First time I've decorated for Christmas since Bob's death....
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| Why does my mom do this to me? |
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| I believe someone is following me... how humiliating |
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| And the neighborhood goes bonkers as usual... View from the front porch |
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| Across the Street |
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| Luminaries lining the sidewalks |
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| Guard Dog on Duty |
MERRY CHRISTMAS
FROM DIANE, KONA & RIPLEY
I was looking for Christmas wrapping paper as our church is taking up a collection of toys to distribute to homeless families and wanted gifts wrapped... I bought a couple of toys and for the life of me could not find any wrapping paper -- knew I had some! But after exhausting every closet, box, drawer and coming up empty handed, I thought, maybe there's some in that old steamer trunk.
I have an 1880's steamer trunk in the hallway which has the name of my great-great grandfather stenciled on the side which was brought over from Germany. It's a big trunk and full of stuff, so I open it up and start digging through it looking for wrapping paper.
There I am, sitting on the floor in the hallway, surrounded by piles of doilies and embroidered pillow cases, antique paisley shawls (from the 1860's) and other assorted sundry stuff and I keep digging through until I come near the bottom and there is a stack of folded papers...
Love letters. From Bob.
They are not dated, but I can tell were written in 1994 before we were married... and I had totally forgotten about them.
So there I am, sitting cross-legged on the floor, reading old love letters for nearly an hour. My foot falls asleep and my legs are getting cramped, but I can't move. Crying and laughing, feeling like the luckiest and unluckiest woman in the world... reading things like:
I feel so much love for you that it's so hard to put into words. I've never felt this way before and have nothing to compare it to...
We're so lucky that we found each other. It's taken a lifetime of pain for the both of us to get to this point in life and we have to make sure that we stay together. I can't wait for the day when we are married...
After you left for work today, I sat and looked at your photograph for half an hour. You are so beautiful. In my eyes I have never seen someone as beautiful as you. Everyday I feel so fortunate to be with you and hope that you will always love me as much as I love you...
When you asked me to marry you I was very surprised. I Accept! Yes, You Bet! Uh-huh, Oh Boy! Golly Whiz Gee, Yah Sure You Betcha, Forever Love! I feel you will be the most beautiful bride and I can't wait to see the look in our eyes when we say we do and commit forever...
And this:
I do promise you this:
1. Saturday's are sacred.
2. I will always love only you.
3. I will always be totally faithful.
4. I will never hurt you.
5. I will never leave you.
6. I'll be just crazy enough to hold your interest.
7. I'll take a bath at least once a year whether I need it or not.
8. I won't become a religious, conservative republican, animal hater, anti-choice chauvinist male pig, abusive jerk, modern furniture lover, anti-feminist Bambi killer that likes to tear down historic buildings to put up parking lots.
He can still make me laugh even after all these years and from beyond the grave. Best Christmas gift ever.
I love you too, forever my darling, Bob.
Still not sure if I'm the luckiest or unluckiest...
Never did find that damn wrapping paper!
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| My Big Sis, Karen & Me 1961 |
In the Victorian times and well before, Christmas was a time for sharing ghost stories and also for remembering the dead by setting "the empty chair" at the holiday table.
So it shouldn't surprise me that my sister paid a visit to my spiritualist church... but it did.
The service had gone as usual, I only got one "reading" from a medium who told me he couldn't see anything around me except "a huge white cloud of love" and it was coming from "your sidekick" (Kona) who loves me so unconditionally that the energy of that love was blocking any other energy around me. Either that, or it was because I had treats in purse, ha!
But at the end of the service, Reverend Bev, the church leader, who rarely gives readings at Sunday service, stepped up to the podium and announced that she was being "bothered by impressions" and needed to share them. First, she asked, if anyone had a loved one on the other side who had a second name of "Blue" and she thought this was someone's pet. I immediately thought of Jonah Blue, the dog I had when I was 19 years old, my first dog, but before I could raise my hand, someone else did -- claiming they had a niece with "Blue" as a middle name but she was not deceased and Reverend Bev seemed a bit confused by this. So she quickly changed subjects and told us that she had been hearing the name "Karen". And was anyone here named Karen? Or had a loved one on the other side named Karen? As she couldn't tell if there was a spirit wanting to speak to Karen or a spirit telling her their name was Karen. No one raised their hand. So I raised mine.
