This Christmas was the first Christmas I ever spent alone. In my entire life. Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Before, of course, when Bob was alive we spent Christmas together. Before that, I spent Christmas with my family up north, 1400 miles away.
After Bob died, I spent Christmas with my friends, our widow's group got together on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I went out for lunch or dinner with a friend....
This year -- nothing.
Everyone seems to have moved on, especially the widows, which were 5 of us, and now 3 have boyfriends and whatever....
I did, however, go to a very nice Hanukkah party at a neighbor's house which was fun and something I've never have done in my life before, and I enjoyed that, that was a week or so before Christmas....
I suppose I could've tried to travel and get a flight back home, but my anxiety levels are so high about traveling and simply can't even comprehend trying that yet, plus it's COLD up there ... I hope you understand, this isn't a pity party -- it just the facts...
Christmas Eve day, the guy finally showed up to fix my solar panel valve on the roof of the garage for the pool and, while up on the roof - he broke a couple of roof shingles I'd just had replaced!!! GAAAAA!!! Called the roofing company, said they'd get back to me after Christmas.... still haven't heard back from them...
Anyway on Christmas Eve, I ordered a pizza. Bob and I used to do that -- it was our Christmas Eve tradition. Before the pizza arrived I made up a plate of Wisconsin cheese and crackers (sent from my mom and dad) and that's also what Bob and I used to do, eat Wisconsin cheese (sent from my mom and dad) and crackers, order pizza, open presents on Christmas Eve.
Back in old days, we didn't have a TV -- but we sat by the fireplace on Christmas Eve. And talked and listened to the radio....
This Christmas, did the pizza, cheese and then I watched some classic Christmas movies (A Christmas Story, It's a Wonderful Life) with Kona and Ripley snuggled on top of me.
So I wasn't totally alone.
It was weird, but I did it, and survived, now just get through New Year's alone.....
Monday, December 31, 2018
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
I did it!
Went to a second writer's workshop. And I tell you, after my first experience, I was terrified.
Terrified about reading "out loud" in front of strangers -- haven't done this in over 20 years or so.
Terrified about driving there and back, especially if it got dark.
But my shrinkologist told me to "face my fears" and go.
So I did.
Drove, but took the dog with me. Drove even though it was raining on my way there. My plan was to ask to read first, get it over with, you know, so I could just relax, but ended up reading 3rd, but at least I was able to leave before it got dark out.
And I did read it. Read the first five pages of Chapter 2 of my memoir in progress. Didn't cry, though I did tear up a little, managed to pull myself together and finish it.
And guess what? Got a lot of support, good comments/suggestions/critiques.
I think the most important thing for me was to hear some good feedback, know I haven't "lost my touch" as it's been over 10 years since I've written a book and I do doubt myself. Especially since I've never written a "memoir". My self esteem has been in the toilet lately, and I constantly wonder if my writing is "good enough" --- and after attending this group, I feel much more confident that I can actually do this, write this memoir, and get it out there, published.
It's going to take time.
Especially since I'm still dealing with these damn contractors! I cancelled a dental appointment for tomorrow because supposedly someone will be here to repair the solar pool heater or at least figure out a way to bypass the solar and just use the gas heater. I've not been able to swim in nearly 3 weeks, it's killing me as this is my big stress reliever (daily swimming). Kona not happy either. And both of us not getting enough exercise....
So my stress level is high, and doesn't help it's Christmas season without Bob and bah hum bug to all the sappy commercials and lovey-dovey music! it's damn depressing and lonely.... Can't wait until it's over.
Terrified about reading "out loud" in front of strangers -- haven't done this in over 20 years or so.
Terrified about driving there and back, especially if it got dark.
But my shrinkologist told me to "face my fears" and go.
So I did.
Drove, but took the dog with me. Drove even though it was raining on my way there. My plan was to ask to read first, get it over with, you know, so I could just relax, but ended up reading 3rd, but at least I was able to leave before it got dark out.
And I did read it. Read the first five pages of Chapter 2 of my memoir in progress. Didn't cry, though I did tear up a little, managed to pull myself together and finish it.
And guess what? Got a lot of support, good comments/suggestions/critiques.
I think the most important thing for me was to hear some good feedback, know I haven't "lost my touch" as it's been over 10 years since I've written a book and I do doubt myself. Especially since I've never written a "memoir". My self esteem has been in the toilet lately, and I constantly wonder if my writing is "good enough" --- and after attending this group, I feel much more confident that I can actually do this, write this memoir, and get it out there, published.
It's going to take time.
Especially since I'm still dealing with these damn contractors! I cancelled a dental appointment for tomorrow because supposedly someone will be here to repair the solar pool heater or at least figure out a way to bypass the solar and just use the gas heater. I've not been able to swim in nearly 3 weeks, it's killing me as this is my big stress reliever (daily swimming). Kona not happy either. And both of us not getting enough exercise....
So my stress level is high, and doesn't help it's Christmas season without Bob and bah hum bug to all the sappy commercials and lovey-dovey music! it's damn depressing and lonely.... Can't wait until it's over.
Monday, December 10, 2018
Ho Ho Ho & Happy Home Maintenance!
I have spent the past two months trying to find someone to fix two leaks in our garage/guest house roof.
The guys who did come by, took one look and fled. Yeah, it's an old roof....
Most wouldn't even return my calls.
The one who said he could do it and start in two weeks, which was back in October, finally called and said he was "too busy".
I finally went on Home Advisor and got connected with an "old timer" whose been in the business for 40 years and he managed to get her done, finally.
And now just have find someone to paint new wood on the eaves and rafters......... Though, I have been thinking about doing it myself -- somewhat scared to climb that high -- at least before I re-do my will!
And also have to get the guy out here to fix my solar system for the pool.... and have to fix a toilet and faucet and the sprinkler system (which wasn't working until I kicked it, ha!) but don't know how long that will last...
Seems all I'm doing lately is trying to keep this house from falling apart!
Good news, though, my father is back home! Thank you all for your prayers and support.
Oh, and I signed up for the next writer's workshop -- my shrink told me to "face your fears" and go again. Wish me luck! And fingers crossed, I won't freak out and flee again......
The guys who did come by, took one look and fled. Yeah, it's an old roof....
Most wouldn't even return my calls.
The one who said he could do it and start in two weeks, which was back in October, finally called and said he was "too busy".
I finally went on Home Advisor and got connected with an "old timer" whose been in the business for 40 years and he managed to get her done, finally.
 |
| "Before" |
 |
| "In process" |
 |
| After |
 |
| "After" -- they managed to salvage the old tiles and replace them after replacing the rotted wood underneath |
And now just have find someone to paint new wood on the eaves and rafters......... Though, I have been thinking about doing it myself -- somewhat scared to climb that high -- at least before I re-do my will!
And also have to get the guy out here to fix my solar system for the pool.... and have to fix a toilet and faucet and the sprinkler system (which wasn't working until I kicked it, ha!) but don't know how long that will last...
Seems all I'm doing lately is trying to keep this house from falling apart!
Good news, though, my father is back home! Thank you all for your prayers and support.
Oh, and I signed up for the next writer's workshop -- my shrink told me to "face your fears" and go again. Wish me luck! And fingers crossed, I won't freak out and flee again......
Friday, November 23, 2018
Writer's Workshop
Well, I thought I'd be brave this month and join a local writer's group that holds monthly meetings. It's been a long time since I've been to a writers' group and I was a bit nervous, hell, what am saying: I was horribly nervous!
The group actually had an application process, "send in the first pages of your current project" and you have to accepted into the group. I did, and I was, so that was a good sign, that a) my first pages of my memoir were "good enough" and b) looks like they only accept serious writers so wouldn't have be hearing a lot of poorly written stuff from writer-wannabes.
So I went, I took Kona with (asked first before I brought her). The meeting was supposed to be from 2-5 p.m. There was nine writers there, and by 4 p.m. only two had read their pages aloud and boy, did some of the folks rip them apart. We took a break and I went outside, walked around, starting freaking out afraid to read and get "ripped apart" -- also my dad in the hospital, worried sick about him, worried Kona was starting to get antsy, it's a long time for even a service dog to "stay down" and then I had a major panic attack.
Pretty much ran back into the room, grabbed my stuff and told them I had to leave! now! The facilitator wanted me to leave my copies of my work, but I didn't want them ripping me apart behind my back, so she asked me to e-mail copies everyone.
I felt like an idiot taking off like that.... but I just couldn't do it. And it was getting late and didn't want to be driving in the dark going home either.
So this week, with much trepidation, I did e-mail my first five pages of my memoir.......
And guess what? I got some great responses: Here's a few:
"Thank you for sending the brilliantly written excerpt of your memoir. Wow! I felt I was reading it in The New Yorker or a literary magazine. Don't change a word! I love the way you convey keeping feeling by sentence structure and action rather than by labeling the emotion. I read it out loud to my wife and she cried and wanted to read the rest of it right away. I'm so glad you're sharing this with the world."
"Thank you for entrusting me with your incredibly moving manuscript. You are, undeniably, a talented writer..... Please, please PLEASE come to our next meeting!"
"It gave me chills. It made me feel like your brain was wounded and incapable of emotion only capable of noting objects and the color/shape of things. It reminds me of Debussy. Opening lines to piano pieces. It appears from nowhere. A single one. The next doesn't fit. They don't synchronize. They tumble on note after note until the movement is over. It's perfect! Loved it!"
"Well done! I immediately felt connected with your sadness."
Of course, there were some picky edits and advice, change this word, this sentence isn't needed, take out this word, etc. but so far, the one's I've heard back from have been mostly lovely, some of the advice actually good and it's really has cheered me on to keep at it. But, I haven't heard back from everyone, yet.
And then, conflicting comments, i.e. "don't change a word", to "change this or that." Who do you believe? But, depending on any more comments ----
I'm thinking maybe, maybe, I'll try to go the next one in December. Also depending on where the meeting will be held, as they seem to change locations and I don't want to drive too far to get there.... Jeepers, I wish I could get over this anxiety of driving. And the anxiety of "reading a loud" my own work.
Last night, went to Thanksgiving at friend's house and had to drive home at night. I was stressed about that, then cheered when I made home safely! Only I cheered a little too early, because when I backed into the driveway, I ran straight into a pole. Damn! No major damage, just another freaking scrape on the car.....
The group actually had an application process, "send in the first pages of your current project" and you have to accepted into the group. I did, and I was, so that was a good sign, that a) my first pages of my memoir were "good enough" and b) looks like they only accept serious writers so wouldn't have be hearing a lot of poorly written stuff from writer-wannabes.
So I went, I took Kona with (asked first before I brought her). The meeting was supposed to be from 2-5 p.m. There was nine writers there, and by 4 p.m. only two had read their pages aloud and boy, did some of the folks rip them apart. We took a break and I went outside, walked around, starting freaking out afraid to read and get "ripped apart" -- also my dad in the hospital, worried sick about him, worried Kona was starting to get antsy, it's a long time for even a service dog to "stay down" and then I had a major panic attack.
Pretty much ran back into the room, grabbed my stuff and told them I had to leave! now! The facilitator wanted me to leave my copies of my work, but I didn't want them ripping me apart behind my back, so she asked me to e-mail copies everyone.
I felt like an idiot taking off like that.... but I just couldn't do it. And it was getting late and didn't want to be driving in the dark going home either.
So this week, with much trepidation, I did e-mail my first five pages of my memoir.......
And guess what? I got some great responses: Here's a few:
"Thank you for sending the brilliantly written excerpt of your memoir. Wow! I felt I was reading it in The New Yorker or a literary magazine. Don't change a word! I love the way you convey keeping feeling by sentence structure and action rather than by labeling the emotion. I read it out loud to my wife and she cried and wanted to read the rest of it right away. I'm so glad you're sharing this with the world."
"Thank you for entrusting me with your incredibly moving manuscript. You are, undeniably, a talented writer..... Please, please PLEASE come to our next meeting!"
"It gave me chills. It made me feel like your brain was wounded and incapable of emotion only capable of noting objects and the color/shape of things. It reminds me of Debussy. Opening lines to piano pieces. It appears from nowhere. A single one. The next doesn't fit. They don't synchronize. They tumble on note after note until the movement is over. It's perfect! Loved it!"
"Well done! I immediately felt connected with your sadness."
Of course, there were some picky edits and advice, change this word, this sentence isn't needed, take out this word, etc. but so far, the one's I've heard back from have been mostly lovely, some of the advice actually good and it's really has cheered me on to keep at it. But, I haven't heard back from everyone, yet.
And then, conflicting comments, i.e. "don't change a word", to "change this or that." Who do you believe? But, depending on any more comments ----
I'm thinking maybe, maybe, I'll try to go the next one in December. Also depending on where the meeting will be held, as they seem to change locations and I don't want to drive too far to get there.... Jeepers, I wish I could get over this anxiety of driving. And the anxiety of "reading a loud" my own work.
Last night, went to Thanksgiving at friend's house and had to drive home at night. I was stressed about that, then cheered when I made home safely! Only I cheered a little too early, because when I backed into the driveway, I ran straight into a pole. Damn! No major damage, just another freaking scrape on the car.....
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Wishing Everyone a Happy Thanksgiving
Today, my father will spend his first full day in Rehab. He was discharged yesterday from the hospital. They say the pneumonia and sepsis has cleared up. Fingers crossed, that he will be home soon.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Just an update
about my dad -- he was doing so much better yesterday, and discharge plan was on going on home Monday. They stopped the IV antibiotics but then the pneumonia has gotten worse and also sepsis infection. So, up and down. And I'm thinking, well you know I'm thinking I don't trust the medical establishment at all -- so what the heck are they doing?
Thank you, in advance, for your thoughts, white light and prayers for both my Dad and my Mom (who is going crazy -- as I know how it is... )
Thank you, in advance, for your thoughts, white light and prayers for both my Dad and my Mom (who is going crazy -- as I know how it is... )
Monday, November 12, 2018
My Father
Pneumonia? Other issues?
