Most of you know I've been suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD symptoms since Bob's death. One of the hardest things for me has been driving -- which seems so incredibly stupid since I've driven since I was 16 years old and of course after Bob's stroke was the only driver in the family.
I've always considered myself a "good" driver -- maybe with the exception of parallel parking (ha!) but since Bob's death I am white knuckled behind the steering wheel and pretty much the only thing that calms me down is having the dog with me. So I take her everywhere, grocery store, pharmacy, mall -- you name it. Unless a friend picks me up, I am never in a car alone without Kona.
So it was a BIG step for me to take the car in to be buffed out (after I scratched the crap out of it after Hurricane Irma) and I decided I needed to go it alone, thinking Kona might be in the way of the guy who was doing the buffing, and knew the guy (Chuck) as he had helped board up the house, but I did not know what the "setup" at his house would be and was worried what to do with the dog while he was working on the car. So I did it. Googled driving directions and set out on my own, telling myself it was only 6.1 miles, taking the route less travelled and telling myself, over and over, "you can do this, Diane" but still was scared shitless all the way there -- but once the job was finished and done (beautifully I must add), I drove home much calmer and even fist pumped the air when I got home, i.e. "I DID IT!!! WHOO-HOO!"
I shared my "triumph" with my therapist who suggested I might try this occasionally, short trips, where I would be meeting someone I knew and start getting more comfortable driving alone in "baby steps".
Then, a few days later, I came home and while backing the car into my parking spot, slammed the back end of my car right into my neighbor's fence.
jeepers
And this damage can't be "buffed out" -- paint scraped off down the metal. Neighbor was fortunately very nice when I told him what happened and though I offered to pay for the damage to his fence, he said "don't worry about it."
And now I'm back to white knuckled, clutching the steering wheel, freaking out while driving, even, sometimes with the dog in the car....
Will I ever feel normal again? geez
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Saturday, November 4, 2017
EFT
I hate to say it's been a very stressful week for me with Halloween and my birthday and throw some other emotional junk on top of that and add another "dissociative episode" that left me pretty shook up. At my Thursday therapy session, we started, as always, just reviewing my week and I told her about my week including the derealization episode and she asked me to describe exactly how I 'feel' when this happens to me.
It's hard to put into words. But it's sort like I'm stepping out of myself, or behind myself, and wondering where I am and how I got there -- this was in the middle of an afternoon matinee concert -- and I start thinking who are all these people? and I don't belong here, and this isn't real as if I've stepped into someone else's life or a scene in a movie --then I start shaking uncontrollably and have the sudden urge to flee. It's really an awful feeling sort of like falling into a parallel universe and I am frantic to find my way to the "real universe" where Bob is waiting for me. I really had to flee -- leaving at intermission. I couldn't calm down until I got home and hugged Kona. Anyway, because I was still pretty shook up from the event, instead of doing EMDR, my therapist suggested we try EFT to calm my nerves.
EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Tapping, though some call it Emotional Finger Tapping. It's quite interesting and if you never heard of it, here's a brief video explaining how it works:
So we did EFT using the phrase "Even though I feel stressed and anxious, I know that I am OK and nothing bad will happen." The therapist would say the sentence and have me repeat it after her as she tapped on her pressure points and I tapped on mine. She changed it up a few times to "Even though I feel shaky and my heart is racing etc." or "even though my palms are sweaty and chest feels tight" and after repeating this exercise about four times, I was surprised to find tears running down my cheeks.
And I said, "I don't even know why I'm crying."
She said, "It's one way your body relieves stress."
And I did feel calmer afterwards.
It's hard to put into words. But it's sort like I'm stepping out of myself, or behind myself, and wondering where I am and how I got there -- this was in the middle of an afternoon matinee concert -- and I start thinking who are all these people? and I don't belong here, and this isn't real as if I've stepped into someone else's life or a scene in a movie --then I start shaking uncontrollably and have the sudden urge to flee. It's really an awful feeling sort of like falling into a parallel universe and I am frantic to find my way to the "real universe" where Bob is waiting for me. I really had to flee -- leaving at intermission. I couldn't calm down until I got home and hugged Kona. Anyway, because I was still pretty shook up from the event, instead of doing EMDR, my therapist suggested we try EFT to calm my nerves.
EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Tapping, though some call it Emotional Finger Tapping. It's quite interesting and if you never heard of it, here's a brief video explaining how it works:
So we did EFT using the phrase "Even though I feel stressed and anxious, I know that I am OK and nothing bad will happen." The therapist would say the sentence and have me repeat it after her as she tapped on her pressure points and I tapped on mine. She changed it up a few times to "Even though I feel shaky and my heart is racing etc." or "even though my palms are sweaty and chest feels tight" and after repeating this exercise about four times, I was surprised to find tears running down my cheeks.
And I said, "I don't even know why I'm crying."
She said, "It's one way your body relieves stress."
And I did feel calmer afterwards.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
First Halloween Alone
Been dreading this day, I used to love Halloween -- in those golden years, Bob and I would sit on the front porch and hand out candy, we barely got a handful of kids but we still loved doing it and Bob loved decorating the house. However this neighborhood goes "crazy" on Halloween. I mean last year we had around 400 trick-or-treaters, I did you not (they actually "bus them in") and it's really hard to handle alone.
Last year, I invited a neighbor to help out, and we sat on porch, drinking beer, handing out treats. It was a lot of fun. There were so many kids, they keep coming -- and without help, there's no time for even a bathroom break! Unfortunately, that neighbor has since moved to Orlando.
The year before, Chris helped out. And of course, now she's gone....
I just can't imagine doing this all by myself.
So, I'm locking gate. Turning off the lights. Pulling down the shades. And trying ignore the whole thing..... kind of sad, but as Bob would've said "oh well".
Tomorrow is my birthday and for the first time ever, I will be older than him. Hard to put my head around that... doesn't seem right.
Anyway, Happy Halloween everyone!
Last year, I invited a neighbor to help out, and we sat on porch, drinking beer, handing out treats. It was a lot of fun. There were so many kids, they keep coming -- and without help, there's no time for even a bathroom break! Unfortunately, that neighbor has since moved to Orlando.
The year before, Chris helped out. And of course, now she's gone....
I just can't imagine doing this all by myself.
So, I'm locking gate. Turning off the lights. Pulling down the shades. And trying ignore the whole thing..... kind of sad, but as Bob would've said "oh well".
Tomorrow is my birthday and for the first time ever, I will be older than him. Hard to put my head around that... doesn't seem right.
Anyway, Happy Halloween everyone!
Thursday, October 26, 2017
My Guest Post now "Live"
You can now read my guest post published by My Therapy (website is "mytherapyapp.com") Just click on the following link: https://www.mytherapyapp.com/blog/world-stroke-day-caregiving !
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
World Stroke Day is Oct. 29th
Sorry, my blog has been quiet as I have been busy writing a "guest post" for an international website for World Stroke Day.
It is quite an honor to be asked to share my insights on at-home caregiving for a stroke survivor. Also surprising to be contacted by a man in Munich Germany, who had found my blog and called it "touching" and a "beautiful tribute" to Bob.
It was a good project for me, to sit down (with a deadline) and do some serious writing. Also brought up some painful memories, along with some wonderful memories, and the process sort sent me into an emotional spin down memory lane and once again, missing Bob so very much.
I will definitely keep you all posted -- and as soon as my guest post is published, will include a link here for my readers.
Meanwhile, I am still doing the EMDR therapy and trying my best to get through this long grief journey.
Thanks for understanding the silence....
It is quite an honor to be asked to share my insights on at-home caregiving for a stroke survivor. Also surprising to be contacted by a man in Munich Germany, who had found my blog and called it "touching" and a "beautiful tribute" to Bob.
