May 28th -- Bob's "Memorial Celebration"

I did have friends over on the 28th, spent some time poolside, made one of Bob's favorite dishes for dinner, and we ate picnic style in the backyard. We also "smoked" cigarettes (those who don't smoke "smoked" candy cigarettes) and took a shot of Vodka in his honor and I demonstrated Bob's version of a Tarot Card reading which he called "Bob's Happy Tarot" (he would take all the "bad" cards out of the deck to do "his" readings and he would do them with a very funny accent which I tried my best to imitate, his readings were always hilarious.) And I also showed my friends our wedding video and the party video with Bob and I dancing.

It was a good time (we laughed and cried) and though I was nervous at the beginning, everything went very well. I was glad to finally do something in his honor, as I never had a funeral/wake or real service or even an obit in the paper as I was so shocked, and alone, when he died, and it was just me, Chris and one beloved home health nurse at his cremation  -- So this was a "Celebration" of his life, a little late.  And although most of the women who came are from my widows group and never met Bob, they said they really felt like they knew him by the end of the day.

Here are some pics:

Meanwhile, I had my first EMRD therapy session last week, and will have my second tomorrow -- it was very emotionally and physically draining and found I could not even blog about it --- but feel I need to go on and try it again..... stay tuned...

2 Years Ago

Doesn't seem that long ago -- seems like just yesterday --- then sometimes seems like 100 years ago ----- miss him and love him so much still.... RIP Sweetheart. I love you.

Therapist Session

So, went to my therapist yesterday and told her I wanted to try the EMDR therapy --cause I'm thinking it can't hurt and might help. So we spent much of the session discussing how to prepare and what to expect...

First what trauma event to focus on -- that was easy -- the day Bob died.

Then "code" words or signs that I can give her if it's too much for me to handle.... and stop the session to take a break.

Then to find a "safe place" to go to -- and I'm thinking, huh? Run to the ladies room?!

 But no, this is an imaginary place or a real place you feel safe --and I told her I love the water, the ocean, the Gulf of Mexico, the bay, I grew up by the Mississippi River and water has always had a calming effect for me-- but all these calming places had sad connotations as they were places I would go with Bob --- so is a "safe" place still "a safe place" if it is also sad memory?...

So after some discussion I mentioned my swimming pool (which is water) and was supposed to be a therapy pool for Bob but he died before it was put in, and I decided to go ahead and put it in anyway and it is calming  (and I am so glad the contractor talked me into putting the "water features" in it) which means deck shoots and a bubbler so the pool sounds like fountain -- and I did recall the first time, after the pool was done, and I bought a lounge chair and table and sat next to the pool with my cig (sorry still smoke) and a drink and reclined back and immediately thought "jeepers, I could live here!" and then laughed because ha! I do live here. How about that?

OK -- so the "safe place" is the pool.  Then my therapist said I needed a "container" like a box or basket or bucket or garbage can where I can put "stressful emotions" into --- and I say, "Do I have bring a box, bucket, garbage can or picnic basket to my session or--- what?"  Oh no, this is just an imaginary box/basket etc....

All righty --- I imagine myself running from the room to the "safe" ladies room with a picnic basket full of bad memories.... yikes!

I am not sure about this --- but our first session is scheduled next Thursday....

Meanwhile, tick tock, tick tock --  Bob's death anniversary is May 28th -- and I feel like it was just yesterday -- and am back to puking in the morning, pulling down the shades, wanting to hide/drink/dissolve into nothingness.

I have invited some friends over on May 28 --- so I won't be alone -- but now I'm wondering if I've bitten off more than I can chew..... cause really, I just want to crawl under the bed and hide.... and now I'm committed to making dinner for 6 (count em) people, plus cleaning up the house, getting everything ready and .... yikes -- what have I done?!

I will keep you posted --- thanks for listening/reading

Comments & a New Therapy

I just wanted to write a quick post thanking all of those of you left so many uplifting, sweet comments lately. It certainly helps me through tough days. And a special thanks to two new readers for your comments -- Vindi and another reader who is starting a blog of their own about caregiving -- unfortunately I could not find your blog and would love it if you can send me a direct link!

Also -- to the reader who suggested I get Kona certified as a Service Dog --- you can see (by the picture below) she is! I have a diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and also PTSD. I take Kona everywhere, to the grocery store, the mall, therapy appointments, restaurants, antiquing, everywhere! And she is a godsend.  (Though my car is full of dog hair! ha!) Don't know what I'd have done without her by my side.  And it's terrible that so many charity agencies who provide service dogs (at no cost) have very long waiting lists, but I was lucky enough to be able to afford the training on my own......

In other news, my therapist is getting her certification for a "new" type of therapy for PTSD and anxiety disorders -- it's called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). This therapy is really not so new -- been around since 1987, but is just gaining acceptance by the medical field.  I have an appointment with her tomorrow and I do want to try this -- so I will keep you posted on the results (if any).

thanks again, everyone.  It's still a day at a time here --- seems grief never takes a vacation...

A Tribute to Louise

I'm sure you remember Louise -- my duck, who brought me so much happiest before she (and her new family) moved on...

I found a vintage cement duck (for the cement pond!) to mark her nest as I will never forget her and her sweet ducklings, a beautiful gift to me at a very hard time in my life....and always remember that Bob is watching over me.

Meanwhile, it is now May, marking 2 years without Bob on the 28th....  Having a hard time with, but trying my best.....