Still don't now -- taken by ambulance Sunday morning...
Stressful day.
Thinking of you, Dad, sending my prayers, white light, positive healing your way.
And please, anyone reading this, send your prayers, light, healing energy, positive thoughts to my father, Leslie Snyder.
Thanks.
Love you, Dad, you are and always have been a wonderful father. And glad you are my Dad!
Great well soon!!!
Saturday, November 10, 2018
Definition of Joy!
(After 40 days unable to go in the pool as she was recovering from an ear infection.)
Joy, for Mom too!
Thursday, November 1, 2018
You know you have a good therapist...
when she gives you a birthday card, a cupcake and a deck of "Spirit Messages" oracle cards by medium John Holland.And thank you to my wonderful friends, Hillary and Sharron, who gave me a pizza birthday dinner party tonight. You don't know how much that meant to me!
58 years old today and feels weird to be older than Bob and without Bob. Thought I would be spending the day alone, but found that I do have friends out there and so much appreciate it.
And right now, I'm going to eat that cupcake!
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Just a Quick Update
Well, the collection agency finally e-mailed "the documents" that I requested, which turned out to be one page, a sort of letter, titled "Verification of Debt" with the account number half **** out, the amount owed, $11,000+, and dates (both when account opened and last payment) listed as N/A.
So not much info there. Heck there wasn't even an address on the letterhead of this letter.
Called my attorney, told them what I got, he had me forward it to his office, and told me if they call again to, first, get the name of whom I'm speaking, then just give them his name and phone number and tell them to contact my lawyer and hang up the phone. He also told me to keep a notebook by the phone and keep a log if they call again, time/date etc.
Oh-kay.
Two days later, after I told the collection agency NOT to call me, they called again. So I answered and gave them my lawyer's name and phone number etc. and before I could hang up, the woman I was speaking with says, "We don't call lawyers. And we don't deal with disputes. You can have your lawyer call us, but we DO NOT call lawyers!"
So I say, "Don't call me again. My lawyer is handling this."
And she says, "Fine! SEE YOU IN COURT!" and hangs up on me.
Jeepers!
So I call my lawyer and tell him what happened and he has sent "these scumbags" (his words) a letter, telling them he is handling this case and wants proof of this account, and that they should not call me as he considers this harassment and illegal. He also included our document, signed by Citibank, that this account (at least an account with a very similar number) was paid.
So -- we'll see what happens next. So far, my phone has been quiet. Fingers-crossed.
Meanwhile, I'm back at writing my memoir.... finally after a long writer's block. (Though it's mostly ripping apart what I've already written and rewriting it -- but that's why they call it a "rough draft".)
So not much info there. Heck there wasn't even an address on the letterhead of this letter.
Called my attorney, told them what I got, he had me forward it to his office, and told me if they call again to, first, get the name of whom I'm speaking, then just give them his name and phone number and tell them to contact my lawyer and hang up the phone. He also told me to keep a notebook by the phone and keep a log if they call again, time/date etc.
Oh-kay.
Two days later, after I told the collection agency NOT to call me, they called again. So I answered and gave them my lawyer's name and phone number etc. and before I could hang up, the woman I was speaking with says, "We don't call lawyers. And we don't deal with disputes. You can have your lawyer call us, but we DO NOT call lawyers!"
So I say, "Don't call me again. My lawyer is handling this."
And she says, "Fine! SEE YOU IN COURT!" and hangs up on me.
Jeepers!
So I call my lawyer and tell him what happened and he has sent "these scumbags" (his words) a letter, telling them he is handling this case and wants proof of this account, and that they should not call me as he considers this harassment and illegal. He also included our document, signed by Citibank, that this account (at least an account with a very similar number) was paid.
So -- we'll see what happens next. So far, my phone has been quiet. Fingers-crossed.
Meanwhile, I'm back at writing my memoir.... finally after a long writer's block. (Though it's mostly ripping apart what I've already written and rewriting it -- but that's why they call it a "rough draft".)
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
This is Life In America
So, first of all, I want to thank Barb and Stephanie for their comments on my last post. I'd begun to think that no one reads my blog, really cares anymore, as it is disheartening to write a post and get "no comments" -- so thank you, everyone, very much for your comments.
As for this creditor thing:
Phew!
This is life after someone gets ill, or disabled. I remember, way back when, Bob could no longer work and we were without his income, little savings, my paltry writing income and it came down to this: what do you pay with the income you have? Priority #1: mortgage, keep a roof over your head. #2 utilities, keep the electric and water on. After that food -- for you and your pets. Then what's left?
True example: Bob's disability check was $1215/month -- our house payment $675. Doesn't leave much left over, Cobra (his insurance) $440/month. Utilities (even heating with wood and wood does cost so much cord) then water/sewer/electric. Then food for us, + dog and 2 cats Add doctor's visit co-pays, prescription co-pays, the occasional ambulance bills, vehicle insurance, pet vet bills and so which do you decided is more important --- certainly not credit cards... (and thank you Mom & Dad for helping with the insurance payments)
So yes, I admit, I defaulted on credit cards, and ambulance bills and some other stuff...
To the point, that we were receiving daily, multiple calls from credit collectors. Jeepers, the phone phone ringing off the hook --- stressful.
I finally learned at trick, could "mute" our phone, so we didn't hear it ring, went right to the answering machine and anyone who knew us (family/friends) knew to just start talking "Hello? You there?" and I would pick up. Called this "poor man's Caller ID" because we couldn't afford Caller ID, nor could we afford long distance, so everyone knew to "call me back" if I returned a long distance call.
Ah, the old days. Sucks to be poor and caring for a disabled spouse...
Anyway, after our "settlement" I gave over all the bills we owed to our lawyer, including Citibank plus other hospital bills, doctor's bills, ambulance bills, etc. and before we got a penny from our settlement, all our debts were negotiated and paid off...
And now this, 4 years later, credit collections wanting $12,000+ for a Citibank credit card. Threatening to take me to court for "defrauding a financial institution". They have my name, birthdate, address and social security number --- -???!
So back and forth, with my lawyer, this collection agency who wanted the account numbers of the credit card as I told had been paid, I'm digging through paperwork, can't find anything because I think I gave everything to the lawyer, and then my lawyer's paralegal finds it, sends it to me, I call the collection agency give them the account number, the settlement amount, date paid and they say it's not the right number: i.e. the account number I have ends with 2375 and they have 2370 -- and I'm like--- what?
So my lawyer told me to ask the collection agency to send "all documentation" regarding this account to me to review -- and they (the collection agency) said would e-mail said documents to me, that was early this morning and I still have still not received anything.....
But all day today, 3 calls, from same said collection agency (robo calls) threatening ligitation, and I finally (after ignoring the first two) picked up the phone and pressed "1" to speak to a "representative" but just got voicemail and left a message that "I already contacted you and YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SEND ME THE DOCUMENTS SUPPORTING THIS CLAIM, AND UNTIL THEN STOP CALLING ME!"
Anyway, sorry for the long rant... I just really don't need this right now as also dealing with a roof leak, other house maintenance stuff, fortunately my computer is working now --- . but I am totally stressed out.
As for this creditor thing:
Phew!
This is life after someone gets ill, or disabled. I remember, way back when, Bob could no longer work and we were without his income, little savings, my paltry writing income and it came down to this: what do you pay with the income you have? Priority #1: mortgage, keep a roof over your head. #2 utilities, keep the electric and water on. After that food -- for you and your pets. Then what's left?
True example: Bob's disability check was $1215/month -- our house payment $675. Doesn't leave much left over, Cobra (his insurance) $440/month. Utilities (even heating with wood and wood does cost so much cord) then water/sewer/electric. Then food for us, + dog and 2 cats Add doctor's visit co-pays, prescription co-pays, the occasional ambulance bills, vehicle insurance, pet vet bills and so which do you decided is more important --- certainly not credit cards... (and thank you Mom & Dad for helping with the insurance payments)
So yes, I admit, I defaulted on credit cards, and ambulance bills and some other stuff...
To the point, that we were receiving daily, multiple calls from credit collectors. Jeepers, the phone phone ringing off the hook --- stressful.
I finally learned at trick, could "mute" our phone, so we didn't hear it ring, went right to the answering machine and anyone who knew us (family/friends) knew to just start talking "Hello? You there?" and I would pick up. Called this "poor man's Caller ID" because we couldn't afford Caller ID, nor could we afford long distance, so everyone knew to "call me back" if I returned a long distance call.
Ah, the old days. Sucks to be poor and caring for a disabled spouse...
Anyway, after our "settlement" I gave over all the bills we owed to our lawyer, including Citibank plus other hospital bills, doctor's bills, ambulance bills, etc. and before we got a penny from our settlement, all our debts were negotiated and paid off...
And now this, 4 years later, credit collections wanting $12,000+ for a Citibank credit card. Threatening to take me to court for "defrauding a financial institution". They have my name, birthdate, address and social security number --- -???!
So back and forth, with my lawyer, this collection agency who wanted the account numbers of the credit card as I told had been paid, I'm digging through paperwork, can't find anything because I think I gave everything to the lawyer, and then my lawyer's paralegal finds it, sends it to me, I call the collection agency give them the account number, the settlement amount, date paid and they say it's not the right number: i.e. the account number I have ends with 2375 and they have 2370 -- and I'm like--- what?
So my lawyer told me to ask the collection agency to send "all documentation" regarding this account to me to review -- and they (the collection agency) said would e-mail said documents to me, that was early this morning and I still have still not received anything.....
But all day today, 3 calls, from same said collection agency (robo calls) threatening ligitation, and I finally (after ignoring the first two) picked up the phone and pressed "1" to speak to a "representative" but just got voicemail and left a message that "I already contacted you and YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SEND ME THE DOCUMENTS SUPPORTING THIS CLAIM, AND UNTIL THEN STOP CALLING ME!"
Anyway, sorry for the long rant... I just really don't need this right now as also dealing with a roof leak, other house maintenance stuff, fortunately my computer is working now --- . but I am totally stressed out.
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Life as is should be:
This week -- chaos, no nothing major just a bunch of stuff building up--
leaking roof, contractor's who don't return calls,
pool problems,
ice maker not working in the fridge,
computer problems,
paint pealing off the house, jeepers just was painted two years ago --
Bob's cremation broach falls off -- damaged -- trips to jewelers -- still not fixed
Then some damn credit collection agency threatening to sue me, calls to lawyers, talk about being taken to court... for what? bills already paid off, I know it (at least, I think they should have been paid off) -- doesn't make any sense... but... my lawyer thinks some "bookkeeping error" ---
and I feel so damn lonely.... all alone... like no one really cares...
I'm trying to deal with all this --
And then -- here is The Talented Mr. Ripley in his "cat tree", not a care in the world:
leaking roof, contractor's who don't return calls,
pool problems,
ice maker not working in the fridge,
computer problems,
paint pealing off the house, jeepers just was painted two years ago --
Bob's cremation broach falls off -- damaged -- trips to jewelers -- still not fixed
Then some damn credit collection agency threatening to sue me, calls to lawyers, talk about being taken to court... for what? bills already paid off, I know it (at least, I think they should have been paid off) -- doesn't make any sense... but... my lawyer thinks some "bookkeeping error" ---
and I feel so damn lonely.... all alone... like no one really cares...
I'm trying to deal with all this --
And then -- here is The Talented Mr. Ripley in his "cat tree", not a care in the world:
 |
| Damn! I wish I was a cat!!! That's how life should be... |
Friday, October 12, 2018
Survived the Storm
And thank god, it didn't land near us -- the devastation is terrible north of here. We just had some street flooding, some downed trees, beach erosion and beach town flooding, flooding in flood zones, but OK here at the Pink House where I made sure we were not in a flood zone when we bought the house..
Though was a stressful and uneasy time -- especially the "squalls" -- bands of quick thunderstorms, that kept coming and coming. I took Kona out for walk between squalls, hoping to "stay dry" long enough to poop and pee -- and low and behold, coming back home, a loose German Shepherd.
And not a nice dog. I know this dog. Belongs to a neighbor. The kind of dog that slams into the fence when you walk by their house.. Psycho shepard. anyway...
There it is -- outside -- in the alley. Staring at us.
And I'm like, oh shit. So I quickly put Kona in a "sit/stay" cause I know the last thing you want to do is run, cause that dog will give chase. And I don't want Kona, pulling or reacting, so I say "Sit/Stay!" and she's a good dog, sits at my leg as I'm sizing up the situation --- this big Shepard staring us down (where are the owners?, etc.) and suddenly, that dog came at us like a bullet --
charging --- barking --- growling -- full speed
we are about 20 feet away
and I yell "NOOOOOO!!" not scream, as in terrified, but using what my dog trainer called "Sargent's Voice" and I call it "My Dog Mom Voice", so strong authority "NOOOO!"
And I tell you, that dog skidded to a stop, with a look of shock on it's face, skidded on it's front forearms (forelegs?) to a stop about 6 inches from us, still growling and snapping but stopped and Kona, bless her soul, just sat there in her "sit/stay".
Good training on my part? or perhaps Kona was scared shitless -- I don't know, but next I know the owners of the Shepard are running out and yelling at the dog, and the dog takes off across the street.
Then a bunch of apologies from the owners, and they did ask if we were "OK" and I did check Kona over no bites or scratches -- everything happened so fast, but Kona Ok but damn, near well gave me a heart attack.
So survived both the storm and the neighbor's dog...
Though was a stressful and uneasy time -- especially the "squalls" -- bands of quick thunderstorms, that kept coming and coming. I took Kona out for walk between squalls, hoping to "stay dry" long enough to poop and pee -- and low and behold, coming back home, a loose German Shepherd.
