Recently there was a short piece on our local news, a story about a man in a wheelchair who at a local grocery store trying to balance, on his lap, a cake, a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne. When a younger man, behind him, helped this man in the wheelchair put his items on the counter to check out, he commented that it looked like the man was off to a celebration. And the man in the wheelchair told him it was his wedding anniversary, and that even though his wife had passed away five years ago, he still honored the day the way they always had, buying her flowers, a cake and toasting each other with champagne. Then the older man asked the younger man if he wanted to join his anniversary celebration, and he did, and widower not only honored his wife but made a new friend.
I love that story.
And I think it's strange that anyone would think it wrong to celebrate one's wedding anniversary just because their spouse is "in spirit" doesn't mean their spouse is no longer in this world and with us, just in another form. And a relationship can continue, after death, and to those who do not believe this, I highly recommend a few books:
The Afterlife Revolution
by Whitley & Anne Streiber
(and Anne co-wrote this book with her husband after her death)
Love Never Dies
by Dr. Jamie Turndorf
(a book about how she was able to continue her relationship with her husband, talk with him, be with him, in spirit, soul-to-soul, after his death)
Bridging Two Realms: Learn to Communicate With Your Loved Ones on the Other Side
by John Holland
And though Bob and I may not be married "in the eyes of the law", we are still married in spirit. Many of my widow friends feel the same, others do not, but we do not force our own opinions on others. And often we get together on a wedding anniversary, or a death anniversary, or a birthday of a spouse, we do this to offer emotional support but also to celebrate the life of the one we loved and still love.
I see nothing wrong with that.
Yesterday, I went "antiquing" with two friends, a tradition that Bob & I used to do on wedding anniversaries. It felt good to continue the tradition. I think, I only cried once yesterday, later in the evening...
By the way, Bob is still with me and says, "Hello" to you all. His voice never sounded better.
And now I can hear everyone thinking "Jeepers, she's gone off the deep end!" Yikes!
5 comments:
Hello Diane! After reading this blog entry, I feel it necessary to sincerely apologize that the comments I shared annoyed you. I sensed not only annoyance but a touch of sarcasm in your reply. I'd like to respond to a couple things I feel were misinterpreted & then I'll make no further comments on your blog. Firstly, I never said or implied 'it' or 'you' were wrong to see your anniversary as special or to celebrate it. The point I was attempting to make was: that to others (family, friends, blog readers, etc) who know or are reminded that it's your anniversary it's awkward to 'know' what is the right thing to say (as Denise pointed out). For you, "happy anniversary" would have been just fine, but to someone else, perhaps not. It depends on the person and where they are emotionally at that time. So it had NOTHING to do with feeling you were wrong in mentioning or celebrating your day.
Secondly, I am a firm believer that love is all we take with us when we die, so is it my belief that relationships continue after death? Yes ma'am - ABSOLUTELY!
Thirdly, I'm surprised to see that you felt I was 'forcing' my opinion on you. I did in fact 'share' my opinion, on your blog where you love comments. I guess I see it like this: "Sharing" means the recipients have a choice to listen to/accept the comment. "Forcing" means that choice has been taken away. I don't believe I forced anything & am truly sorry you feel to the contrary.
In closing, I'm very pleased and sincerely happy that you enjoyed your special day! I also feel traditions are very important in our lives. My regards to Bob, sounds as if he's in good spirits.
I'll keep you in my prayers Diane, but will remain quiet otherwise. I've no desire to upset you, I apologize once again that my comments were taken out of context/misinterpreted, I meant no harm. May God richly bless you! :-)
Vindi, please don't think this post was directed at you personally, as I've had so many people making comments to me that I "need to move on", "get on with my life", "be happy", and "wouldn't Bob want you 'happy'?" and I am very tried of it. So please don't take this post personally. I guess your comment triggered it all. It seems, in fact, I can't even bring up his name sometimes without someone jumping on me.
Even my shrink (not my therapist), last week, after I came to my 3 month appt., in a very good, "happy" mood, if you will, because I'd some good news that morning regarding a roof repair which I thought would cost much more -- and I was excited to share some projects that I have been beginning to work on, one of which is to publish a children's book that Bob & I did together (a long time ago, pre-stroke) (me writing, he illustrating) and have contacted and have appointment with a graphic designer to help me with the technical aspects of doing this, and the other to publish a book of Bob's post-stroke drawings -- and I thought my shrink would be "happy" about this, but she said, "Diane, wouldn't Bob want you to be happy?"
To which I said, "Do I look unhappy?" I was floored. As if "honoring" Bob and his work is something "unhappy" --- no it's privilege to bring his work out to "the world" and I think it's something he would want me to do and I certainly want to do... and besides the children's book is my work too, with his illustrations and I am proud of it.
So, sorry Vindi, this wasn't about your comment, just sometimes seems everyone is coming down on me -- I'm tried of it, as if there is some "happy switch" that I'm supposed to "click on" and "move on" just to make everyone comfortable.
Please don't stop reading or commenting. I do appreciate all comments (except the occasional death threat!) And if I don't like a comment, you will know because I'll delete it. ha! And hopefully in the near future I will have some "good news" on this blog about publishing some of Bob's works, and I am still working on that memoir.. .
So I'm not sitting around dwelling in grief, though I do talk to Bob everyday. I will continue to honor our anniversary and his birthday and other occasions, and I am in a place now where I much more remember the precious times we shared and feel blessed to have had Bob in my life and still in my life, in spirit.
So my apology to you, also, it wasn't meant to be personal. Just needed to get some junk of my chest -- Bless you too.
Absolutely beautiful
Happy Anniversary! Sorry this greeting is arriving late. I can see how it would be annoying for people to tell you you "need to move on" or to constantly say that Bob would want you to be happy. Of course, you know that already but it doesn't mean you can turn your mood on and off like a switch, as you said. Strange that your psychiatrist didn't share more in your happiness; you would think she would encourage any happiness you may feel. I look forward to hearing more about the children's book, and definitely would read your memoir. Memoirs are pretty much the only kind of book I read. Why would I want to read made-up stories when there are so many interesting real-life ones out there? :) I know most people don't feel this way about reading but...
Although I don't know Vindi, I did get the impression he or she was really trying, and glad to hear that there was some clarification and no hard feelings. :)
Sounds like you're doing a bit better -- have a great autumn!!
Lynne
I see nothing wrong with celebrating life events with your spouse. Your antiquing jaunt sounded wonderful. I know I've said move on. Speaking as a widow too, You have. You aren't moping around the house. You are getting on with your life.~ Jo
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