Reverend Bev said, "Oh! Is your name Karen?"
Which I answered that my sister's name was Karen and she was indeed on the other side.
Reverend Bev concentrated a moment and began to deliver a message from Karen, it went like this:
"Your sister was fair-haired? And not long passed?" (correct)
"She says you had a rocky relationship," Reverend Bev makes a wavy motion in the air, "There were times when you were quite close but others when you were very distant." (correct again) "And she wants to apologize for those 'voids' when you weren't close..."
"Now, she's showing me white little... things that look like...flowers? They look like fluffy white flowers. Little fluffy white flowers falling from the sky. Did your sister like white flowers?" (I had no clue.) "Were there white flowers at her funeral?" (Again, no clue.) "Well she's showing me these white fluffy little things that look like flowers and they are falling from the sky and she's reaching out to catch them, these white fluffy sort of sparkling flowers. And she says she wants to give them to you to fill those voids when you were apart as these flowers represent happiness to her. And she wishes you happiness."
Oh-kay. None of this makes sense, except the fact that we did have an extremely rocky relationship... and there were certainly those times when we didn't even talk to each other... sometimes for years.
Reverend Bev goes on, "Now she's constricting my throat and my chest, I can hardly breathe. Usually this is a sign that the person died suddenly of a heart attack or not being able to breathe. And died quite unexpectedly. Is that correct?" (Correct.)
"And I will leave you with that, except she wants you to know she loves you. And she's okay with the way she passed."
So I go home confused about these white fluffy flower things and what they meant. Later that day, I spoke with my parents on the phone (both of them total skeptics) and told them Karen showed up in church.
My mom said, "Who?"
"Karen, your daughter. My sister."
"What do you mean showed up?"
"Well..." And I told them what I just told you and when I was done my mother gasped.
She said, "My goodness, I have a photo of your sister just like what you described. But it's milkweed pods. Do you know the picture I'm talking about? The white fluffy milkweed pods falling from the sky?"
I had no clue what picture my mother was talking about. My mom said she had taken the picture home with her after my sister's funeral, it was one that my nephew had brought to set at the altar. My mother liked the photo because to her it represented "freedom", feeling free and happy. Also, there were white daisies on the altar which were my sister's favorite flower. All this was news to me (I wasn't there, I broken my hand and was stuck at home, and honestly, didn't know my sister liked daisies...). My mom couldn't believe that Reverend Bev had been so right about everything and then she had my niece e-mail me a copy of the photo. Here it is:
Lately we've been engulfed with sea fog. It creeps silently in at eventide, slinking through the streets, slithering down the sidewalks, smothering the houses and clinging to tree branches in a thick smoky mist. It hangs like a cloud until mid-morning. One cannot see a half a block ahead. The mist is damp and the air is dreary... One feels like one has dropped into the English moors or a scene from a 1950's horror movie where phantoms lurk and women in white disappear around the corner...
On such one foggy night, I headed to my front porch to turn the Christmas lights off. (Yes, believe it or not, I put up lights--pink of course--for the first time since Bob passed. But I digress.) So I opened the front door and in the misty night a dark shadowy creature stood, not two feet away, facing my door. It was 3 feet tall with a large head, slim body and some kind of tall collar obscuring its neck. My mouth dropped open, my heart skipped a beat, I slammed the door shut.
Standing in the foyer, heart pounding, I wondered what the dark shadowy figure could be and why it was at my door. My mind immediately flew to "the grays", you know those short, thin extraterrestrials who purportedly abduct humans, transporting them onto strange crafts and performing horrific medical experiments: Betty and Barney Hill. Whitely Strieber. Travis Walton. But why me?
Then I thought, perhaps, it was a figment of my imagination. Or a shadow cast by the mist. Not a creature at all. Especially not a "gray" alien. So I slid the chain lock on the door and slowly, silently, cautiously turned the crystal knob, opened the door a crack so I could peer outside with one eye.
It was still there. Hadn't moved. Standing erect at attention. Facing my door.
I shut the door. Quickly. Heart still pounding.
I wondered why Kona didn't bark. Then remembered I had just let her out the back and she was probably waiting for me on the back porch.
I had an idea. Whatever the thing was, I'll scare it away. I flipped on the bright porch lights. Waited a few minutes and figuring it would work, I opened the door, slowly. The door creaked like a door in a haunted house...