And not a nice dog. I know this dog. Belongs to a neighbor. The kind of dog that slams into the fence when you walk by their house.. Psycho shepard. anyway...
There it is -- outside -- in the alley. Staring at us.
And I'm like, oh shit. So I quickly put Kona in a "sit/stay" cause I know the last thing you want to do is run, cause that dog will give chase. And I don't want Kona, pulling or reacting, so I say "Sit/Stay!" and she's a good dog, sits at my leg as I'm sizing up the situation --- this big Shepard staring us down (where are the owners?, etc.) and suddenly, that dog came at us like a bullet --
charging --- barking --- growling -- full speed
we are about 20 feet away
and I yell "NOOOOOO!!" not scream, as in terrified, but using what my dog trainer called "Sargent's Voice" and I call it "My Dog Mom Voice", so strong authority "NOOOO!"
And I tell you, that dog skidded to a stop, with a look of shock on it's face, skidded on it's front forearms (forelegs?) to a stop about 6 inches from us, still growling and snapping but stopped and Kona, bless her soul, just sat there in her "sit/stay".
Good training on my part? or perhaps Kona was scared shitless -- I don't know, but next I know the owners of the Shepard are running out and yelling at the dog, and the dog takes off across the street.
Then a bunch of apologies from the owners, and they did ask if we were "OK" and I did check Kona over no bites or scratches -- everything happened so fast, but Kona Ok but damn, near well gave me a heart attack.
So survived both the storm and the neighbor's dog...
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Waiting for Bad Weather
With Hurricane Michael moving up the Gulf, the news has been inundated with constant updates, warning, watches, and the whole thing is rather nerve wracking.
Thankfully, we are not in "The Cone of Doom" (which is what Bob used to call it) but we are on the outskirts, under a Tropical Storm Watch, and are expecting strong wind gusts, "squalls" i.e. bands of heavy rain and possible flooding with a predicted 2-4 feet storm surge...
Already seeing that grayish-green haze in the sky that comes before a big storm..
I am uneasy.
I should be okay, though, as we are on higher/drier ground, and not so close to the water -- though there are warnings to "stay off the roads" in town and so I went shopping for some necessities (dog food/cat food/vodka ha!) and cancelled appointments this week and plan to stay home.
I am thankful this storm is not heading directly at us, but there are always worries that the storm can "wobble" and unexpectedly "change direction" as some hurricanes (i.e. Charley) have in the past.
Scary, being alone, when the weather turns bad. Scary, the waiting, and "see what happens" and constant turning on the news for latest updates.
My heart goes out to all those who are boarding up, evacuating, not that far north of us...
Can't wait until this Hurricane Season is over.
Thankfully, we are not in "The Cone of Doom" (which is what Bob used to call it) but we are on the outskirts, under a Tropical Storm Watch, and are expecting strong wind gusts, "squalls" i.e. bands of heavy rain and possible flooding with a predicted 2-4 feet storm surge...
Already seeing that grayish-green haze in the sky that comes before a big storm..
I am uneasy.
I should be okay, though, as we are on higher/drier ground, and not so close to the water -- though there are warnings to "stay off the roads" in town and so I went shopping for some necessities (dog food/cat food/vodka ha!) and cancelled appointments this week and plan to stay home.
I am thankful this storm is not heading directly at us, but there are always worries that the storm can "wobble" and unexpectedly "change direction" as some hurricanes (i.e. Charley) have in the past.
Scary, being alone, when the weather turns bad. Scary, the waiting, and "see what happens" and constant turning on the news for latest updates.
My heart goes out to all those who are boarding up, evacuating, not that far north of us...
Can't wait until this Hurricane Season is over.
Friday, October 5, 2018
Poor Kona....
Now she has "ear packing"in her ears and can't go swimming for a month...
So this is the face I see every day after I get out of the pool....
She's breaking my heart...
Sorry Kona, doctor's orders....
And, this was also my first attempt (well successful attempt) taking a pic with my iPad (after many shots of the ceiling fan, floor etc. ha!) -- looks artsy, though, huh?
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
Conversation with a Clairvoyant
I was planning on going to a psychic fair with a friend about a week ago, but she backed out at the last minute and I really didn't feel like going alone... but I noticed a certain Clairvoyant's name that I recognized and heard was good, and she was taking appointments on the following Monday and I decided to call and set an appointment and go on my own (with Kona).
It was 30 minute session and interesting, to say the least, and hard to cover all aspects, but here are some "highlights" that she told me:
Bob visits me daily, in the morning while I pour my first cup of coffee (he stands by my left side) and every evening when I go to bed, he sits on "his side" of the bed and sends me calming energy to help me sleep.
Bob sends me cardinals (red ones, not the brown ones) and she asked if I have been seeing red cardinals -- which I affirmed and then told her that the squirrels were eating all their food so I don't see them as often as I did.
She told me that I have "two squirrels living in my front yard" (which is true) and these squirrels are "elderly gentlemen friends" who "decided to reincarnate together as squirrels" and I'm thinking "gentlemen friends" seems like an old fashion term for a gay couple -- and that Bob says to keep feeding them, because they are happy there ... she also told me Bob also sends yellow butterflies, but only the pure yellow ones, with no black on them... and yes, I have seen yellow butterflies in my backyard.
Also she said that she "sees" pages and pages, flipping pages, of typewritten text and asks me if Bob was a writer... I tell her no, that I am the writer, and she tells me Bob wants me to concentrate on my work, not his work, as my work is "more important" and although he wants to be remembered for his artwork, the priority right now is my writing.
She also told me that Bob sent me Kona, in that he orchestrated the connections and circumstances, and guided me to her as both of us (Kona & I) needed to be "rescued". Then she (the medium) looked at me, incredulous, and asked if Kona was a "rescue"? Which she is.
Also that Kona and Bob are "connected" and Kona sees him in the house, especially in the kitchen and bedroom... and asked me if Kona looks up as if watching something or barks at nothing, and yes she does this -- often freaking me out.
Then she tells me that my grandmother has a message for me, even though "you were not close in life" (true) and grandma tells me that I come from a long line of "strong women" who when they fall down, pick themselves up. She shows a long list of my accomplishments I've done in my lifetime and I should not forget these things I did for other people, causes, etc. and it's time to "be strong" for myself instead of others. She also told me I needed to (more or less) stop procrastinating and get back to work! That writing was my "gift", my "purpose in this life" and I should not squander it, as I am a "talented writer who inspires people" but I need a "deadline" and needed this book launched by April 11th.
Whoa...
She also told me that the spirit world will set things in motion once my book is out there, but she sees more than one book, she sees three books at least.... And there will be a younger woman who will help me editing/etc. to get published and also someone with the first name of Gail and last name starting with G. is going to help me with publicity after publication and this book is going to be a success. I also need to pay attention to "the dedication page" of the book as this dedication will prompt people to buy the book. And she sees media interviews, and articles and the book going "international"....
Oh my, that sounds too good to be true...
And grandma interrupts to tell me to give the part of the proceeds to charity that will help "people with disabilities like Bob had here on earth". Which, by the way, I was already planning to do, if it took off...
OK -- by now I am flabbergasted.. and she goes on ---
She told me that Bob did not suffer when he passed, that he merely woke up from a deep sleep, felt a slight compression in his chest and then, thought, he went back to sleep and dreamt of people standing in his room with their arms open, welcoming him, and he went to them and didn't realize he had died as he did not see a tunnel or white light, just people welcoming him and he only realized he died three days later... He told her that his heart just stopped. And it happened so fast, there was nothing (even if in a hospital) that anyone could do, his heart just stopped and -- it was "just his time".
And also that (he tells her, I don't want to hear this) I have a long life ahead of me, and he doesn't want me to spend it alone and he will "guide" people to me, good people with good souls because he said, "my wife has the soul of an angel" and "never let me down" and "was always there for me" and "she needs someone in her life like that."
Then she tells me that I actually saw Bob, and when I said, "no", she said that he was "sure" I saw him in the hallway, as I actually looked him in the eye, but then walked right through him! Well, jeepers, that's kind of spooky.... I don't remember that at all... anyhoo
All in all, I'm glad I went. This may have been the "push" I needed. This past week, I've pulled out my memoir manuscript, printed it out, to go through it and edit and re-think some chapters and re-think where this book is heading and what do I want it "to be". I've been "stuck" so long (months) but now I think the problem was/is that I'm trying to cover too much in one manuscript and should stick with the lawsuit on this memoir, then perhaps, as so many of you have suggested in the past "turn my blog into a book" about the caregiving years (though I haven't a clue how to do that) and for the third book? Maybe a book of Bob's post-stroke illustrations, with commentary for each of them written by me......
And I better hurry, April 11th is not that far off, jeepers! First time, I've gotten "demands" from the "other side".
And, I tell you, I'm never going to look at those two gentlemen squirrels in the front yard again in the same way....
PS: Below, last post, is picture of one the gentlemen....
It was 30 minute session and interesting, to say the least, and hard to cover all aspects, but here are some "highlights" that she told me:
Bob visits me daily, in the morning while I pour my first cup of coffee (he stands by my left side) and every evening when I go to bed, he sits on "his side" of the bed and sends me calming energy to help me sleep.
Bob sends me cardinals (red ones, not the brown ones) and she asked if I have been seeing red cardinals -- which I affirmed and then told her that the squirrels were eating all their food so I don't see them as often as I did.
She told me that I have "two squirrels living in my front yard" (which is true) and these squirrels are "elderly gentlemen friends" who "decided to reincarnate together as squirrels" and I'm thinking "gentlemen friends" seems like an old fashion term for a gay couple -- and that Bob says to keep feeding them, because they are happy there ... she also told me Bob also sends yellow butterflies, but only the pure yellow ones, with no black on them... and yes, I have seen yellow butterflies in my backyard.
Also she said that she "sees" pages and pages, flipping pages, of typewritten text and asks me if Bob was a writer... I tell her no, that I am the writer, and she tells me Bob wants me to concentrate on my work, not his work, as my work is "more important" and although he wants to be remembered for his artwork, the priority right now is my writing.
She also told me that Bob sent me Kona, in that he orchestrated the connections and circumstances, and guided me to her as both of us (Kona & I) needed to be "rescued". Then she (the medium) looked at me, incredulous, and asked if Kona was a "rescue"? Which she is.
Also that Kona and Bob are "connected" and Kona sees him in the house, especially in the kitchen and bedroom... and asked me if Kona looks up as if watching something or barks at nothing, and yes she does this -- often freaking me out.
Then she tells me that my grandmother has a message for me, even though "you were not close in life" (true) and grandma tells me that I come from a long line of "strong women" who when they fall down, pick themselves up. She shows a long list of my accomplishments I've done in my lifetime and I should not forget these things I did for other people, causes, etc. and it's time to "be strong" for myself instead of others. She also told me I needed to (more or less) stop procrastinating and get back to work! That writing was my "gift", my "purpose in this life" and I should not squander it, as I am a "talented writer who inspires people" but I need a "deadline" and needed this book launched by April 11th.
Whoa...
She also told me that the spirit world will set things in motion once my book is out there, but she sees more than one book, she sees three books at least.... And there will be a younger woman who will help me editing/etc. to get published and also someone with the first name of Gail and last name starting with G. is going to help me with publicity after publication and this book is going to be a success. I also need to pay attention to "the dedication page" of the book as this dedication will prompt people to buy the book. And she sees media interviews, and articles and the book going "international"....
Oh my, that sounds too good to be true...
And grandma interrupts to tell me to give the part of the proceeds to charity that will help "people with disabilities like Bob had here on earth". Which, by the way, I was already planning to do, if it took off...
OK -- by now I am flabbergasted.. and she goes on ---
She told me that Bob did not suffer when he passed, that he merely woke up from a deep sleep, felt a slight compression in his chest and then, thought, he went back to sleep and dreamt of people standing in his room with their arms open, welcoming him, and he went to them and didn't realize he had died as he did not see a tunnel or white light, just people welcoming him and he only realized he died three days later... He told her that his heart just stopped. And it happened so fast, there was nothing (even if in a hospital) that anyone could do, his heart just stopped and -- it was "just his time".
And also that (he tells her, I don't want to hear this) I have a long life ahead of me, and he doesn't want me to spend it alone and he will "guide" people to me, good people with good souls because he said, "my wife has the soul of an angel" and "never let me down" and "was always there for me" and "she needs someone in her life like that."
Then she tells me that I actually saw Bob, and when I said, "no", she said that he was "sure" I saw him in the hallway, as I actually looked him in the eye, but then walked right through him! Well, jeepers, that's kind of spooky.... I don't remember that at all... anyhoo
All in all, I'm glad I went. This may have been the "push" I needed. This past week, I've pulled out my memoir manuscript, printed it out, to go through it and edit and re-think some chapters and re-think where this book is heading and what do I want it "to be". I've been "stuck" so long (months) but now I think the problem was/is that I'm trying to cover too much in one manuscript and should stick with the lawsuit on this memoir, then perhaps, as so many of you have suggested in the past "turn my blog into a book" about the caregiving years (though I haven't a clue how to do that) and for the third book? Maybe a book of Bob's post-stroke illustrations, with commentary for each of them written by me......
And I better hurry, April 11th is not that far off, jeepers! First time, I've gotten "demands" from the "other side".
And, I tell you, I'm never going to look at those two gentlemen squirrels in the front yard again in the same way....
PS: Below, last post, is picture of one the gentlemen....
Friday, September 21, 2018
Bird Feeder
So I got a bird feeder, as suggested by the local medium, in order to attract birds to my yard, and "open the door" for messages from Bob. Oh-kay. Here's what I get, everyday! I know I can get some type of feeder that detracts squirrels, but this guy makes me laugh.
And yes, Mom & Dad, got my camera working!
And yes, Mom & Dad, got my camera working!
