The Widow's Tree

I recently joined an online forum called "Widowed Village" and although I don't go "on" the forum much, the one nice thing is that the administrators "connect" you with a "pen pal" who is someone about your age, your gender and has been bereaved about the same amount of time.

My pen pal is a widow on the West Coast. She sent me this picture of "The Widow's Tree" near Seattle.

So called, as it is missing a large piece of it's heart...

Just thought I'd share it here....

Don't Even Know Where to Begin....

Bob and Uncle Dick

I guess start with today, sad news, Bob's beloved Uncle Dick passed away.... if you have been following this blog you know that the only relatives of Bob's who truly supported Bob & me when we married were his Aunt Mary and Uncle Dick, and they regularly visited (when Bob was well) and kept on visiting post-stroke and called often and Bob always said he wished they were his parents -- Bob truly loved them and vis-versa...

During his childhood, Bob would spend summers with his Aunt and Uncle, Aunt Mary told me they did this because Bob was the only boy in his family and wasn't allowed "to be a boy" and everything was about the girls (his sisters). Aunt Mary and Uncle Dick had the "let boys be boys" mentality and Bob would tell me about happy summers spent with his cousin Mark digging up the back yard, building forts, "digging a hole to China" and how once the dog fell in and had to be rescued and how Uncle Dick would make breakfast in the morning but I guess he wasn't a great cook because he served "awfuls" and "french crud" (waffles and french toast) and that was an ongoing joke...

And when Bob's aunt and uncle visited us, Uncle Dick used to love "porch sittin' time" which was a phrase Bob & I used for the time of day, after work, when we would sit on the front porch and talk. Dick would always say, when he called, "We're coming down for some porch sittin' time"!" and when I talked with his son, Mark, today, to offer my condolences he told me that his dad often spoke of us and how much he loved our visits and especially talked about "porch sittin' time" to the point that Mark requested the ALS where Dick spent his last months install a park bench outside in the backyard so that his father could go outside for "porch sittin' time" and they did it, and Mark said he would say to his father, "Dad, you want to go outside for some porch sittin' time?" and his father's response was always "Hell, yes!"

And I tell you, I have been crying, off and and on, all day, missing this wonderful man and remembering happy memories.  And I want to believe that Bob and Uncle Dick are on the "other side" eating "awfuls and french crud" and having some good old fashion "porch sittin' time"...  

PS: other crap going on here, been a busy, stressful few days ---  I'll catch you up later...

Creepy Computer Scams..

So, for the last couple of months I kept getting calls from "Invalid Caller" which I didn't pick up, when I was home, and no messages were ever left. Then I kept getting these calls from Invalid Caller  #1-209-172-6778-- first once a day, then twice a day then sometimes 3-4 times a day, I wasn't picking up even when home, no message left -- but damn irritating, the phone ringing so many times --  finally the other day, I was standing in the kitchen right by the phone and it rang and the Caller ID was that Invalid Caller number I recognized, as the one calling me constantly, so I picked up the phone hoping to just put an end to this...

So, I say "Hello" and there's this guy with an Indian accent, I mean East India or maybe Iran or whatever, but speaking English with a strong accent, and he says he is calling about my computer tech company. And I ask him what is the name of your company -- and he sorta says something very quick like PCTech something and says we've noticed you have slow internet connection and are getting many "error messages"...

And I say "No."

And he says, well, you do not see it, but we do. And then he wants me to go onto my computer and login... And I am sensing SCAM big time and probably should have just hung up, but I didn't and instead I said, oh? and what kind of computer do I have?

He says "Microsoft"

I say, "Sorry - I have a Macintosh" so you got the wrong person.

He says, "Macintosh is just the hardware, Microsoft is your software, and that is the problem."

And I say, "Sorry, Macintosh has it's own software. I don't have Microsoft."

And he says, "No, you are wrong."

So I tell this dude "Sorry, this is a scam."

And he says, "Well, you are an idiot."

And I say, "What?'

And then he is screaming at me, "You are STUPID AND AND IDIOT"

And I say, "What?'

And he repeats that I am "stupid" and an "idiot",  and then he says, "or maybe you just having a bad day?"

And I say, I don't why I say this, but I say, "Well, every day has been bad day since my husband died."

And then he screams at me "YOU KILLED YOUR HUSBAND!"

And I say "what did you say?"

And he says, "You killed your husband because you are stupid and an idiot."

And I tell you, I am angry, freaking, mad and I yell into the phone "DON'T EVER CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN AND FUCK YOU!" and I hang up.