And I saw it:
Yup, that's a flamingo umbrella! There was a card taped to its head which made the head larger in the dark. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out who it was from. The names inside the card are unfamiliar. I believe it's a neighbor... a new neighbor, whose names I don't know, but whom I've spoken to on several occasions. So last night, in the dark mist, I crept across the street and left a gift on their doorstep with a flamingo christmas card attached to it.... I do hope I figured right!
As my therapist says, everyone is feeling a bit "socially awkward" since we've been in isolation for so long, but I tell you, I had a full blown panic attack when I received an formal invitation to a friend's 70th birthday party "cocktail attire recommended".
My first inclination was to bow out politely. The party was indoors and didn't begin until 7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. CoVid concerns, driving in the dark, and for godsake -- cocktail attire! Eeeek!
This birthday was for one of my widow friends turning 70. So a mile stone birthday for her. I knew also that she had been down in the dumps about it and this was her way of coping, by throwing a party.
I was going to decline, but then one of the other widows in our group contacted me, offered to drive, said we should go for the birthday gal's sake, show our support, wear masks, leave early! So that was the plan.
OMG, I must have rummaged through my closets dozens of times, trying on a variety of things, some too tight, some too big, some not right... I am not exactly what you would call the "cocktail attire" type. After changing countless times, settled on a black skirt, black top, black lace scarf and elbow length black beaded gloves... Oh and black mask, shoes and purse. (The gloves and purse rummaged out from my vintage collection.)
Then comes the "socially awkward" part. What to talk about, wearing a mask, with people you don't know.... But my fellow widow friend was there and she didn't know many people either. So we were kind of an army of two... still --
It was stressful and sad: to my shock, the boyfriend of birthday gal came dressed wearing a black Fedora hat and suspenders and since I last saw him had lost weight and grown a mustache! I couldn't help thinking of Bob with his mustache and penchant for Fedora hats and suspenders... I nearly cried when they danced. It should've been us (Bob and me)... had to leave the room.
And the musician she hired was playing a Washburn guitar, exactly like Bob's...
Too many memories. Too many lovey-dovey couples there.
But I somehow survived the night.
Looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving, with the dog, the cat eating frozen pizza on the couch.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Since November 1st, I've been up before the crack of dawn every day (except Sunday) as contractors have been working on the house. Then all day the sounds of saws, sanding, banging of hammers, drills drilling, and of course Kona barking at all the commotion. And even one day, when two workers got into it, yelling at each other like grumpy old men, or an old married couple bickering outside my window... oh it's been hard to concentrate.
Finally, everything is finished. New ramp done. Two gates, repaired. Clawfoot tub straightened. Pealing paint scraped, sanded and repainted. Tile grouted. Two new faucets installed.
Feels good. I can't believe I put off so many repairs so long. Oh! How nice it is to have hot water in the bathroom! Faucet handles that actually turn on and off! And a ramp I'm not afraid I'll fall through...
Someone asked me, why I had to get up so early as most work was outside. But the one carpenter would bring his dog (a male pitbull) which was a nice dog, but I wasn't sure how it would react to Kona, so had to be up before they arrived (at first light of day) so I could let Kona out in the a.m. without worry. Also the tendency to leave gates open, etc.
I tell you my sleep schedule is all mixed up. (Add the daylight saving change into the mix.) The fur babies meal schedules are all off. And I got to get back to "normal" whatever that is.
But it's nice to have accomplished some sorely needed things... Nice to concentrate again. Get back to working at my desk. Swimming in my pool. Taking leisurely walks with Kona.
Feels good.
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| Cursed Cat Cutting Board |
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| Sinking Clawfoot... |
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| Tub Back Upright After Contractor fixed it. |
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| My attempt: still listing... |
OK, I know one shouldn't yell "FIRE" in a crowded theater, but no harm on an uncrowded blog....
I don't know what I did to piss off the Fire Demons or the Gods of Electrical Appliances, but I have had a couple of interesting days...
Yesterday, while cleaning in the bedroom, I was attacking some dog/cat hair in the corner near the electrical outlet where two lamps are plugged in. The hair was wound around one of the cords and in the process of removing it BANG! And a blast of fire! and I'm knocked to the ground. Thankfully not electrocuted, but my hand burnt and blistering. I quickly unplugged the lamp and went to tend to my hand, which began bleeding as the blisters broke open... Not a good day.