Monday, September 17, 2018
Anniversaries & Such
Recently there was a short piece on our local news, a story about a man in a wheelchair who at a local grocery store trying to balance, on his lap, a cake, a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne. When a younger man, behind him, helped this man in the wheelchair put his items on the counter to check out, he commented that it looked like the man was off to a celebration. And the man in the wheelchair told him it was his wedding anniversary, and that even though his wife had passed away five years ago, he still honored the day the way they always had, buying her flowers, a cake and toasting each other with champagne. Then the older man asked the younger man if he wanted to join his anniversary celebration, and he did, and widower not only honored his wife but made a new friend.
I love that story.
And I think it's strange that anyone would think it wrong to celebrate one's wedding anniversary just because their spouse is "in spirit" doesn't mean their spouse is no longer in this world and with us, just in another form. And a relationship can continue, after death, and to those who do not believe this, I highly recommend a few books:
The Afterlife Revolution
by Whitley & Anne Streiber
(and Anne co-wrote this book with her husband after her death)
Love Never Dies
by Dr. Jamie Turndorf
(a book about how she was able to continue her relationship with her husband, talk with him, be with him, in spirit, soul-to-soul, after his death)
Bridging Two Realms: Learn to Communicate With Your Loved Ones on the Other Side
by John Holland
And though Bob and I may not be married "in the eyes of the law", we are still married in spirit. Many of my widow friends feel the same, others do not, but we do not force our own opinions on others. And often we get together on a wedding anniversary, or a death anniversary, or a birthday of a spouse, we do this to offer emotional support but also to celebrate the life of the one we loved and still love.
I see nothing wrong with that.
Yesterday, I went "antiquing" with two friends, a tradition that Bob & I used to do on wedding anniversaries. It felt good to continue the tradition. I think, I only cried once yesterday, later in the evening...
By the way, Bob is still with me and says, "Hello" to you all. His voice never sounded better.
And now I can hear everyone thinking "Jeepers, she's gone off the deep end!" Yikes!
I love that story.
And I think it's strange that anyone would think it wrong to celebrate one's wedding anniversary just because their spouse is "in spirit" doesn't mean their spouse is no longer in this world and with us, just in another form. And a relationship can continue, after death, and to those who do not believe this, I highly recommend a few books:
The Afterlife Revolution
by Whitley & Anne Streiber
(and Anne co-wrote this book with her husband after her death)
Love Never Dies
by Dr. Jamie Turndorf
(a book about how she was able to continue her relationship with her husband, talk with him, be with him, in spirit, soul-to-soul, after his death)
Bridging Two Realms: Learn to Communicate With Your Loved Ones on the Other Side
by John Holland
And though Bob and I may not be married "in the eyes of the law", we are still married in spirit. Many of my widow friends feel the same, others do not, but we do not force our own opinions on others. And often we get together on a wedding anniversary, or a death anniversary, or a birthday of a spouse, we do this to offer emotional support but also to celebrate the life of the one we loved and still love.
I see nothing wrong with that.
Yesterday, I went "antiquing" with two friends, a tradition that Bob & I used to do on wedding anniversaries. It felt good to continue the tradition. I think, I only cried once yesterday, later in the evening...
By the way, Bob is still with me and says, "Hello" to you all. His voice never sounded better.
And now I can hear everyone thinking "Jeepers, she's gone off the deep end!" Yikes!
Sunday, September 16, 2018
Thursday, August 30, 2018
The Widow's Tree
My pen pal is a widow on the West Coast. She sent me this picture of "The Widow's Tree" near Seattle.
So called, as it is missing a large piece of it's heart...
Just thought I'd share it here....
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Don't Even Know Where to Begin....
 |
| Bob and Uncle Dick |
During his childhood, Bob would spend summers with his Aunt and Uncle, Aunt Mary told me they did this because Bob was the only boy in his family and wasn't allowed "to be a boy" and everything was about the girls (his sisters). Aunt Mary and Uncle Dick had the "let boys be boys" mentality and Bob would tell me about happy summers spent with his cousin Mark digging up the back yard, building forts, "digging a hole to China" and how once the dog fell in and had to be rescued and how Uncle Dick would make breakfast in the morning but I guess he wasn't a great cook because he served "awfuls" and "french crud" (waffles and french toast) and that was an ongoing joke...
And when Bob's aunt and uncle visited us, Uncle Dick used to love "porch sittin' time" which was a phrase Bob & I used for the time of day, after work, when we would sit on the front porch and talk. Dick would always say, when he called, "We're coming down for some porch sittin' time"!" and when I talked with his son, Mark, today, to offer my condolences he told me that his dad often spoke of us and how much he loved our visits and especially talked about "porch sittin' time" to the point that Mark requested the ALS where Dick spent his last months install a park bench outside in the backyard so that his father could go outside for "porch sittin' time" and they did it, and Mark said he would say to his father, "Dad, you want to go outside for some porch sittin' time?" and his father's response was always "Hell, yes!"
And I tell you, I have been crying, off and and on, all day, missing this wonderful man and remembering happy memories. And I want to believe that Bob and Uncle Dick are on the "other side" eating "awfuls and french crud" and having some good old fashion "porch sittin' time"...
PS: other crap going on here, been a busy, stressful few days --- I'll catch you up later...
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Creepy Computer Scams..
So, for the last couple of months I kept getting calls from "Invalid Caller" which I didn't pick up, when I was home, and no messages were ever left. Then I kept getting these calls from Invalid Caller #1-209-172-6778-- first once a day, then twice a day then sometimes 3-4 times a day, I wasn't picking up even when home, no message left -- but damn irritating, the phone ringing so many times -- finally the other day, I was standing in the kitchen right by the phone and it rang and the Caller ID was that Invalid Caller number I recognized, as the one calling me constantly, so I picked up the phone hoping to just put an end to this...
So, I say "Hello" and there's this guy with an Indian accent, I mean East India or maybe Iran or whatever, but speaking English with a strong accent, and he says he is calling about my computer tech company. And I ask him what is the name of your company -- and he sorta says something very quick like PCTech something and says we've noticed you have slow internet connection and are getting many "error messages"...
And I say "No."
And he says, well, you do not see it, but we do. And then he wants me to go onto my computer and login... And I am sensing SCAM big time and probably should have just hung up, but I didn't and instead I said, oh? and what kind of computer do I have?
He says "Microsoft"
I say, "Sorry - I have a Macintosh" so you got the wrong person.
He says, "Macintosh is just the hardware, Microsoft is your software, and that is the problem."
And I say, "Sorry, Macintosh has it's own software. I don't have Microsoft."
And he says, "No, you are wrong."
So I tell this dude "Sorry, this is a scam."
And he says, "Well, you are an idiot."
And I say, "What?'
And then he is screaming at me, "You are STUPID AND AND IDIOT"
And I say, "What?'
And he repeats that I am "stupid" and an "idiot", and then he says, "or maybe you just having a bad day?"
And I say, I don't why I say this, but I say, "Well, every day has been bad day since my husband died."
And then he screams at me "YOU KILLED YOUR HUSBAND!"
And I say "what did you say?"
And he says, "You killed your husband because you are stupid and an idiot."
And I tell you, I am angry, freaking, mad and I yell into the phone "DON'T EVER CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN AND FUCK YOU!" and I hang up.
Still shaking, can't believe it. But shaking because I have been dealing with a lot guilt - i.e. should I have forced Bob to go to the hospital the night before he died? Would that had made any difference? And did I make a wrong decision by following Bob's wishes to NOT go the hospital that night?
I tried to call the phone number back, to make a complaint. Just got a message from Verizon that it was an "invalid phone number", so could not call back and a friend helped me figure out to block calls from that caller ID which I did...
But still --
So, I say "Hello" and there's this guy with an Indian accent, I mean East India or maybe Iran or whatever, but speaking English with a strong accent, and he says he is calling about my computer tech company. And I ask him what is the name of your company -- and he sorta says something very quick like PCTech something and says we've noticed you have slow internet connection and are getting many "error messages"...
And I say "No."
And he says, well, you do not see it, but we do. And then he wants me to go onto my computer and login... And I am sensing SCAM big time and probably should have just hung up, but I didn't and instead I said, oh? and what kind of computer do I have?
He says "Microsoft"
I say, "Sorry - I have a Macintosh" so you got the wrong person.
He says, "Macintosh is just the hardware, Microsoft is your software, and that is the problem."
And I say, "Sorry, Macintosh has it's own software. I don't have Microsoft."
And he says, "No, you are wrong."
So I tell this dude "Sorry, this is a scam."
And he says, "Well, you are an idiot."
And I say, "What?'
And then he is screaming at me, "You are STUPID AND AND IDIOT"
And I say, "What?'
And he repeats that I am "stupid" and an "idiot", and then he says, "or maybe you just having a bad day?"
And I say, I don't why I say this, but I say, "Well, every day has been bad day since my husband died."
And then he screams at me "YOU KILLED YOUR HUSBAND!"
And I say "what did you say?"
And he says, "You killed your husband because you are stupid and an idiot."
And I tell you, I am angry, freaking, mad and I yell into the phone "DON'T EVER CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN AND FUCK YOU!" and I hang up.
Still shaking, can't believe it. But shaking because I have been dealing with a lot guilt - i.e. should I have forced Bob to go to the hospital the night before he died? Would that had made any difference? And did I make a wrong decision by following Bob's wishes to NOT go the hospital that night?
I tried to call the phone number back, to make a complaint. Just got a message from Verizon that it was an "invalid phone number", so could not call back and a friend helped me figure out to block calls from that caller ID which I did...
But still --
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
And another one....
Today I got another call from the newspaper -- hello? They want to offer Robert a special offer -- reduced subscription price..... how many times does a person have to tell a company that someone is deceased???? grrrrr
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
Phone messages from the dead....
OK, so today Kona and I were in the pool and when we came in, I noticed my answering machine blinking - so after I showered, dried off, etc. I pushed the button on the answering machine to get my messages.
My phone talks (ha! new technology) and said "You have 2 new messages." and I hit play, and got one message from Walgreens (automated) that my prescription was ready for pick up, and then a second message that went like this: (2nd Message, 2:55 pm)
"Hey Di! It's, (pause) Arline Rogers. Talk to you later." Click.
Then a 3rd message from my mom, saying "call us back."
OK -- back up here, that's 3 messages not two and --- Arline Rogers? That is my dear friend, Chris, who is dead -- that's her legal name spelled "Arline" pronounced : Arleen, she always hated it and went by Chris, in fact few people knew her real legal name. The message pronounced it "Arlean" as it was pronounced. Then...
No one calls me "Di" well hardly anyone, some people started calling me "Di" after Lady Di -- Princess Diana -- but everyone knows I hate it -- and Chris would tease me with a "Hey Di!" all the time cause she knew it got my goat so to speak....
I go back and listen again, still to that same message "Hey Di!.. It's Arline Rogers. Talk to you later." Listened to it six, seven, eight + times --- still the same message, though the voice is sort of soft and hard to hear. I had to put my ear on the phone to hear it clearly...
I have caller ID and it tells me who called and what time and I scroll through that, and all I have for today is my mother and Walgreens, and nothing at 2:55 p.m. when this call came in from Chris or "Arline"--- no "unknown caller" or "out of area" caller nor any other caller at all today. Just my mom and dad's phone # and Walgreens.
Anyone ever got a phone message from a dead person? Am I going crazy? Truth be told, I am freaking out -- and the message -- it's still on my machine... but what does it mean?
My phone talks (ha! new technology) and said "You have 2 new messages." and I hit play, and got one message from Walgreens (automated) that my prescription was ready for pick up, and then a second message that went like this: (2nd Message, 2:55 pm)
"Hey Di! It's, (pause) Arline Rogers. Talk to you later." Click.
Then a 3rd message from my mom, saying "call us back."
OK -- back up here, that's 3 messages not two and --- Arline Rogers? That is my dear friend, Chris, who is dead -- that's her legal name spelled "Arline" pronounced : Arleen, she always hated it and went by Chris, in fact few people knew her real legal name. The message pronounced it "Arlean" as it was pronounced. Then...
No one calls me "Di" well hardly anyone, some people started calling me "Di" after Lady Di -- Princess Diana -- but everyone knows I hate it -- and Chris would tease me with a "Hey Di!" all the time cause she knew it got my goat so to speak....
I go back and listen again, still to that same message "Hey Di!.. It's Arline Rogers. Talk to you later." Listened to it six, seven, eight + times --- still the same message, though the voice is sort of soft and hard to hear. I had to put my ear on the phone to hear it clearly...
I have caller ID and it tells me who called and what time and I scroll through that, and all I have for today is my mother and Walgreens, and nothing at 2:55 p.m. when this call came in from Chris or "Arline"--- no "unknown caller" or "out of area" caller nor any other caller at all today. Just my mom and dad's phone # and Walgreens.
Anyone ever got a phone message from a dead person? Am I going crazy? Truth be told, I am freaking out -- and the message -- it's still on my machine... but what does it mean?
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Dead Men Don't Read Newspapers
For years Bob & I had a subscription to our local newspaper. Pre-stroke, he read the paper, front to back and loved doing the crosswords, often taking them to work to have something to do when business was slow. I loved the Arts & Literature sections, read the headline news and clipped coupons as we were always on a tight budget.
Post-stroke, Bob could no long read or do crosswords, so I changed our subscription to "Sunday only" as I could still get the coupons and, heck, it took me a full week just to read one newspaper in-between caregiving.
After Bob's death, I found I just did not have the concentration to even read the newspaper at all. And the few times I clipped some coupons, I usually ended up losing them or leaving them on the countertop when I went to the store. So I didn't renew the subscription.
And then calls kept coming and coming, and each time I explained that my husband had died and no longer wanted the subscription, yet still the calls kept coming and coming, almost daily, and I kept telling them my husband died, but the calls didn't stop to the point where a sales rep offered me a deal, $52.00 for a year, Sunday only, and I decided to take it just to stop the damn constant calls.
