Midnight Swim

 Some nights, I just dive into the pool after midnight. It is quiet and I turn the pool light on, also the solar lights are shining in the garden and the pool light makes the water glow... it's beautiful.

And the neighborhood is quiet.

And it's just me and the water.  I just dive and swim and dive and swim and dive and swim, over and over and look up at the stars and see the whole universe up there in the stars and know that Bob is "up there" somewhere

and somehow hope to be reborn.... and find him...

and I keep diving and swimming...

and this is grief in action

Eyes

Each of my EMDR sessions begins with the therapist reading this:

"Old disturbing memories can be stored in the brain in isolation, they get locked into the nervous system with the original images, sounds, thoughts and feelings involved. The old distressing material just keeps getting triggered over and over again. This prevents learning/healing from taking place. In another part of your brain, you already have most of the information you need to resolve this problem, the two just cannot connect. Once EMDR starts, a linking takes place. New information can come to mind and resolve the old problems. This may be what happens spontaneously in REM or dream sleep when eye movements help to process unconscious material"

Then our session starts, the therapist tells me to "step back" and envision the scene of finding Bob on the morning of May 28th. To watch this "scene" as a spectator instead of a participant. Which is often hard to do -- then she stops me or I stop her, and we discuss what's going through my mind.

This last session was especially hard because everything came up, starting with the "men in black" from the funeral home who were cold and impersonal, just, you know doing their jobs, and left Bob's wedding ring and watch on the nightstand without telling me, and I would find them after they took Bob away.

And that led to the very sympathetic people who picked up Boomer after he died, who actually hugged me, asked me if I wanted Boomer's collar and called the next day asking me if I needed support through one of their "pet grief" counselors...

And that led me to talking about Zenith's death, then Chris...

And we started EMDR again and all I could see were eyes.

Bob's beautiful blue eyes, wide open, staring blankly at the ceiling on that horrible morning.
Boomer's deep brown eyes rimmed in black and staring blankly at me as they carried him off in a cart.
Zenith's blue eyes, scared, staring at me, still alive, when I left her at the vet hospital and told her, "don't worry, Mommy will come back for you" but where she would later die.
Chris' unopened eyes -- in a coma when I last saw her.
Even One Fish -- one dead fish eye staring sideways at me.

Dead eyes.
Moving like a slideshow.
One after another after another after another... to the tune of the therapist's finger movements.

Bob's eyes, Boomer's, Zenith's, Chris', the fish.... over and over and over and over again and again...

I had to stop session.

And my therapist said it would be good to write about the eyes.... So here I am.

They say the eyes are the window of the soul. When I think of these eyes, I know, I know that it is the truth....

Then, the strangest thing happened, when I took out my checkbook at the end of my session to write a check for my session, I found a blue pen in my purse which I did not recognize, so I looked at it and saw the name of the funeral parlor on the pen which cremated Bob, Zenith and Boomer --- and my therapist looked at me and said, "What's wrong?" and I showed her the pen and she said, "Well, that's definitely a sign that someone is watching over you."

Still not sure how that pen got into my purse.

One Fish -- RIP

When Chris went into the hospital in Dec. 2015, she asked me to take care of her two Betta fish. I am not a "fish person" but agreed thinking it was a temporary situation, and didn't know the names of the fish so I called them "One Fish" and "Two Fish" after, you know, Dr. Seuss One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. As one was red (on the fins) and the other bluish green....

Anyway, you know Chris died a year ago in June.

I have had One Fish and Two Fish since --- and they became a part of my little family. Daily rituals. Feed Kona, feed Ripley, feed fish... you know routine.

This a.m. found One Fish dead..... waited awhile to make sure... by afternoon still not moving, sort curled on the bottom on the aquarium -- gently scooped him/her up -- no movement, no response, so after making sure --- buried him/her by Zenith and Boomer's ashes in the back yard.

This shouldn't bother me so much, but I have been in and out of tears all afternoon -- I mean, jeepers, it's just a fish -- and I am not even a "fish person"....

But part of Chris went with that fish.

Now I am worried about "Two Fish", who is acting strangely out of character -- do fish grieve? They were not in the same aquarium as you can't put two Bettas together as they will fight. But they did live next door to each other....

And I am just rambling about silly fish... No not "silly" fish --  Chris's fish... which I weirdly gotten attached too...

Tomorrow another EMDR therapy appointment -- don't know if I am ready.....

One Stressful Week

So this week ends with a bang -- my computer was hacked! I don't know how it happened, but on and off all week when I tried to send an e-mail or post something, my computer would redirect to strange websites telling me that my Mac was infected and to call 1-888 numbers to talk to "an expert" at Apple Support but the phone numbers did not match the phone that I have for Apple Support and first I just ignored it as some phishing type of scam until yesterday I couldn't access anything on my computer at all! And finally called the "real" Apple Support phone number and ended up on the phone with the "real" Tech, who told me that yes, indeed, these "pop up" windows were a scam.

After about an hour of doing this and that, with the Tech "sharing" my screen and finding strange things like "wormhole" and "Megabug" on my "activities pages", and trying to delete them, some successfully, some which would not budge, the Support Tech suggested downloading a software program that took nearly five hours to download, and while that was downloading, he told me there was a concern that I might lose everything on my computer.

Jeepers!

So here I am frantically trying to move documents and photos onto flash drives and I am up until 3 a.m. last night....

I was going to blog about having Reiki therapy yesterday, which my therapist suggested instead of another EMDR session. She suggested this because I was pretty much a nervous wreck when I walked in -- having had a bad week with Kona being sick (she is better now) and experiencing a couple of dissociative incidents, plumbing issues and going through a really severe thunderstorm Wednesday evening that left me shaking and crying as thunder and lightening boomed and flashed around the house, and me alone hugging the cat and dog, missing Bob so much -- and well, just being stressed and sad and grief stricken...

Now, I've heard of Reiki but never had done it or even seen it done, but was ready try anything. The experience was interesting, the therapist holds her hands over and sometimes on different parts of your body, starting at your head and working down ending with your feet, the idea is to transfer "positive energy" and remove "negative energy" and while doing this, the lights are turned down and very relaxing music is playing the background. I found myself feeling quite calm and relaxed after the therapy.

Then I come home to blog and nothing is working on my computer! aargh! So much for "calm and relaxation". I was up all night waiting for new software to install. At midnight, when the thing was reading it had one more hour to go, I decided to go for a midnight swim.

And am so relieved that my computer is working perfectly this morning and I have not lost any files... phew!

Kona's Birthday - 6 years old!

I fostered/adopted her 6/25/15 and this picture is of her with her former owner -- she was almost 4 years old,  91 lbs and look at those nails! She was used as a breeding dog, for a "backyard puppy mill" and got no exercise and didn't even know "sit" --

Her first day home with me  ---

Then training, exercise, proper diet, down to 75 lbs. where she should be --

Now one happy damn dog!

I "rescued" her from
the FL Labrador Retriever Rescue Society --- but I must ask, truthfully, who rescued who?

Don't know how I could have made it without her -- she is now certified/licensed/registered service dog -- for me
Happy Birthday, Kona!
And yes, she got a Doggie Ice Cream Sunday at the Dairy Inn and lots of tennis balls and treats!