Back in the Saddle

I will admit that September was a rough month for me. First my sister's death anniversary, a grim reminder of how short life can be. Then our wedding anniversary, and on that day, it rained and rained and I wasn't able to get out to do the thing I wanted, which was walking around the lake with Kona... I was in a dark place.

The Harvest Moon was in late September. I heard about it on the morning weather and that night, I wanted to go out and see it. Unfortunately, it was raining, hard. No view of the moon from the front porch, so I went to the back porch. Nothing to see, but rain. I thought if I stepped out into the yard perhaps I could see the moon, but it might be obscured by clouds and I would certainly get drenched.

I sat down. Thinking about the rain, how much Bob loved a rainy night. Thinking about my sister, what legacy did she leave behind? Two children, yes, but her whole life seemed to be broken down into things: her house, her belongings and the greed I saw of some who came like vultures circling her "remains" and it all seemed so sad... I still wanted to see the moon, but the rain was unceasing. And I thought, well, I'll get wet. Then thought, call me crazy, but I have a high privacy fence and I glanced toward the neighbors and saw no lights on, so I went inside, striped off my clothes, wrapped myself in a bath towel, stepped out onto the porch then dropped the towel and stepped out into the rain. The pouring rain falling on me.

Feeling like something I can't describe and havn't felt in so long. Freedom? Love? Happiness? Joy, even.

I reach my hands into the air and turned my face to the sky and didn't see the moon, but stood there buck naked, drenched in the pouring rain feeling suddenly free and rebirthed and Bob felt so close to me at that moment, in the rain.

After that night, since that night, I have been writing almost every day for several hours. I haven't had a drop of alcohol (not that I have problem, but it was a way to numb the pain) I swim every day (up to 50 laps now) and walk the dog every morning an entire mile. I also cut my smoking back to about 9 cigs a day. Not quite ready to quit completely yet. I'm sleeping better. Feeling better. And wake in the morning, not dreading the day, but looking forward to it. I want very much to leave a legacy and not end up like my sister. The only way I can do that is through my writing. So this is what I'm concentrating on... This is what Bob wanted. This is my writing life.

Wish me luck to stay the course....