Imagine my shock, when the bill arrived, addressed to Bob or should I say "Robert" ... after how many, many times I told them he was dead. It really pissed me off... but I paid it thinking, well, maybe I'll will start reading it again.
So the paper has been coming every Sunday, and but all this time, I haven't read it once, and a year has passed, and it's just ended up in the recycle bin and so when I got the renewal notice in the mail addressed to "Robert", I knew what it was and didn't even bother to open it, just wrote on the envelope "Deceased, Return to Sender" and sent it back.
Immediately, the Sunday paper no longer showed up. And I thought, good. That's the end of that.
Then the calls started again -- jeepers! and at first I ignored them, actually was not sure who the number was from on my caller ID, thinking it was a telemarketer or another political robot call or survey -- but every day the same number called and finally tonight, out of frustration, picked up the phone and it was a newspaper rep telling me he "noticed" our delivery was stopped and I told him that's because my husband had died. And then he says, "Well, let me get you guys back on the plan..." and I'm thinking "you guys? didn't you just hear me? He's dead!" So I stopped him mid-sentence and said, "Excuse me, but my husband is dead and DEAD PEOPLE DON'T READ NEWSPAPERS!"
His response was "Oh!" (long pause) then "sorry. I'll make a note."
Let's see if that will work..... aargh! What's a widow to do?
Post-stroke, Bob could no long read or do crosswords, so I changed our subscription to "Sunday only" as I could still get the coupons and, heck, it took me a full week just to read one newspaper in-between caregiving.
After Bob's death, I found I just did not have the concentration to even read the newspaper at all. And the few times I clipped some coupons, I usually ended up losing them or leaving them on the countertop when I went to the store. So I didn't renew the subscription.
And then calls kept coming and coming, and each time I explained that my husband had died and no longer wanted the subscription, yet still the calls kept coming and coming, almost daily, and I kept telling them my husband died, but the calls didn't stop to the point where a sales rep offered me a deal, $52.00 for a year, Sunday only, and I decided to take it just to stop the damn constant calls.
Imagine my shock, when the bill arrived, addressed to Bob or should I say "Robert" ... after how many, many times I told them he was dead. It really pissed me off... but I paid it thinking, well, maybe I'll will start reading it again.
So the paper has been coming every Sunday, and but all this time, I haven't read it once, and a year has passed, and it's just ended up in the recycle bin and so when I got the renewal notice in the mail addressed to "Robert", I knew what it was and didn't even bother to open it, just wrote on the envelope "Deceased, Return to Sender" and sent it back.
Immediately, the Sunday paper no longer showed up. And I thought, good. That's the end of that.
Then the calls started again -- jeepers! and at first I ignored them, actually was not sure who the number was from on my caller ID, thinking it was a telemarketer or another political robot call or survey -- but every day the same number called and finally tonight, out of frustration, picked up the phone and it was a newspaper rep telling me he "noticed" our delivery was stopped and I told him that's because my husband had died. And then he says, "Well, let me get you guys back on the plan..." and I'm thinking "you guys? didn't you just hear me? He's dead!" So I stopped him mid-sentence and said, "Excuse me, but my husband is dead and DEAD PEOPLE DON'T READ NEWSPAPERS!"
His response was "Oh!" (long pause) then "sorry. I'll make a note."
Let's see if that will work..... aargh! What's a widow to do?
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Strange Days
Once again, I hate to say I've neglected my blog but July has been a freakish, stressful and busy month for me...
Including: my computer being "hacked" again. A "creditor" calling repeatedly telling me I owe $14,000 on a VISA Gold card (which I never had such a card), and an unauthorized credit on my real card -- after which the bank cancelled my only credit card and I had to wait for a new one to arrive. And the pool water features not working properly.... another service call from them.
Add to that, some stranger knocking on my door after dark and scaring the heck out of me and this happened more than once ... to the point I was crawling on the floor trying to peek out of the windows to see who was out there. And afterwards, bought and installed a security chain on my front door and motion detector lights for the front porch, and began locking my front and back gates every night. I tell you I was scared, even thinking about getting a gun, only to later talk with a neighbor who had the same experience and turns out it was some "young woman" collecting "donations to save the honeybees" -- though she only would accept "cash".... Phew! I had thought I was being targeted by someone... Sometimes it's scary living alone.... especially at night and the weather hasn't helped, a lot of loud thunderstorms rocking the house and leaving me curled up with the dog on the couch for comfort.
Of course, the locked gate one morning caused me to miss the delivery of my new credit card.
I also had a few meetings with our bank and had to make some financial decisions, a very unnerving process, which left me afterwards in tears because, the financial advisor said something to the affect of "In a perfect world, what would you invest in?" And all I could think was "in a perfect world, Bob would still be alive and I would not be sitting here." And I know that sounds idiotic, but I managed to keep it together until I got home when I had a real breakdown, a real wailing, sobbing loud breakdown, because where are you Bob, damn it, I need you.
Also went through some things to donate to a charity yard sale for a local animal rescue, and as I was digging through closets and boxes, kept running to Bob's stuff, which brought back so many memories and thoughts of plans unfilled, art sketchbooks never used, and etc. etc.... damn. His closet still filled with his clothes, though I didn't touch any of that stuff yet....
This morning I'm waiting for a fellow to come and pick up some boxes for the sale...
My stress level has been through the roof, I tell you. I find myself doing things like misplacing items, and wondering why I walked into a room -- and twice parked my car, got out and forgot to turn the engine off! Duh... My therapist is suggesting hypnosis ---- Not sure about that... would love to hear from anyone who tried hypnosis for anxiety/stress and/or grief.
On a lighter note: I've had a few nice lunch dates with women friends, saw a play and dinner after, went to one "relaxation yoga" class and may go back for another -- the class left me with a sore back, but I might try it again, knowing now what to expect...
And I got a bird feeder and seed and first only attracted acrobatic squirrels and some feisty nocturnal rats -- but am finally seeing birds... especially one red cardinal who comes by at night....
Today, I'm been feeling nauseous and nervous and not sure if it's just stress or some bug.... and I hear thunder in the distance, was hoping that by writing, it would calm me down, but whatever....
Including: my computer being "hacked" again. A "creditor" calling repeatedly telling me I owe $14,000 on a VISA Gold card (which I never had such a card), and an unauthorized credit on my real card -- after which the bank cancelled my only credit card and I had to wait for a new one to arrive. And the pool water features not working properly.... another service call from them.
Add to that, some stranger knocking on my door after dark and scaring the heck out of me and this happened more than once ... to the point I was crawling on the floor trying to peek out of the windows to see who was out there. And afterwards, bought and installed a security chain on my front door and motion detector lights for the front porch, and began locking my front and back gates every night. I tell you I was scared, even thinking about getting a gun, only to later talk with a neighbor who had the same experience and turns out it was some "young woman" collecting "donations to save the honeybees" -- though she only would accept "cash".... Phew! I had thought I was being targeted by someone... Sometimes it's scary living alone.... especially at night and the weather hasn't helped, a lot of loud thunderstorms rocking the house and leaving me curled up with the dog on the couch for comfort.
Of course, the locked gate one morning caused me to miss the delivery of my new credit card.
I also had a few meetings with our bank and had to make some financial decisions, a very unnerving process, which left me afterwards in tears because, the financial advisor said something to the affect of "In a perfect world, what would you invest in?" And all I could think was "in a perfect world, Bob would still be alive and I would not be sitting here." And I know that sounds idiotic, but I managed to keep it together until I got home when I had a real breakdown, a real wailing, sobbing loud breakdown, because where are you Bob, damn it, I need you.
Also went through some things to donate to a charity yard sale for a local animal rescue, and as I was digging through closets and boxes, kept running to Bob's stuff, which brought back so many memories and thoughts of plans unfilled, art sketchbooks never used, and etc. etc.... damn. His closet still filled with his clothes, though I didn't touch any of that stuff yet....
This morning I'm waiting for a fellow to come and pick up some boxes for the sale...
My stress level has been through the roof, I tell you. I find myself doing things like misplacing items, and wondering why I walked into a room -- and twice parked my car, got out and forgot to turn the engine off! Duh... My therapist is suggesting hypnosis ---- Not sure about that... would love to hear from anyone who tried hypnosis for anxiety/stress and/or grief.
On a lighter note: I've had a few nice lunch dates with women friends, saw a play and dinner after, went to one "relaxation yoga" class and may go back for another -- the class left me with a sore back, but I might try it again, knowing now what to expect...
And I got a bird feeder and seed and first only attracted acrobatic squirrels and some feisty nocturnal rats -- but am finally seeing birds... especially one red cardinal who comes by at night....
Today, I'm been feeling nauseous and nervous and not sure if it's just stress or some bug.... and I hear thunder in the distance, was hoping that by writing, it would calm me down, but whatever....
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
Being Creative
I'm very proud of my own "invention" -- taking this antique candy dispenser and figuring it out how to make it into a dog treat dispenser -- it took a bit of screwing around (literally with a screwdriver) but finally got it going --- it works!
Bob bought this "Acorn All Purpose Vending" dispenser years ago and it just sat around as "decor" and I finally put it use --
Only problem is Kona now has to "earn" a penny to dispense her mini-milkbone treats! ha!
Only problem is Kona now has to "earn" a penny to dispense her mini-milkbone treats! ha!
Saturday, June 30, 2018
Messages from the Spirit World
So this past week, I "attended" a webinar (which is an interactive seminar online). The title of the group event was Meditation and Messages with the Spirit World hosted by medium Jennifer Farmer.
I had received an e-mail inviting me to this event on Monday and thing was scheduled for Tuesday, 7-9 p.m. and I thought it sounded interesting and at the price of $27.00 I figured it was worth it, even if I just learned a little something new.... the event was described as "Learn how to connect to the Spirt World and communicate with your Guides, Angels and Loved Ones. Experience a powerful healing meditation and watch Jennifer share messages with random participants."
It was an interesting program, a lot of the first hour she talked about how to understand "messages" or "signals" and "signs" from the other side -- though I had to use my iPad as my desktop computer doesn't have a webcam or mike on it, and holding an iPad for two hours was a bit problematic. Then during the "meditation" Kona began snoring, loud, so that kind of broke the spell. She then did do three random readings, and of course, once again, Bob didn't show up, but while she winding the conference down she ended with a Q & A session and invited us to type in any questions and I did.
I tell you, my fingers hovered over the keyboard and I hesitated for a moment not wanting to sound like an idiot... but something had been bothering me which was when I attended a "physic/healing fair" awhile back I had a so-called medium tell me that I was "holding Bob back" from "entering the light" and he needed my "forgiveness" so he could move forward, which at the time I thought was a bunch of baloney, but it still bothered me.
So I asked my question, phrasing it "can you still connect with a loved one after they "have gone into the light"?
And the medium saw my question, and pretty much went on a diatribe about how there is only the incarnate and discarnate, one is in the physical and the other in the light, and that "yes, yes, yes!" you can connect with loved ones in the "light". Then she asked me why I was asking this particular question.
I told her what the medium told me.
She said it was "crap" and to not believe a word of it, said that though she didn't like to defame other mediums, this medium was dead wrong and made her so mad she wanted to curse. And then she said that even though she was not planning to do another reading tonight, she felt she needed to do this because she felt his spirit standing here. And she began a short reading for me, which some of the highlights are below:
"I feel you were the love of his life. And he was sick. Right? And you were his caregiver?"
"I feel he was good man and many people loved him."
"I feel something 'churchy' around him, but I'm not sure if he grew up around the church, or if he was one of those people who treat others as he would want to be treated and I feel with his illness he lost some side of his personality and he wants to apologize for that."
"And he says, "You aways made me more comfortable"
"And he shows me, I know this sounds crazy, but shows something like putting his feet up somehow, and always checking in on him and he says, 'I couldn't talk as much as I used too but I want you to know that I love you from here and from heaven and we will be together again."
"And he shows me an anniversary just passed? recently?"
"He tells me, that you wanted to go with him when he died, but he says, 'it's not your time'."
"And he tells me about your beautiful smile and your smile always lit up his side of the room and he says, 'I'd love it if you would smile more.'"
"And he shows me you still have his pillow, right? Well, you keep hanging onto that."
"He says you still talk to him every day, you keep talking to him and now be open to receiving signals from him."
"I feel like your husband has you surrounded with birds." (I tell her about the ducks.)
"Be aware that he connects through birds, but not just the ducks, because I also see other birds and I'm wondering if you can get a bird feeder or something so that you can open that door for him to have a bird come to you and stare at you through the window. But the ducks are perfect, and were also an important sign from him."
"I want to you feel relief that you are not causing him any harm or keeping him back from anything."
Like I said those were just the highlights and the reading was very short, as it was at the end of webinar and so she did it quickly and I wish I had more time to ask questions, but there was no more time -- and before anyone says, "yeah right, a lot of that could apply to anyone" let me just comment on a few coincidences:
She was "dead on" about the fact that Bob was "sick" though I don't like that word so much and that I was his caregiver. She was right about an anniversary just passed, that would be Bob's death anniversary less than a month ago. She was also right about he "couldn't talk as much as he used too" because of his aphasia. She was also right about the fact that I do still "talk" to Bob every day. And that I wanted to die after he passed, wished everyday to just not wake up and be with him.
The phrase "You were the love of my life" is a phrase Bob used to use, a lot, especially when his family treated me poorly and he used say, "I finally found the love of my life and they treat you this!" And "Don't they understand that you are the love of my life and I am finally happy."
Also the phrase about my smile, he always told me I had a "beautiful smile" and that was one of the first things that attracted him to me. He used to say "when you smile, the whole room lights up."