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| Lamp Cord |
Then this morning while I was listening to a radio program about the "Curse of Lizzie Borden" (interesting!) and waiting for my coffee to brew, I saw a sudden flash of light in the kitchen and smelled smoke.
So I ran into the kitchen to see the coffee maker was on fire! I mean, flames were licking the back of the coffee maker and bursting in the air toward the ceiling. I quickly unplugged the thing and threw a towel over it which smothered the fire but the room was full of smoke.
The back of the coffee maker was completely melted...
Spent a few hours airing out the house. Still smells.
Tried to fix the cord and ended up blowing a fuse... I give up!
Just another day at The Pink House.
PS: Good news, my father should be coming home from the hospital today. Thanks everyone for your kind words and prayers! |
| Melted Coffee Maker |
I was doing really well, writing every day, swimming every day, Kona and I walking 1.5 miles each morning and feeling pretty good then...
My father was hospitalized last Monday with pneumonia. Since, under the hospital's "expert care", he's suffered two TIA's (mini-strokes) and a fall from his hospital bed. He's still there...
I was walking Kona the other day, admiring the Halloween decorations (which I do love) and saw one house with a sign that read "DEAD and Breakfast" and "Vacancy". I tell you, that stopped me in my tracks. All I could think of was how Bob died in his sleep, my sister died in her sleep and --- What's wrong with people? That is so NOT funny.
I asked my grief counselor if I was overly sensitive, but she said that a lot of her clients have similar reactions to some of the halloween decorations and the people who put up those making fun of death probably have never lost someone close to them... they just don't get it.
Anyway, worried about my father. Hoping he will be home soon, so that hospital can't damage him further... Missing Bob, terribly, as he loved Halloween and my birthday is the day after... Hard to write lately, so been cleaning the house. (It needs it!)
Prayers, please, for my dad, Les. Thanks.
I will admit that September was a rough month for me. First my sister's death anniversary, a grim reminder of how short life can be. Then our wedding anniversary, and on that day, it rained and rained and I wasn't able to get out to do the thing I wanted, which was walking around the lake with Kona... I was in a dark place.
The Harvest Moon was in late September. I heard about it on the morning weather and that night, I wanted to go out and see it. Unfortunately, it was raining, hard. No view of the moon from the front porch, so I went to the back porch. Nothing to see, but rain. I thought if I stepped out into the yard perhaps I could see the moon, but it might be obscured by clouds and I would certainly get drenched.
I sat down. Thinking about the rain, how much Bob loved a rainy night. Thinking about my sister, what legacy did she leave behind? Two children, yes, but her whole life seemed to be broken down into things: her house, her belongings and the greed I saw of some who came like vultures circling her "remains" and it all seemed so sad... I still wanted to see the moon, but the rain was unceasing. And I thought, well, I'll get wet. Then thought, call me crazy, but I have a high privacy fence and I glanced toward the neighbors and saw no lights on, so I went inside, striped off my clothes, wrapped myself in a bath towel, stepped out onto the porch then dropped the towel and stepped out into the rain. The pouring rain falling on me.
Feeling like something I can't describe and havn't felt in so long. Freedom? Love? Happiness? Joy, even.
I reach my hands into the air and turned my face to the sky and didn't see the moon, but stood there buck naked, drenched in the pouring rain feeling suddenly free and rebirthed and Bob felt so close to me at that moment, in the rain.
After that night, since that night, I have been writing almost every day for several hours. I haven't had a drop of alcohol (not that I have problem, but it was a way to numb the pain) I swim every day (up to 50 laps now) and walk the dog every morning an entire mile. I also cut my smoking back to about 9 cigs a day. Not quite ready to quit completely yet. I'm sleeping better. Feeling better. And wake in the morning, not dreading the day, but looking forward to it. I want very much to leave a legacy and not end up like my sister. The only way I can do that is through my writing. So this is what I'm concentrating on... This is what Bob wanted. This is my writing life.
Wish me luck to stay the course....
In the middle of the night, my sister passed away in her sleep. Still hard to wrap my head around it. Only 64 years old.
