The Plumber and The Bowel Movement, A (sort of) Christmas Story

'Twas the week before Christmas

I stepped through the bathroom door

And saw the toilet was leaking

All over the floor.

So I flew to the kitchen

And grabbed the phone book

And called up a plumber

To come take a look.

The plumber arrived,

He was no jolly elf,

He plunked down his tool box

On top of my shelf.

He got down on his knees

Right there on the floor

And examined the toilet

For five minutes or more.

"Ah ha!" He exclaimed,

"This thing-a-bob is busted!

These gaskets are cracked!

And the screws are all rusted!"

"And this little gizmo

It needs some tweaking

If I fix all of that

It will surely stop leaking."

"The good news," he said,

"I can fix it in a flash,

The bad news: it will cost you

Three hundred cash."

Jeepers, oh lordy,

Good grief and oh my!

But I told him to fix it,

Though I thought I might cry.

Then from the other room,

I heard a big clatter,

And went over to Bob

To see what was the matter.

 And there to my horror,

Quite literally, Oh shit!

I grabbed my latex gloves

And my clean-up-Bob kit.

Now this was embarrassing

With a plumber in the house.

So I cleaned him up quietly

As quiet as a mouse.

Then from the hallway,

I heard the bathroom door close,

And when the plumber came out

He was holding his nose.

I stood there before him

in all my poop-smeared glory

I'm sure that the scene

was really quite gory.

He said, "I don't know how you do it,

I don't think I could.

My wife couldn't do it,

Though I hope that she would."

  

Then I scooped up the mess,

And took it out to the trash

The plumber handed me an invoice

That read: 250 cash.

I thanked him that dear plumber,

I thanked him again

And got out my checkbook

And picked up my pen

Then he said, "What the heck,

It’s the Holiday Season,

Make out that check

For 200 even."

So I started to write,

But he stopped me again,

And said, "Just give me 150"

And I put down my pen.

And hugged that dear plumber

I hugged him profusely,

I hugged him real tightly

Then I hugged him quite loosely

He got into this truck

And as he drove away

And I heard him proclaim

“Have a Happy Holiday!”

So if you need plumber

But the price needs improvement

Just invite Bob over

To have a bowel movement.

The End

That, my friends, is a true story.

Merry Christmas from all of us at The Pink House on the Corner!