The "putting his feet up somehow" I think is a reference to the constant "boosting" I would do so many times daily when Bob would slip down in his medical bed and his feet would touch the footboard and at that point he would request a "boost" meaning boosting him up on the bed so his feet weren't touching footboard.
And weirdly, that very morning, while I was walking Kona, we walked by a house, that we've walked by many times before, which has a bird feeder in the front yard, and usually there are sparrows and blue jays and such but that morning I heard a loud pecking sound and stopped and looked and saw four or five wild parrots feeding on the bird feeder which made me think of Bob, the bird feeder we once had that he built and how much he loved birds and I actually thought, wow, that's so cool, maybe I should get a bird feeder. I actually had that thought that very morning.
And also that morning, I had stripped the bed and washed all the sheets and blankets etc. and when I was putting the pillowcases on the pillows I remember thinking which pillow used to be Bob's pillow? I know one of them was "his" when we did sleep in the same bed before his stroke, but since they are the same brand, I'm not sure which one was "his" and which one was "mine".....
And the other thing that struck me, was the phrase she used "his side of the room" because how would she know that we had two beds across from each other in one big room?
And another thing, long ago, before the stroke, when Bob was well, we were talking about death and what to do if one of us died before the other and Bob had said he would send me "a little bird" that would "perch" upon our porch railing and that would be a sign from him.
OK, call me crazy, but I think she tapped in on him. And he is still with me. And I should probably get a bird feeder........
PS: After I wrote this, I decided to look for some pictures. Below are pictures of "our birds" and the bird feeder we used to have, we had doves eating out of our hands, literally and I can see why Bob would "connect through birds" in spirit:
I had received an e-mail inviting me to this event on Monday and thing was scheduled for Tuesday, 7-9 p.m. and I thought it sounded interesting and at the price of $27.00 I figured it was worth it, even if I just learned a little something new.... the event was described as "Learn how to connect to the Spirt World and communicate with your Guides, Angels and Loved Ones. Experience a powerful healing meditation and watch Jennifer share messages with random participants."
It was an interesting program, a lot of the first hour she talked about how to understand "messages" or "signals" and "signs" from the other side -- though I had to use my iPad as my desktop computer doesn't have a webcam or mike on it, and holding an iPad for two hours was a bit problematic. Then during the "meditation" Kona began snoring, loud, so that kind of broke the spell. She then did do three random readings, and of course, once again, Bob didn't show up, but while she winding the conference down she ended with a Q & A session and invited us to type in any questions and I did.
I tell you, my fingers hovered over the keyboard and I hesitated for a moment not wanting to sound like an idiot... but something had been bothering me which was when I attended a "physic/healing fair" awhile back I had a so-called medium tell me that I was "holding Bob back" from "entering the light" and he needed my "forgiveness" so he could move forward, which at the time I thought was a bunch of baloney, but it still bothered me.
So I asked my question, phrasing it "can you still connect with a loved one after they "have gone into the light"?
And the medium saw my question, and pretty much went on a diatribe about how there is only the incarnate and discarnate, one is in the physical and the other in the light, and that "yes, yes, yes!" you can connect with loved ones in the "light". Then she asked me why I was asking this particular question.
I told her what the medium told me.
She said it was "crap" and to not believe a word of it, said that though she didn't like to defame other mediums, this medium was dead wrong and made her so mad she wanted to curse. And then she said that even though she was not planning to do another reading tonight, she felt she needed to do this because she felt his spirit standing here. And she began a short reading for me, which some of the highlights are below:
"I feel you were the love of his life. And he was sick. Right? And you were his caregiver?"
"I feel he was good man and many people loved him."
"I feel something 'churchy' around him, but I'm not sure if he grew up around the church, or if he was one of those people who treat others as he would want to be treated and I feel with his illness he lost some side of his personality and he wants to apologize for that."
"And he says, "You aways made me more comfortable"
"And he shows me, I know this sounds crazy, but shows something like putting his feet up somehow, and always checking in on him and he says, 'I couldn't talk as much as I used too but I want you to know that I love you from here and from heaven and we will be together again."
"And he shows me an anniversary just passed? recently?"
"He tells me, that you wanted to go with him when he died, but he says, 'it's not your time'."
"And he tells me about your beautiful smile and your smile always lit up his side of the room and he says, 'I'd love it if you would smile more.'"
"And he shows me you still have his pillow, right? Well, you keep hanging onto that."
"He says you still talk to him every day, you keep talking to him and now be open to receiving signals from him."
"I feel like your husband has you surrounded with birds." (I tell her about the ducks.)
"Be aware that he connects through birds, but not just the ducks, because I also see other birds and I'm wondering if you can get a bird feeder or something so that you can open that door for him to have a bird come to you and stare at you through the window. But the ducks are perfect, and were also an important sign from him."
"I want to you feel relief that you are not causing him any harm or keeping him back from anything."
Like I said those were just the highlights and the reading was very short, as it was at the end of webinar and so she did it quickly and I wish I had more time to ask questions, but there was no more time -- and before anyone says, "yeah right, a lot of that could apply to anyone" let me just comment on a few coincidences:
She was "dead on" about the fact that Bob was "sick" though I don't like that word so much and that I was his caregiver. She was right about an anniversary just passed, that would be Bob's death anniversary less than a month ago. She was also right about he "couldn't talk as much as he used too" because of his aphasia. She was also right about the fact that I do still "talk" to Bob every day. And that I wanted to die after he passed, wished everyday to just not wake up and be with him.
The phrase "You were the love of my life" is a phrase Bob used to use, a lot, especially when his family treated me poorly and he used say, "I finally found the love of my life and they treat you this!" And "Don't they understand that you are the love of my life and I am finally happy."
Also the phrase about my smile, he always told me I had a "beautiful smile" and that was one of the first things that attracted him to me. He used to say "when you smile, the whole room lights up."
The "putting his feet up somehow" I think is a reference to the constant "boosting" I would do so many times daily when Bob would slip down in his medical bed and his feet would touch the footboard and at that point he would request a "boost" meaning boosting him up on the bed so his feet weren't touching footboard.
And weirdly, that very morning, while I was walking Kona, we walked by a house, that we've walked by many times before, which has a bird feeder in the front yard, and usually there are sparrows and blue jays and such but that morning I heard a loud pecking sound and stopped and looked and saw four or five wild parrots feeding on the bird feeder which made me think of Bob, the bird feeder we once had that he built and how much he loved birds and I actually thought, wow, that's so cool, maybe I should get a bird feeder. I actually had that thought that very morning.
And also that morning, I had stripped the bed and washed all the sheets and blankets etc. and when I was putting the pillowcases on the pillows I remember thinking which pillow used to be Bob's pillow? I know one of them was "his" when we did sleep in the same bed before his stroke, but since they are the same brand, I'm not sure which one was "his" and which one was "mine".....
And the other thing that struck me, was the phrase she used "his side of the room" because how would she know that we had two beds across from each other in one big room?
And another thing, long ago, before the stroke, when Bob was well, we were talking about death and what to do if one of us died before the other and Bob had said he would send me "a little bird" that would "perch" upon our porch railing and that would be a sign from him.
OK, call me crazy, but I think she tapped in on him. And he is still with me. And I should probably get a bird feeder........
PS: After I wrote this, I decided to look for some pictures. Below are pictures of "our birds" and the bird feeder we used to have, we had doves eating out of our hands, literally and I can see why Bob would "connect through birds" in spirit:
 |
| We called this white dove "Oscar". |
 |
| Bob with rock doves. |
 |
| The bird feeder Bob built, those are ringed neck turtle doves. |
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Reading, Swimming, Trying To Get My Act Together
I know this blog has been quiet. It's been a hard and hectic time here at The Pink House. Bob's death anniversary threw me into an emotional loop and add to that house maintenance issues, including a dead "salt cell" in the pool, which unbeknownst to me, made the water so caustic that my hair turned brittle and began to fall out...
Add dentists and shrink and therapy appointments. A pesky debt collector calling insisting I owe $14,000 on a "gold" VISA card -- I've never owned a gold card of any sort -- so I turned that mess over to my lawyer, but do think it's some kind of scam. Not to mention a ton of telemarketers and election survey calls -- my phone is always ringing, driving me batty, even though I don't pick up if I don't know the caller ID number, I still get messages on the machine. And add my lawn maintenance guy with legal issues and not being able to do his job....
I've been a bit of a wreck. And also exhausted.
My therapist says, "Be kind to yourself."
So I am trying. Been reading a lot. Just finished "The Afterlife Revolution" and working through "Bridging Two Realms" and "365 Ways to Raise Your Frequency", the latter given to me by my therapist. The thinking behind all of this is to awaken and raise your vibration, thus making it possible to communicate, telepathically, with the spirit world.
Call me crazy. But I can hear Bob saying, "whatever" even as I write this....
I've also been working on meditation and sensing auras, neither is easy, but they say it takes time and patience. Unfortunately, though I have time, I'm not so good with the "patience" part... And I have trouble, after so many years of "noise", Bob always wanting the radio or TV on, then the beeping of medical equipment, I have trouble dealing with a house that seems suddenly so very quiet, too quiet.
Today, for the first time since Bob's death, I took the dog for an early morning walk. Something I used to always do when Bob was alive, as it was the only time I could really get out of the house. I would go after disconnecting his nightly feeding pump and giving him morning meds, I would take Boomer out at the crack of dawn, while Bob listened to "rock and roll" on the radio (LOUDER, his request always before I left the house) and then he would do his leg exercises in bed. It wasn't a long walk, because I couldn't leave Bob alone that long, but it was always a relaxing part of the day. And when I arrived back home, I was always greeted with a "Phew!" from Bob, letting me know he got his exercises done...
I'd forgotten how tranquil it is in the early dawn, with the sun just beginning to rise, birds beginning to sing.... though it's beginning to get too hot and humid for a long walk, even in the morning.
Two weeks without the pool (under repair) was stressful. I was up to 120 laps and now, that I can get back into it, I'm only hitting 80... lost a bit of strength, I guess... along with some of my hair....
My memoir about 1/3 through -- rough draft.... though I haven't written much lately. Will try to "begin again" with it this week.
Just priming my fingertips here in preparation for that next jump....
Add dentists and shrink and therapy appointments. A pesky debt collector calling insisting I owe $14,000 on a "gold" VISA card -- I've never owned a gold card of any sort -- so I turned that mess over to my lawyer, but do think it's some kind of scam. Not to mention a ton of telemarketers and election survey calls -- my phone is always ringing, driving me batty, even though I don't pick up if I don't know the caller ID number, I still get messages on the machine. And add my lawn maintenance guy with legal issues and not being able to do his job....
I've been a bit of a wreck. And also exhausted.
My therapist says, "Be kind to yourself."
So I am trying. Been reading a lot. Just finished "The Afterlife Revolution" and working through "Bridging Two Realms" and "365 Ways to Raise Your Frequency", the latter given to me by my therapist. The thinking behind all of this is to awaken and raise your vibration, thus making it possible to communicate, telepathically, with the spirit world.
Call me crazy. But I can hear Bob saying, "whatever" even as I write this....
I've also been working on meditation and sensing auras, neither is easy, but they say it takes time and patience. Unfortunately, though I have time, I'm not so good with the "patience" part... And I have trouble, after so many years of "noise", Bob always wanting the radio or TV on, then the beeping of medical equipment, I have trouble dealing with a house that seems suddenly so very quiet, too quiet.
Today, for the first time since Bob's death, I took the dog for an early morning walk. Something I used to always do when Bob was alive, as it was the only time I could really get out of the house. I would go after disconnecting his nightly feeding pump and giving him morning meds, I would take Boomer out at the crack of dawn, while Bob listened to "rock and roll" on the radio (LOUDER, his request always before I left the house) and then he would do his leg exercises in bed. It wasn't a long walk, because I couldn't leave Bob alone that long, but it was always a relaxing part of the day. And when I arrived back home, I was always greeted with a "Phew!" from Bob, letting me know he got his exercises done...
I'd forgotten how tranquil it is in the early dawn, with the sun just beginning to rise, birds beginning to sing.... though it's beginning to get too hot and humid for a long walk, even in the morning.
Two weeks without the pool (under repair) was stressful. I was up to 120 laps and now, that I can get back into it, I'm only hitting 80... lost a bit of strength, I guess... along with some of my hair....
My memoir about 1/3 through -- rough draft.... though I haven't written much lately. Will try to "begin again" with it this week.
Just priming my fingertips here in preparation for that next jump....
Monday, May 28, 2018
May 28th
This is how I like to imagine him, on the other side, with Zenith (our beloved Siamese) on his shoulder.
Zenith followed him, died two weeks later.
God, Bob loved that cat so much, and she loved him. Had to pull her off his dead body -- on the stretcher while they took his body out the door, and then she struggled out of my arms and ran to follow him... and I had to grab her, so she wouldn't run out the door...
Miss you, love you, so much, sweetheart. My heart still breaks, everyday.
And miss you, love you too, Zenith....
Saturday, May 26, 2018
Gloomy Holiday Ahead
So, the "tropical depression" has been upgraded to a "named tropical storm", Alberto, which is heading our direction. We are now under a "tropical storm warning".
And it's not even "Hurricane Season" yet. That's not supposed to start until June....
I am stocked up to "hunker down" as we expect a lot of rain and wind. That means dog food, cat food, vodka and cheese puffs for me. ha!
On top of the clouds, rain and storm, Monday will mark 3 years since Bob's death.
I have been dreading this anniversary for more than a month, though my therapist says this is a "normal" reaction to this upcoming "anniversary".
"Normal." What a word... But "normal" to feel like it's all happening again. "Normal" to wake each day and think, "Bob was alive, today, 3 years ago." Until Monday, which is also Memorial Day, when it will be "Bob died three years ago this morning."
Jeepers. Seems like just yesterday.
I still miss him with all my heart.