It was a good project for me, to sit down (with a deadline) and do some serious writing. Also brought up some painful memories, along with some wonderful memories, and the process sort sent me into an emotional spin down memory lane and once again, missing Bob so very much.
I will definitely keep you all posted -- and as soon as my guest post is published, will include a link here for my readers.
Meanwhile, I am still doing the EMDR therapy and trying my best to get through this long grief journey.
Thanks for understanding the silence....
Monday, September 25, 2017
Signs
So, on September 16th, our wedding anniversary, I had originally planned to attend a birthday party for my friend Hillary (whose birthday is Sept. 16th) and thought had myself "covered" with a plan for the day. Then two days before the 16th, I get a call and Hillary's party is cancelled. Shoot.
So that led me scrambling to make a new plan and I called two of my grief support group friends, fellow widows Linda and Candy who both said they would "be there for me" -- thank god! And also told me we could do "anything" I wanted to do that day.
Well, you know I broke the Buddha statue that I had purchased as memorial for Bob while preparing for Hurricane Irma. I broke it while taking into the garage for "safe keeping" but weirdly, as I was carrying the heavy concrete statue I turned the corner and saw the automatic garage door going down -- which was odd to say the least. So I had to set the Buddha on the ground, click the button to open the garage, and as I picked up the Buddha I panicked worrying the door might come back down on me, so sort of sprinted into the garage (too fast) tripped and fell. I didn't hurt myself. Buddha broke my fall. But the statue was smashed into a million pieces..... aargh
So I told my friends I wanted to go out and find another Buddha.
On the morning of Sept. 16th, I woke up early (or was it just a dream) but I woke up because I felt pressure around my shoulders and waist. I was lying on my side and looked down and saw (I swear) Bob's arms (complete with his watch) hugging me from behind and I heard him whisper in my ear, "Happy Anniversary, Sweets." I turned, so I could see his face, but he was gone. Disappeared. I sat up in bed. The clock read 6:00 a.m., the radio was on, the dog curled up at the bottom of the bed, and thought "am I dreaming this?" or "did this really happen?" but if it was just a dream, I certainly wanted to go back to it, so I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep not waking until 9:00 a.m.
Then when I went into the living room, where I have Bob's ashes and also his photo with his watch draped over the side, the photo was lying flat down, face up... and I could see no way that just this photo was disturbed and nothing on the table. Odd that.
Well, we went on the Buddha hunt and went to the place I bought the original Buddha -- but he had every single imaginable Buddha except, of course, the one I wanted which he had just sold that morning at 8:30 a.m. But the shop owner told me he could order me one and wrote down all the info he would need to order it on a business card, because I had told him that I had seen another Buddha at an antique mall and was going to check there first to see if it was still available.
So off we go the to antique mall, which is one of those huge antique malls, with winding aisles and little rooms to the sides and very easy to get lost in. No luck on the Buddha, but Candy had seen a couple tables she might be interested in for her new condo, so I was keeping my eye out for not only a Buddha but a small table and then I lost the girls -- and when I found them, they were talking with another customer, a man, who asking them questions that neither Candy or Linda could answer (not being antique collectors themselves) but me -- this is my field of expertise, so I asked him what he needed and basically he wanted to know if prices were "fixed" or you can make offer and I explained how antique malls work and being a former dealer myself, explained it would depend on some factors (like how long the dealer had the item, how much money that person made that month, etc. but also most dealers mark the prices a bit higher than they really want just to have some "haggling room"). I also explained he needed to get the Dealer code off the price tag as each little room, little area, was rented by a different dealer and he could take that info to the main desk and they could call the dealer from there to see if his offer was acceptable or not or countered.
