, if she is still with us.

My heart is weary from so much breaking..... 

memories

I was doing some paperwork and had to dig through our file cabinet when I ran across a large folder filled with greeting cards.

I tell you, Bob was such a sentimental man, he saved every card, note, etc. that we ever exchanged.

I found this "letter" that he sent to me when I went to a writing class in Door County, Wisconsin.  He was left home pet-sitting my two dogs, Jonah Blue and Lucy.

Click on the image to enlarge if you can't read it!

And so many cards, with so many beautiful sentiments, I tell you, it put a smile on my face and a tear of joy in my eye. Here's just a few from Bob to me:

And I tell you, I have had a very bad, sad week, so I needed this little find......

Phantom Shopper

Here's another post that will have folks questioning my mental health, but...

This morning, as usual, I went to take my morning shower and, as usual, because the water takes awhile to heat up, I picked up the iPad to check some of my regular sites and what should pop up the moment I slide the "lock" open, but a page from Pottery Barn.

And I'm thinking, what's this? I never, ever shop at Pottery Barn. But the page was open to a sale item which was a bed "duvet" and matching shams in "Victorian Paisley Gray".

And I'm thinking, this is weird, but, this would be perfect for our bed.  A few months ago, I was actually looking for a new bedspread because the one I have is white and the dog I have is often dirty and it has become really hard to keep the bedspread clean and a million washings have really taken its toll on it. But I gave up looking around because I couldn't find anything suitable and really, I haven't much thought of that bedspread for quite awhile and suddenly, there's this page on the iPad.

Well, after showering and thinking about it, and thinking that Bob would actually have liked that pattern (not too girly but pretty enough to go with our antiques) I ordered it.

It is perfect and on clearance + 20% off. (Bob would have liked that too.) And it really cheered me up and I must admit I needed some cheering up as I have been really, really down these past few weeks.

But --- how did it get on Bob's iPad?

Was I sleep-shopping? In the middle of the night?

Was it some weird internet program that pulled it up because of my past shopping experience?  And I thought about that, but then, it wasn't an advertisement as sometimes comes up based on your history as these are usually in the sidebar or at the bottom of the page or on a "pop up" ad -- this was an actual page on the Pottery Barn website --- at site which I have never visited in my life, so....

Did I have a little help from someone who loves me on the other side?

Call me crazy, but ---

Memorial

Yesterday, I buried Zenith and Boomer.  I really never grieved them properly, so close to Bob's death, and I found myself in tears as I placed the two little boxes of ashes in the ground.  Today, I had a statue delivered to mark their resting place.

I found this poem in a pet catalog and want to share it here in honor of our two beloved pets.

Remember Me

"Remember me always, but do not grieve too long.  I have tried always to comfort you in times of sorrow, and have made every effort to add joy to your life.

I never wanted to cause you pain.

Peace for me is certain now and I suspect I will have eternal sleep in the earth I have loved so well.

Please, after your period of grieving for me, make room in your heart for another. You are the kind of human being that should always have a friend like me to love. Your kind and gentle heart should not be wasted on my memory for too long. Give your love to another. I know your new friend will never take my place, because we had something special.

It may not be quite the same, but a new devoted and loving companion will, in time, become special in their own way.

You loved me very much and I loved you. My spirit will always be with you and no matter how deep my sleep, my grateful heart will always remember you."

- author unknown

Special thanks to my mom and dad, my sister and nephew and niece for the gift certificate that allowed me to purchase the memorial statue.

Arsonists and Thieves

Well, thought this was a "safe" neighborhood when we moved here --- but...

This past week, my next door neighbor was burglarized.  This happened in the early morning hours while the couple, their two kids and the dog slept upstairs!  Back door was jimmied and taken were the husband's gun collection and the keys to one car, which was also taken.  I want to know --- what's wrong with that dog???

Yesterday, a house on our block was set afire.  This house had been recently sold, the former owner just moved out and the new owners hadn't yet moved in, so it was vacant.  For about six hours, fire trucks lined our street.  I am told, by another neighbor, that there is a "firebug" in the neighborhood.  Just down the alley from me, a van was set afire and also several dumpsters.  Someone's security cameras caught the perp --- a skateboarding teenager who has yet to be identified or caught.

Concerning, to me, as my car is parked in this same alley.

I am now double bolting my back door and keeping the outside lights on at night.

But I do feel vulnerable living here so utterly alone...

And goodness, feeling so alone and vulnerable makes me miss Bob so much and I have fallen back into the deepest grief........  I spent a lot of today just crying. And wondering -- why? Why, oh why, did this have to happen to Bob and me.......

And feeling so alone and lonely tonight...

Medical Errors are the Third Leading Cause of Death in the US

I'm not making that up.

In fact, I was shocked when I read this in a book I've been reading, and, I honestly didn't believe it because I had never heard this before and I had to do some further research to convince myself that this could be possibly true.  And I was amazed at the research I found.

And here I thought Bob was just unlucky.....

Here's just a couple of links to a couple of articles citing that study: click here for an article by Hospital Safety Score and click here for a second article from Forbes.  There is much more information out there if you care to google it.

I am still pretty shocked.  And, of course, this study did not take in account folks like Bob, who manage to survive the ordeal only to die years after the error took place, but because the error took place.  It also doesn't take into account errors that happen on an outpatient basis.  Not to mention, deaths that were not reported as due to medical errors... So the numbers are probably, in reality, much much  higher.

And in case you are wondering: Heart disease is the #1 cause of death, followed by cancer as #2.

Interestly, also, is that most all the reports issued by "official" medical organizations do NOT include medical errors in their "top ten leading causes of death" lists.  hmmmmmm....

All I can say is: There is something definitely, terribly wrong with our health care system. Not only the mistakes/errors that occur but how they are covered up.

And I won't be making an appointment to see a doctor anytime soon!

I also must say, again, that this is the first time I had ever heard these statistics  -- and jeepers! I am still shocked! Am I the only one whose been in the dark here?