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| RIP Karen, my "big sister". |
Seems lately it's been one thing after another here at The Pink House. I had just had HVAC system replaced (because of repeated problems, leaking through the ceiling, etc.) with a brand new Trane and suddenly, after a big storm, the thing started going whacky. It was on cool, but blowing out hot air. The thermostat was set at 70 but the numbers kept going up and up. I called the AC guy who came over and discovered a loose wire which turned my AC into a heat pump. Said he'd never seen anything like it. Fixed that, only to have the same thing happen a week later. The AC guy comes back and this times finds that a compartment of the unit in the attic had broken off... very strange. He had to re-strap it together. A week later, it happened again. I called him and he told me to turn off the unit and he'd be there first thing in the morning.
Morning comes and he returns to find the compartment broken again. He re-straps it up then checks the freon and finds it's reading too high, actually reading higher than when he filled it the week before. Weird.
Now a bit of backtracking here: when he originally installed the machine, we were chit chatting and he'd asked if I was getting out much because of CoVid and I told him I wasn't and my church was closed for renovations. He asked what church that was, I told him about the spiritualist church I'd been going to.
Back to the AC acting so strange. My AC guy tells me that in 30 years of business, he has never seen this many unexplainable weird problems and he truly, I mean truly, thinks the problem is that I visited with mediums and a negative energy had followed me home from my church, entered my house and a demonic force has possessed my AC system! He was dead serious...
Well, I smudged the house with sage, just in case, though I highly doubt that's the problem.
After that, I am working at my desk (still dealing with my sister's estate crap) when suddenly the chair collapsed under me, one leg completely broken off. This is one of those oak 1920's office chairs with the swivel seat and casters. I love this chair, had it for years. Thank goodness Kona didn't get hurt as she was right next to me when I went down with the chair. I didn't get hurt either. I found two screws that had fallen out and got out a screwdriver from the hall closet and re-screwed the thing back together, but while I was putting the tools back in the closet, a whole bunch of stuff from the top shelf came tumbling down, right on top of me. A lump on head and a huge lump on my arm, and yes the same arm I injured when I broke my hand. Spent a few days with an ice pack on my arm... Still hurts.
Then I get a telephone message from someone claiming to be an "independent process server" threatening to take me court if I didn't resolve a certain matter within 24 hours. First thought this was another scam, but after contemplating it, as it was not a robot-call, but a real person with a local number, decided to return the call to find out what was up. Gave myself a pep talk first, i.e. I am in control, I will ask questions, I will not give them any personal information. Called the place, turns out the guy actually had my name, birthdate, SS#, address, everything! He told me this was about an unpaid Citi Bank card, taken out in 2007, and I told him that was impossible, asked him to hold, managed to find the file of debts that were paid off in 2014 by our attorney after our settlement, found a letter which acknowledged payment of a Citi card but the last four digits he gave me were one digit different. I read him the letter over the phone. He began reading me the full Citi Card number and I began reading it aloud along with him, it was the exact same number except his ended in a 0 and mine in a 5. I said, I would find that highly strange that I would've had two Citi cards with one different digit at the end. He agreed that would be strange and asked me to e-mail him a copy of the letter I just read and he would pin it as resolved until they received the documentation. Which I did. Phew! Glad I called or might have been hauled off to court because someone made a typographical error.
Speaking of which, sorry for any typos. My hand still not working the best and of course now my arm hurts again. Grr....
So I'm coming home with Kona from her evening walk when I noticed a bizarre site in my pool. My little floating flamingo pool thermonitor seemed to be wearing a hat! What the -- ??
On closer look, I realized a grasshopper had somehow hitched a ride on its head! I've never seen a grasshopper in the pool before, let alone one taking a joy ride on my flamingo. I managed to save the little devil and, though I'd usually kill such a thing (terrible chompers on my plants) I instead released it over the fence into the alley, figuring he'd had a rough day already.
Imagine my surprise when the very next day he was back! Now that is weird. A new grasshopper sport? Flamingo riding? A thrill seeking, hitchhiking grasshopper? This time, I got my camera out before rescuing the little guy.
Wonder if he'll be back today?
Update: that flamingo riding grasshopper came back tonight! What is with that? Caught him (the grasshopper) in my leaf basket, tossed him over the fence (again)... will he show up tomorrow? That is the question... inquiring minds want to know..........and why?
(Click on photos if you want to see a zoom in closeup of this athletic hopper!)