And this weather is certainly not helping.
The sky weeps. The wind wails. Darkness fills the house during the day.
This weather, which is already beginning today, is expected to last through Memorial Day, and we will still be feeling the effects well into next week....
And it's not even "Hurricane Season" yet. That's not supposed to start until June....
I am stocked up to "hunker down" as we expect a lot of rain and wind. That means dog food, cat food, vodka and cheese puffs for me. ha!
On top of the clouds, rain and storm, Monday will mark 3 years since Bob's death.
I have been dreading this anniversary for more than a month, though my therapist says this is a "normal" reaction to this upcoming "anniversary".
"Normal." What a word... But "normal" to feel like it's all happening again. "Normal" to wake each day and think, "Bob was alive, today, 3 years ago." Until Monday, which is also Memorial Day, when it will be "Bob died three years ago this morning."
Jeepers. Seems like just yesterday.
I still miss him with all my heart.
And this weather is certainly not helping.
The sky weeps. The wind wails. Darkness fills the house during the day.
This weather, which is already beginning today, is expected to last through Memorial Day, and we will still be feeling the effects well into next week....
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Tropical Depression
Which is our weather forecast and that amounts to lots of rain and dreary, gloomy days.... doesn't help one's mood.
Been a few tough weeks for me. Went to a "Grief Healing Retreat" earlier this month, a one day affair which I hoped would teach us coping techniques. Went with two of my widow friends. So that part was nice.
There were about 30 people there, two men, the rest women. As they began the retreat, I notice, once again, I am pretty much the youngest person in the room, with the exception of the one guy who lost his mother. The beginning "introductions" included a woman reading that poem/song/bible verse about "a reason for every season, a time to live and time die," you know the one and I began to "dissociate" (as my shrink calls it) so I took the advice of my therapist, who said when this begins to happen, I should try to "touch" things, concrete things, to pull myself back to realty. So I fled. To the bathroom, thought I was going to puke, fortunately didn't, then just clung to the sink, ran the water, touched the water, took deep breaths, then tried to open my little box for some Xanax, couldn't get it open. Fortunately, one of my friends came in to check on me, and she got the box open. Took some Xanax and returned to the conference room, much calmer.
Then we broke out into groups for different workshops. The first one was to walk a labyrinth which was in a darkened room. I'd never done such a thing before and the woman presenting the workshop explained that it was an "ancient sacred space" and used for centuries and used to "center" oneself, release stress and anxiety and "open" yourself to receive life's gifts.
Sounded good.
When it was my turn, I found myself first very dizzy, and worried I would fall down. We were told to be "quiet and reflective" through the process. At the center, we were to stop and "open" ourselves and "let go" of our negative emotions, then begin the way back. On the way back, for some darn reason, I thought I was lost and would never get out and I began giggling, trying to stifle it, but you know how that goes, and pretty soon I am uncontrollably laughing and can't stop. Very strange. I think I sort of blew that experience for some in the group.
Then there was "music therapy" which was not all what I expected. I expected, I guess, to be taught ways to use music to "heal" instead, the man leading the group gave us all a piece of paper with the lyrics based on Stevie Wonder's song "I Just Called to Say I Love You" adapted to "I Just Want to Say I Love You" and the words, with blanks left open for us to write on, beginning with "Remember when we'd: __________ without you, just isn't the same." Then, "I miss your _____, your ______" and "No one can replace that _________ side of you."
Mine went like this "Remember when we'd drive to the beach, car windows rolled down, radio blaring, wind in our hair, the beach without you just isn't the same. And memories are all I have today. I miss your face, your voice. No one can replace that wonderful side of you. So I what I feel is something true.... and it ends with I just want to say I love you, I just want to show how much I care, I just want to say I love you and I mean it from the bottom of my heart."
And then the man leading the group, took up his guitar, and sang each of our songs.
I tell you, when he did this, there was not a dry eye in the room. And later, that night, just thinking about the "music therapy", I had a total breakdown. That wailing, sobbing, snot running down your chin, can't stop kind of breakdown.
So much for "healing"... The workshop did end with some beneficial meditation techniques and a butterfly release, which was lovely.... but still....
Since then, I've been pretty depressed, sort of counting the days until Bob's death anniversary (28th of this month) and this darn Tropical Depression certainly does not help. Nor does it help that I accidentally "blew up" my pool -- I kid you not. Well I didn't blow up the actual pool, just the pump when I went to turn off the solar heat, I did something wrong and the next thing I know is I've got a geyser of water shooting in the air behind our house. So haven't been able to use the pool for more than a week now and that's the one thing that reduces my stress and relaxes me. Waiting for the technician who is supposed to be here sometime today and hate to think what the bill is going to be... but hope he gets here soon, because the rain has been filling the pool to the brim and will surely overflow and I can't drain it without the pump running and certainly do not want my back yard flooded.
Just another day, here at The Pink House....
Been a few tough weeks for me. Went to a "Grief Healing Retreat" earlier this month, a one day affair which I hoped would teach us coping techniques. Went with two of my widow friends. So that part was nice.
There were about 30 people there, two men, the rest women. As they began the retreat, I notice, once again, I am pretty much the youngest person in the room, with the exception of the one guy who lost his mother. The beginning "introductions" included a woman reading that poem/song/bible verse about "a reason for every season, a time to live and time die," you know the one and I began to "dissociate" (as my shrink calls it) so I took the advice of my therapist, who said when this begins to happen, I should try to "touch" things, concrete things, to pull myself back to realty. So I fled. To the bathroom, thought I was going to puke, fortunately didn't, then just clung to the sink, ran the water, touched the water, took deep breaths, then tried to open my little box for some Xanax, couldn't get it open. Fortunately, one of my friends came in to check on me, and she got the box open. Took some Xanax and returned to the conference room, much calmer.
Then we broke out into groups for different workshops. The first one was to walk a labyrinth which was in a darkened room. I'd never done such a thing before and the woman presenting the workshop explained that it was an "ancient sacred space" and used for centuries and used to "center" oneself, release stress and anxiety and "open" yourself to receive life's gifts.
Sounded good.
When it was my turn, I found myself first very dizzy, and worried I would fall down. We were told to be "quiet and reflective" through the process. At the center, we were to stop and "open" ourselves and "let go" of our negative emotions, then begin the way back. On the way back, for some darn reason, I thought I was lost and would never get out and I began giggling, trying to stifle it, but you know how that goes, and pretty soon I am uncontrollably laughing and can't stop. Very strange. I think I sort of blew that experience for some in the group.
Then there was "music therapy" which was not all what I expected. I expected, I guess, to be taught ways to use music to "heal" instead, the man leading the group gave us all a piece of paper with the lyrics based on Stevie Wonder's song "I Just Called to Say I Love You" adapted to "I Just Want to Say I Love You" and the words, with blanks left open for us to write on, beginning with "Remember when we'd: __________ without you, just isn't the same." Then, "I miss your _____, your ______" and "No one can replace that _________ side of you."
Mine went like this "Remember when we'd drive to the beach, car windows rolled down, radio blaring, wind in our hair, the beach without you just isn't the same. And memories are all I have today. I miss your face, your voice. No one can replace that wonderful side of you. So I what I feel is something true.... and it ends with I just want to say I love you, I just want to show how much I care, I just want to say I love you and I mean it from the bottom of my heart."
And then the man leading the group, took up his guitar, and sang each of our songs.
I tell you, when he did this, there was not a dry eye in the room. And later, that night, just thinking about the "music therapy", I had a total breakdown. That wailing, sobbing, snot running down your chin, can't stop kind of breakdown.
So much for "healing"... The workshop did end with some beneficial meditation techniques and a butterfly release, which was lovely.... but still....
Since then, I've been pretty depressed, sort of counting the days until Bob's death anniversary (28th of this month) and this darn Tropical Depression certainly does not help. Nor does it help that I accidentally "blew up" my pool -- I kid you not. Well I didn't blow up the actual pool, just the pump when I went to turn off the solar heat, I did something wrong and the next thing I know is I've got a geyser of water shooting in the air behind our house. So haven't been able to use the pool for more than a week now and that's the one thing that reduces my stress and relaxes me. Waiting for the technician who is supposed to be here sometime today and hate to think what the bill is going to be... but hope he gets here soon, because the rain has been filling the pool to the brim and will surely overflow and I can't drain it without the pump running and certainly do not want my back yard flooded.
Just another day, here at The Pink House....
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
I did it....
Installed the new phone, had read all the directions, then unplugged our old phone with our greeting on it, then plugged in the new phone with 2 extensions, running the wires for the extensions, etc., etc. and put our old phone in a box and put it in the closet...
and then sat down and I cried and cried and cried.... tried to call a couple people, no one answered... watched some TV -- ate too much... did go for my daily swim...
shoot.... still crying...
"Life sucks then you die"
-- that's a quote Bob used to say (with a laugh)....
hard sad day, all around...
And I wonder, Why am I still here?
and then sat down and I cried and cried and cried.... tried to call a couple people, no one answered... watched some TV -- ate too much... did go for my daily swim...
shoot.... still crying...
"Life sucks then you die"
-- that's a quote Bob used to say (with a laugh)....
hard sad day, all around...
And I wonder, Why am I still here?
Saturday, April 28, 2018
More Baby Steps...
Today, they had the annual "drop off" unused narcotics day at our local police station. And I still had some Fentanyl patches in the cupboard. So I took them to the police station and dropped them off. And got back into the car and broke down in tears....
And another thing, been going on, is our cordless phone is "dying" -- and I've not changed the "greeting" message at all since Bob died.
A little backstory -- our former cordless phone "died" after Bob's stroke. It still had the "greeting" with Bob's voice sounding perfectly normal and when the phone died, we went and bought a new one and I thought, jeepers, I'll have to record the "greeting" and then, had a "brilliant" idea, because Bob was still here and maybe he could record a greeting.
So I worked a simple script for him. And of course, with his aphasia, he kept screwing it up. So I finally thought, okay, we can do one of those "cute couple's" messages, you know the ones, where two are talking saying "Hi, this is Diane and" and the other says "Bob" and figured all he needed to remember was his name and after I say "leave a message", he was supposed to say "Bye" at the end.
We tried this, I don't know, 16-20 times, and he kept screwing up, to the point we were both laughing so hard, then finally when re-recording he got the"Bob" part right! Yay! -- but when it was time to say "Bye" he said "Diane" instead and I started laughing, he was laughing then silent and finally said Bye bye -- and when I played it back Bob said "That's funny!" so I kept it plus I was tired... and I figured there was time to retry again.. but we never did.
And after he died I just kept that last "greeting" on our answering machine... Bob and me, laughing.... jeepers. The good old, bad old times... and I couldn't bare to erase it.
Some people have told me "never change it!" and that it's beautiful and makes them laugh but others have told me "it's morbid" as he's dead, and then others (like my pool cleaning service) were surprised and confused, thinking Bob was still here....
So I guess, it's time to change the greeting... jeepers will be 3 years next month... But I still didn't want erase that old message, felt so much erasing another part of Bob...
And as the phone has been acting up, ready to die -- I went from the police station dropped off the patches then, in tears, drove to Best Buy, and got a new cordless phone, because I don't want to lose that 'greeting' message, figuring if I "save" the phone it before it dies, I will always have that recording to listen to and maybe can get that recording transferred to a flash drive or something.
Today, I experimented using my TracPhone to call our number and my camera to record the greeting message: Here it is: hope you can hear it! Click to enlarge if you can't hear it... and to those of you who are used to calling me, there will probably be a bland automated greeting, soon... but know you got the right number...
And another thing, been going on, is our cordless phone is "dying" -- and I've not changed the "greeting" message at all since Bob died.
A little backstory -- our former cordless phone "died" after Bob's stroke. It still had the "greeting" with Bob's voice sounding perfectly normal and when the phone died, we went and bought a new one and I thought, jeepers, I'll have to record the "greeting" and then, had a "brilliant" idea, because Bob was still here and maybe he could record a greeting.
So I worked a simple script for him. And of course, with his aphasia, he kept screwing it up. So I finally thought, okay, we can do one of those "cute couple's" messages, you know the ones, where two are talking saying "Hi, this is Diane and" and the other says "Bob" and figured all he needed to remember was his name and after I say "leave a message", he was supposed to say "Bye" at the end.
We tried this, I don't know, 16-20 times, and he kept screwing up, to the point we were both laughing so hard, then finally when re-recording he got the"Bob" part right! Yay! -- but when it was time to say "Bye" he said "Diane" instead and I started laughing, he was laughing then silent and finally said Bye bye -- and when I played it back Bob said "That's funny!" so I kept it plus I was tired... and I figured there was time to retry again.. but we never did.
And after he died I just kept that last "greeting" on our answering machine... Bob and me, laughing.... jeepers. The good old, bad old times... and I couldn't bare to erase it.
Some people have told me "never change it!" and that it's beautiful and makes them laugh but others have told me "it's morbid" as he's dead, and then others (like my pool cleaning service) were surprised and confused, thinking Bob was still here....
So I guess, it's time to change the greeting... jeepers will be 3 years next month... But I still didn't want erase that old message, felt so much erasing another part of Bob...
And as the phone has been acting up, ready to die -- I went from the police station dropped off the patches then, in tears, drove to Best Buy, and got a new cordless phone, because I don't want to lose that 'greeting' message, figuring if I "save" the phone it before it dies, I will always have that recording to listen to and maybe can get that recording transferred to a flash drive or something.
Today, I experimented using my TracPhone to call our number and my camera to record the greeting message: Here it is: hope you can hear it! Click to enlarge if you can't hear it... and to those of you who are used to calling me, there will probably be a bland automated greeting, soon... but know you got the right number...
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Mourning
"Mourning" I like that word, better than "grieving". Softer word, I don't why people don't use it anymore. The Victorians had it right, a whole protocol on "mourning" which involved black draped windows and mirrors and a black wreath at the door, so everyone would know a tragedy had occurred -- then there was the dress "code".