Anyway, the customer then said he wasn't even sure if the piece was worth what he thought of offering and I said, "show me, I know thing or two about antiques" so I followed him to a drop front desk with a cabinet on top of it, but the bottom half had a different finish than the top so it looked like either someone stuck two pieces together that didn't originally go together -- that or someone started refinishing the piece and stopped for some reason. Told him I wouldn't buy it and he said he had another in mind and I followed him the next piece, similar to the first one, drop front desk with a cabinet but this was a reproduction. So I asked him if he wanted a real "antique" or not, because it was nice piece furniture and the price wasn't bad, but it was a reproduction. He explained that his wife loved antiques, he didn't care that much, but didn't want to disappoint her and then asked me how I knew it was a repro -- so I started opening doors, pointing out modern screws, pulled out drawers and pointed out particle board bottoms, etc.
So he had another yet in mind, and as I was following him to the next desk I passed a locked glass display cabinet in which were, among other things, two antique telephones from the 1920's, you know the heavy black desk phones, one of which looked a lot like the one Bob & I had and when I passed that display case, I swear I'm not making this up, one of the phones rang. And I stopped dead in my tracks.
My first thought was "that's an odd place to have a phone hooked up" -- then "maybe I just heard an echo from the front desk", or "maybe someone has a cell phone with an old fashion ring tone" (you know the ding-a-ling) and looked around but no one was near me. Then the phone rang again. The sound definitely coming from the display case. I looked closer and could see the wires for the phones were not hooked to anything. And, then, a pause, and it rang a third time, while I stood there dumbfounded. And then it stopped when the guy I was following came back to find me -- and I asked him if he had a heard a phone ring and he shook his head and looked at me like I was crazy. ha! But I'm not crazy, I heard that phone and that was Bob calling -- I only wish the cabinet hadn't been locked because I would have picked up the phone and answered it. But definitely, Bob was giving me a thumbs up from above, because you know antique shopping was something we would have done on our wedding anniversary....
Anyway, long story short (though this is quite a long post already), the customer showed me the last desk which was the real deal, ca 1900-1915, mission style quarter sawn oak, beautiful piece and I thought a good price esp. since that dealer was having a 30% off sale. But he was worried it might be "too small" for the space in his house so I gave him directions to a couple of antique malls that he might check out.
You know, I felt pretty proud of myself after that experience, because normally I would not have struck up a conversation with a total stranger and then proceed to follow him around sharing my antique knowledge.... I felt like myself again. Something I haven't felt like in a long time since Bob died....
So after stopping at a few more stores, not finding a Buddha, but having good friends with me and having a nice dinner afterwards, it turned out to be a good day all around. (And I ordered the Buddha -- should be here in a few weeks....)
So that led me scrambling to make a new plan and I called two of my grief support group friends, fellow widows Linda and Candy who both said they would "be there for me" -- thank god! And also told me we could do "anything" I wanted to do that day.
Well, you know I broke the Buddha statue that I had purchased as memorial for Bob while preparing for Hurricane Irma. I broke it while taking into the garage for "safe keeping" but weirdly, as I was carrying the heavy concrete statue I turned the corner and saw the automatic garage door going down -- which was odd to say the least. So I had to set the Buddha on the ground, click the button to open the garage, and as I picked up the Buddha I panicked worrying the door might come back down on me, so sort of sprinted into the garage (too fast) tripped and fell. I didn't hurt myself. Buddha broke my fall. But the statue was smashed into a million pieces..... aargh
So I told my friends I wanted to go out and find another Buddha.
On the morning of Sept. 16th, I woke up early (or was it just a dream) but I woke up because I felt pressure around my shoulders and waist. I was lying on my side and looked down and saw (I swear) Bob's arms (complete with his watch) hugging me from behind and I heard him whisper in my ear, "Happy Anniversary, Sweets." I turned, so I could see his face, but he was gone. Disappeared. I sat up in bed. The clock read 6:00 a.m., the radio was on, the dog curled up at the bottom of the bed, and thought "am I dreaming this?" or "did this really happen?" but if it was just a dream, I certainly wanted to go back to it, so I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep not waking until 9:00 a.m.
Then when I went into the living room, where I have Bob's ashes and also his photo with his watch draped over the side, the photo was lying flat down, face up... and I could see no way that just this photo was disturbed and nothing on the table. Odd that.