Still shaking, can't believe it. But shaking because I have been dealing with a lot guilt - i.e. should I have forced Bob to go to the hospital the night before he died? Would that had made any difference? And did I make a wrong decision by following Bob's wishes to NOT go the hospital that night?

I tried to call the phone number back, to make a complaint. Just got a message from Verizon that it was an "invalid phone number",  so could not call back and a friend helped me figure out to block calls from that caller ID which I did...

But still --

And another one....

Today I got another call from the newspaper -- hello?  They want to offer Robert a special offer -- reduced subscription price..... how many times does a person have to tell a company that someone is deceased????  grrrrr

Phone messages from the dead....

OK, so today Kona and I were in the pool and when we came in, I noticed my answering machine blinking  - so after I showered, dried off, etc. I pushed the button on the answering machine to get my messages.

My phone talks (ha! new technology) and said "You have 2 new messages." and I hit play, and got one message from Walgreens (automated) that my prescription was ready for pick up, and then a second message that went like this:  (2nd Message, 2:55 pm)

"Hey Di! It's, (pause) Arline Rogers. Talk to you later." Click.

Then a 3rd message from my mom, saying "call us back."

OK -- back up here, that's 3 messages not two and --- Arline Rogers? That is my dear friend, Chris,  who is dead -- that's her legal name spelled "Arline" pronounced : Arleen, she always hated it and went by Chris, in fact few people knew her real legal name. The message pronounced it "Arlean" as it was pronounced. Then...

No one calls me "Di" well hardly anyone, some people started calling me "Di" after Lady Di -- Princess Diana -- but everyone knows I hate it -- and Chris would tease me with a "Hey Di!" all the time cause she knew it got my goat so to speak....

I go back and listen again,  still to that same message "Hey Di!.. It's Arline Rogers. Talk to you later."  Listened to it six, seven, eight + times --- still the same message, though the voice is sort of soft and hard to hear.  I had to put my ear on the phone to hear it clearly...

I have caller ID and it tells me who called and what time and I scroll through that, and all I have for today is my mother and Walgreens, and nothing at 2:55 p.m. when this call came in from Chris or "Arline"---  no "unknown caller" or "out of area" caller nor any other caller at all today. Just my mom and dad's phone # and Walgreens.

Anyone ever got a phone message from a dead person? Am I going crazy? Truth be told, I am freaking out -- and the message -- it's still on my machine... but what does it mean?

Dead Men Don't Read Newspapers

For years Bob & I had a subscription to our local newspaper. Pre-stroke, he read the paper, front to back and loved doing the crosswords, often taking them to work to have something to do when business was slow. I loved the Arts & Literature sections, read the headline news and clipped coupons as we were always on a tight budget.

Post-stroke, Bob could no long read or do crosswords, so I changed our subscription to "Sunday only" as I could still get the coupons and, heck, it took me a full week just to read one newspaper in-between caregiving.

After Bob's death, I found I just did not have the concentration to even read the newspaper at all. And the few times I clipped some coupons, I usually ended up losing them or leaving them on the countertop when I went to the store. So I didn't renew the subscription.

And then calls kept coming and coming, and each time I explained that my husband had died and no longer wanted the subscription, yet still the calls kept coming and coming, almost daily, and I kept telling them my husband died, but the calls didn't stop to the point where a sales rep offered me a deal, $52.00 for a year, Sunday only, and I decided to take it just to stop the damn constant calls.

Imagine my shock, when the bill arrived, addressed to Bob or should I say "Robert" ... after how many, many times I told them he was dead. It really pissed me off... but I paid it thinking, well, maybe I'll will start reading it again.

So the paper has been coming every Sunday, and but all this time, I haven't read it once, and a year has passed, and it's just ended up in the recycle bin and so when I got the renewal notice in the mail addressed to "Robert", I knew what it was and didn't even bother to open it, just wrote on the envelope "Deceased, Return to Sender" and sent it back.

Immediately, the Sunday paper no longer showed up. And I thought, good. That's the end of that.

Then the calls started again -- jeepers! and at first I ignored them, actually was not sure who the number was from on my caller ID, thinking it was a telemarketer or another political robot call or survey -- but every day the same number called and finally tonight, out of frustration, picked up the phone and it was a newspaper rep telling me he "noticed" our delivery was stopped and I told him that's because my husband had died. And then he says, "Well, let me get you guys back on the plan..." and I'm thinking "you guys? didn't you just hear me? He's dead!" So I stopped him mid-sentence and said, "Excuse me, but my husband is dead and DEAD PEOPLE DON'T READ NEWSPAPERS!"

His response was "Oh!" (long pause) then "sorry. I'll make a note."

Let's see if that will work..... aargh! What's a widow to do?