Proper mourning periods in the Victorian period were as follows:
Okay, the last one sucks and is sexist... I admit!
"Deep mourning" was the first year after a husband died. Victorian widows in "deep mourning" wore black crepe dresses without trimmings. Plain black crepe veils were worn covering their faces. The veils were worn with wider hems at the beginning of the deep mourning period. Crepe, in it's finest form, is a very fragile material, tends to shred, tear easily and also black crepe will turn brown after much wear. This tattered, brown appearance lead to the phrase "widow's weeds".
After a year, the widow could discard crepe as a fabric, but still dressed in all black be it silk or satin or serge. But black, unbroken by any color. She would not wear jewels or any embellishment considered too frivolous.
After 18 months, the widow entered "half mourning" which meant she could wear black dresses trimmed with black ribbons or black lace, as well as white cuffs or a white collar. Other suitable trimmings included black embroidery, bands of black velvet, jet or black beads -- but these must be "dull" in color.
It was not suitable for a widow to go out socially during "deep mourning".
Okay, you all are wondering why am I writing this --- those who know me well, know that I have always loved the Victorian era and wrote and published a book on Victorian fashion, which I started collecting in my teenage years and am considered somewhat of an "expert" on...
But also, I am writing this because the Victorians had it right in many ways (except the widower thing, ha!). By wearing mourning dress, people actually understood what the person was going through and treated that person with respect, gentleness and care. No one would dare say such things as "get over it", "go on with your life", etc. etc.
And I do wish we had some such signal today. Just to let people know that I am in "mourning", so please be gentle and kind.
"Mourning" went out of fashion during WWI, when the president asked the nation to stop the custom as it made for "too gloomy of a home front" for returning soldiers.
Another word I love is "melancholy" so much better than "sad" or "down" or "depressed". One of my all time favorite poems, by Tennyson is this untitled sonnet:
I just wish more people understood. I am in mourning and sometimes give up wholly to mild-minded melancholy. It's a totally normal reaction to what I've been though.
And thank you Vindi Vin for the link you left in your comment, which finally explained a question I just asked my therapist last week (she couldn't answer it): what is the difference between "pain" and "suffering"? and that article said "Pain + Resistance = Suffering".
Makes sense to me. In other words, you need to "feel it to heal it". So -- excuse me if I linger a bit in my mourning process.
Wish black crepe and black veils were still in fashion....
Proper mourning periods in the Victorian period were as follows:
Death of husband: 30 months
Death of parent: 24 months
Death of grandparent: 9 months
Death of child: 9 months
Death of sibling: 6 months
Death of aunt/uncle: 3 months
Death of wife: 3 months
Okay, the last one sucks and is sexist... I admit!
"Deep mourning" was the first year after a husband died. Victorian widows in "deep mourning" wore black crepe dresses without trimmings. Plain black crepe veils were worn covering their faces. The veils were worn with wider hems at the beginning of the deep mourning period. Crepe, in it's finest form, is a very fragile material, tends to shred, tear easily and also black crepe will turn brown after much wear. This tattered, brown appearance lead to the phrase "widow's weeds".
After a year, the widow could discard crepe as a fabric, but still dressed in all black be it silk or satin or serge. But black, unbroken by any color. She would not wear jewels or any embellishment considered too frivolous.
After 18 months, the widow entered "half mourning" which meant she could wear black dresses trimmed with black ribbons or black lace, as well as white cuffs or a white collar. Other suitable trimmings included black embroidery, bands of black velvet, jet or black beads -- but these must be "dull" in color.
It was not suitable for a widow to go out socially during "deep mourning".
Okay, you all are wondering why am I writing this --- those who know me well, know that I have always loved the Victorian era and wrote and published a book on Victorian fashion, which I started collecting in my teenage years and am considered somewhat of an "expert" on...
But also, I am writing this because the Victorians had it right in many ways (except the widower thing, ha!). By wearing mourning dress, people actually understood what the person was going through and treated that person with respect, gentleness and care. No one would dare say such things as "get over it", "go on with your life", etc. etc.
And I do wish we had some such signal today. Just to let people know that I am in "mourning", so please be gentle and kind.
"Mourning" went out of fashion during WWI, when the president asked the nation to stop the custom as it made for "too gloomy of a home front" for returning soldiers.
Another word I love is "melancholy" so much better than "sad" or "down" or "depressed". One of my all time favorite poems, by Tennyson is this untitled sonnet:
Check every out flash, every rudder sally
Of thought and speech; speak low and give up wholly
Thy spirit to mild-minded melancholy:
This is the place. Through yonder polar valley
Below the blue-green river windeth slowly;
But in the middle of the somber valley
The crisped waters whisper musically,
And all the haunted place is dark and holy
The nightingale, with long and low preamble,
Warbled from yonder knoll of solemn larches
And in and out the woodbine's flowery arches
The summer midges wove their wanton gambol
And all the white stemmed pinewood slept above
When in this place, first, I told my love.
I just wish more people understood. I am in mourning and sometimes give up wholly to mild-minded melancholy. It's a totally normal reaction to what I've been though.
And thank you Vindi Vin for the link you left in your comment, which finally explained a question I just asked my therapist last week (she couldn't answer it): what is the difference between "pain" and "suffering"? and that article said "Pain + Resistance = Suffering".
Makes sense to me. In other words, you need to "feel it to heal it". So -- excuse me if I linger a bit in my mourning process.
Wish black crepe and black veils were still in fashion....
Monday, April 2, 2018
Widow's Brain and other Grief Symptoms
Yes, I'm going to write about grief, because it seems no one wants to talk about it. Our society seems to think of grief as something that can be "fixed" or "gotten over" in a short period of time, but I tell you, I still suffer.
Symptoms like "Widow's Brain" -- an inability to concentrate, forgetfulness, disorientation. I can't count the number of times I've left the house to walk dog, only to find on returning, that I pocketed my car key instead of the house key and locked myself out of the house. (Now I keep a spare key hidden outside.) I still often can't remember what day it is, or month, and have to actually look up the date on the computer. The other day, I took the dog for a walk and on returning home noticed I was wearing two different shoes! And if that wasn't bad enough, one was a grey sneaker and the other a brown slipper, and add to that I was wearing the "right" slipper on my left foot. Yeah, I wondered why my feet hurt while walking, and thought it was because my shoes were getting old.
I still cry.
I still scream at the walls.
I still have difficulty sleeping. Difficulty driving. Anxiety attacks.
I still wear our wedding rings.
I still feel like I'm living in a dream.
People say I should be "over it", and "let it go", and offer all sorts of well intentioned advice such as "volunteer" or "take a trip", join a club, etc. But when you are grieving it's not about "fixing" something, it's not about avoiding your feelings by staying busy or helping others, because death cannot be "fixed" and feelings pushed aside have ways of coming out. As someone once said, "you have to feel it in order to heal it."
Grief is a journey. A journey of the heart. A heart that has been broken into a million pieces. And, truth be told, it sucks.
Everyone deals with it in their own way.
This is my way. I own it.
That doesn't mean I like it. It means I am dealing with it in my own way. And I am doing the things I feel are right for me.
Seeing a therapist.
Swimming daily 120 laps. (OK, I admit my pool is small.)
Getting out of bed in the morning, even when I don't want to.
Writing my memoir.
Meeting up, occasionally, with friends for lunch or going to a play or movie.
These things take strength. Some days I have more strength then others. Some days, I do not cry. Some nights, I sleep better.
I am reading a book suggested to me by my therapist. It's called It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn't understand by Megan Devine. I'm glad my therapist suggested it, because now I don't feel like I'm going crazy. Or that I'm "taking too long". Or that something is wrong with me. I'm just still grieving. I lost the love of my life. Grief is a normal reaction a loss that huge, and it's okay to talk about it and write about it.
And this journey is going to take some time.
I miss him, every single day.
And that's OK.
PS: Kona back to her usual nutty self! Such a relief...
Symptoms like "Widow's Brain" -- an inability to concentrate, forgetfulness, disorientation. I can't count the number of times I've left the house to walk dog, only to find on returning, that I pocketed my car key instead of the house key and locked myself out of the house. (Now I keep a spare key hidden outside.) I still often can't remember what day it is, or month, and have to actually look up the date on the computer. The other day, I took the dog for a walk and on returning home noticed I was wearing two different shoes! And if that wasn't bad enough, one was a grey sneaker and the other a brown slipper, and add to that I was wearing the "right" slipper on my left foot. Yeah, I wondered why my feet hurt while walking, and thought it was because my shoes were getting old.
I still cry.
I still scream at the walls.
I still have difficulty sleeping. Difficulty driving. Anxiety attacks.
I still wear our wedding rings.
I still feel like I'm living in a dream.
People say I should be "over it", and "let it go", and offer all sorts of well intentioned advice such as "volunteer" or "take a trip", join a club, etc. But when you are grieving it's not about "fixing" something, it's not about avoiding your feelings by staying busy or helping others, because death cannot be "fixed" and feelings pushed aside have ways of coming out. As someone once said, "you have to feel it in order to heal it."
Grief is a journey. A journey of the heart. A heart that has been broken into a million pieces. And, truth be told, it sucks.
Everyone deals with it in their own way.
This is my way. I own it.
That doesn't mean I like it. It means I am dealing with it in my own way. And I am doing the things I feel are right for me.
Seeing a therapist.
Swimming daily 120 laps. (OK, I admit my pool is small.)
Getting out of bed in the morning, even when I don't want to.
Writing my memoir.
Meeting up, occasionally, with friends for lunch or going to a play or movie.
These things take strength. Some days I have more strength then others. Some days, I do not cry. Some nights, I sleep better.
I am reading a book suggested to me by my therapist. It's called It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn't understand by Megan Devine. I'm glad my therapist suggested it, because now I don't feel like I'm going crazy. Or that I'm "taking too long". Or that something is wrong with me. I'm just still grieving. I lost the love of my life. Grief is a normal reaction a loss that huge, and it's okay to talk about it and write about it.
And this journey is going to take some time.
I miss him, every single day.
And that's OK.
PS: Kona back to her usual nutty self! Such a relief...
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Quick Kona Update
Since people are asking - and thank you all for your caring and concern. Kona is doing better -- diarrhea gone, but she is still not 100%. Sleeps a lot, drinks a lot, and the other day when I got her tennis balls out, she was very excited at first, but after two or three throws, she was pooped out.
Vet says if her lethargy continues, may have to run a blood test, I think she said complete blood panel (or something like that) -- to see if anything else is wrong. Right now, Kona is still on medication. I'm thinking, give her some time...
Did take her to the grocery store the other day -- needed supplies (necessities, you know dog food/cat food/vodka-- that latter for mom, ha!) though I was a bit worried that she may have an accident in the store. By law, as she is a certified Service Dog, I have to carry bags and wipes (in case of liquid accidents) and do carry those but have never had to use them before and thank god, didn't have to use them this time. She was well behaved, no accidents, but was very tired when we got home.
So a quiet week here, recovering, at the Pink House....
Vet says if her lethargy continues, may have to run a blood test, I think she said complete blood panel (or something like that) -- to see if anything else is wrong. Right now, Kona is still on medication. I'm thinking, give her some time...
Did take her to the grocery store the other day -- needed supplies (necessities, you know dog food/cat food/vodka-- that latter for mom, ha!) though I was a bit worried that she may have an accident in the store. By law, as she is a certified Service Dog, I have to carry bags and wipes (in case of liquid accidents) and do carry those but have never had to use them before and thank god, didn't have to use them this time. She was well behaved, no accidents, but was very tired when we got home.
So a quiet week here, recovering, at the Pink House....
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Kona
Kona has been very sick this past week, diarrhea, lethargic--- me-- a total basket case -- It's been a hard week -- you all know how much I love and need Kona, can't live without her, she goes with me everywhere, driving, shopping, grocery stores, etc. controls my anxiety and I need her. She's my service dog.
So she's out there, straining to poop, nothing happening, waking me up 3-4 times each night to go out -- me with a flashlight seeing if she's "going" or not - or if "going" liquid or solid, and first tried (after talking to my vet) probiotics, anti-diarrhea over the counter meds--- no luck, then, Hillary (my vet) ordered a prescription med --
Last night, I thought she was dead.
She's laying on the bed, and not moving and I poke her, no response. I poke her again, no response. I am freaking out, and pretty much push her and she finally lifts her head -- looking at me, like "what?'"
Second day of prescription meds, seems Kona's getting better now--- a real poop today, whoa!!!
She's doing better today. Bouncing around, acting normal.
Today -- we had severe weather, storms, thunder, wind, lightening, tornado warnings. jeeepers Spent the day watching old movies.... watching Kona for any changes....
But Kona recovering -- thank god
She's feeling better, not 100% but keeping her on meds for 5 more days.....
Damn, I love this dog.
Don't know what I'd do without her.
So she's out there, straining to poop, nothing happening, waking me up 3-4 times each night to go out -- me with a flashlight seeing if she's "going" or not - or if "going" liquid or solid, and first tried (after talking to my vet) probiotics, anti-diarrhea over the counter meds--- no luck, then, Hillary (my vet) ordered a prescription med --
Last night, I thought she was dead.
She's laying on the bed, and not moving and I poke her, no response. I poke her again, no response. I am freaking out, and pretty much push her and she finally lifts her head -- looking at me, like "what?'"
Second day of prescription meds, seems Kona's getting better now--- a real poop today, whoa!!!
She's doing better today. Bouncing around, acting normal.
Today -- we had severe weather, storms, thunder, wind, lightening, tornado warnings. jeeepers Spent the day watching old movies.... watching Kona for any changes....
But Kona recovering -- thank god
Damn, I love this dog.
Don't know what I'd do without her.
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