Well, we went on the Buddha hunt and went to the place I bought the original Buddha -- but he had every single imaginable Buddha except, of course, the one I wanted which he had just sold that morning at 8:30 a.m. But the shop owner told me he could order me one and wrote down all the info he would need to order it on a business card, because I had told him that I had seen another Buddha at an antique mall and was going to check there first to see if it was still available.
So off we go the to antique mall, which is one of those huge antique malls, with winding aisles and little rooms to the sides and very easy to get lost in. No luck on the Buddha, but Candy had seen a couple tables she might be interested in for her new condo, so I was keeping my eye out for not only a Buddha but a small table and then I lost the girls -- and when I found them, they were talking with another customer, a man, who asking them questions that neither Candy or Linda could answer (not being antique collectors themselves) but me -- this is my field of expertise, so I asked him what he needed and basically he wanted to know if prices were "fixed" or you can make offer and I explained how antique malls work and being a former dealer myself, explained it would depend on some factors (like how long the dealer had the item, how much money that person made that month, etc. but also most dealers mark the prices a bit higher than they really want just to have some "haggling room"). I also explained he needed to get the Dealer code off the price tag as each little room, little area, was rented by a different dealer and he could take that info to the main desk and they could call the dealer from there to see if his offer was acceptable or not or countered.
Anyway, the customer then said he wasn't even sure if the piece was worth what he thought of offering and I said, "show me, I know thing or two about antiques" so I followed him to a drop front desk with a cabinet on top of it, but the bottom half had a different finish than the top so it looked like either someone stuck two pieces together that didn't originally go together -- that or someone started refinishing the piece and stopped for some reason. Told him I wouldn't buy it and he said he had another in mind and I followed him the next piece, similar to the first one, drop front desk with a cabinet but this was a reproduction. So I asked him if he wanted a real "antique" or not, because it was nice piece furniture and the price wasn't bad, but it was a reproduction. He explained that his wife loved antiques, he didn't care that much, but didn't want to disappoint her and then asked me how I knew it was a repro -- so I started opening doors, pointing out modern screws, pulled out drawers and pointed out particle board bottoms, etc.
So he had another yet in mind, and as I was following him to the next desk I passed a locked glass display cabinet in which were, among other things, two antique telephones from the 1920's, you know the heavy black desk phones, one of which looked a lot like the one Bob & I had and when I passed that display case, I swear I'm not making this up, one of the phones rang. And I stopped dead in my tracks.
My first thought was "that's an odd place to have a phone hooked up" -- then "maybe I just heard an echo from the front desk", or "maybe someone has a cell phone with an old fashion ring tone" (you know the ding-a-ling) and looked around but no one was near me. Then the phone rang again. The sound definitely coming from the display case. I looked closer and could see the wires for the phones were not hooked to anything. And, then, a pause, and it rang a third time, while I stood there dumbfounded. And then it stopped when the guy I was following came back to find me -- and I asked him if he had a heard a phone ring and he shook his head and looked at me like I was crazy. ha! But I'm not crazy, I heard that phone and that was Bob calling -- I only wish the cabinet hadn't been locked because I would have picked up the phone and answered it. But definitely, Bob was giving me a thumbs up from above, because you know antique shopping was something we would have done on our wedding anniversary....
Anyway, long story short (though this is quite a long post already), the customer showed me the last desk which was the real deal, ca 1900-1915, mission style quarter sawn oak, beautiful piece and I thought a good price esp. since that dealer was having a 30% off sale. But he was worried it might be "too small" for the space in his house so I gave him directions to a couple of antique malls that he might check out.
You know, I felt pretty proud of myself after that experience, because normally I would not have struck up a conversation with a total stranger and then proceed to follow him around sharing my antique knowledge.... I felt like myself again. Something I haven't felt like in a long time since Bob died....
So after stopping at a few more stores, not finding a Buddha, but having good friends with me and having a nice dinner afterwards, it turned out to be a good day all around. (And I ordered the Buddha -- should be here in a few weeks....)
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