Good news! Took Kona in for needle biopsy on all her lumps and all negative, just fatty cysts, just keep an eye on them.... Thank God! Now just have to deal with her allergies... new allergy panel indicates Kona is allergic to CATS! yikes! And believe me, Ripley is not going anywhere, we gotta figure this one out. Also allergic to beef and chicken, what dog food doesn't have that? Believe me, I found a dog food that didn't have white rice, potatoes, wheat, etc. way back when and it's impossible to find any kind of food that doesn't have something in it she's allergic too.
The vet today said, OMG your dog is allergic to everything! Yep, grass, trees, dust, etc. now cats! GA!
Anyway, no worries about cancer....
And I will sleep well tonight.
So my beloved Kona Jean has another ear infection, plus yeasty paws which she keeps licking and biting. Called my vet/friend to come over and take a look... and when she did a physical exam she found three lumps, one on Kona's neck (under her collar) large and round about the size of a ping pong ball, and two smaller ones on the back of her rear legs....
Okay, I'm freaking out.
I need her, love her, praying it's nothing ... praying it's not cancer. I need this dog.
Kona just turned 10 years old.
Got an appointment on Friday the 13th (luck day, right?) at 2:30 with a doctor (recommended by my friend/vet) at a clinic who can do a needle biopsy or aspirations of the lumps or surgery if necessary, as my vet who is a mobile vet isn't equipped for those procedures.
Meanwhile, we're doing ear drops and sprays for her yeast infections.
Keep Kona (and me) in your prayers and thoughts, thank you.
While I was writing my "Signs" post, a suddenly heard a soft voice seemingly coming from nowhere. I stopped and listened. I checked to see if I'd left the radio on in the bedroom, but no, it wasn't that. Maybe someone outside? I checked, but no one was there. Went back to my desk, still hearing the voice figured out it was coming from my Mini Mac.... weird.
So I listened. I had to nearly put my ear to the thing, then I recognized the voice of a medium I had gone to about a year or more ago. She had given me a recording of our reading and it was playing on my computer. I listened, transfixed. She was saying, "It was my time. There wasn't anything you could've done. We both now I felt that way before and nothing happened. My number was up. I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye and I love you."
"Now I'm seeing blue eyes, beautiful blues eyes. I know your eyes are blue but were Bob's eye's blue? Because I'm seeing two sets of blue eyes looking lovingly at each other."
"He says, Thank you for letting me know I was enough. You gave me the best years of my life. Even when it wasn't easy, you were always there for me. No one ever treated me that way. You were my true wife, even though I was married before, You are my true wife and we will always be married. He says he still feels married to you."
There was more, I can't remember it all. I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. I certainly didn't turn it on. So I listened, transfixed. I do remember her saying "share our stories, it's your life's purpose, don't forget to share the good times as well as the bad." And ended with "Until we meet again."
That's pretty much what I remember.
I was going to write about a reading I had gotten at the spiritualist church. This was when I was asking for a sign from Bob. I asked Bob to come to church with me, stand behind me, make yourself known, so I could a reading.
When the first medium stepped to podium he pointed me out and said, "There is a man standing right behind you. A young man, when I say young I mean early 30's maybe?" (well that confused me at first but then I remembered my mediumship teacher telling us that spirit can choose the way they appear, most choose to appear as they were in the prime of their lives)
The medium continued, "He's telling me that even though his life was shorter than he had hoped, you made all the difference. You made him truly happy. Now he's telling me that you helped him so much but he had some kind of cognitive problem" The medium puts his hand to his head, "Something wrong with his brain? And that made it difficult to speak and there were so many times he wanted to thank you for everything you did for him but he couldn't find the words, say the words. But he thanks you now. He's very thankful for everything and tells me he watches over you and will always be with you. And he loves you very much. I'll leave you with that."
And he goes on to the next person.
So that concludes "Signs"... And I am typing a little better now, but excuse the typos still not up to snuff with that bad hand.
PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAR FATHER, 85 years old today! Love you, Dad!
I let everyone hanging. Elsa came through as a CAT 1, fortunately no big damage here, except for scaring me shitless and the time of taking things (patio porch furniture/decor etc) in then out again, sandbagging, etc. Elsa did blow out my HVAC unit, which thankfully is still under warranty and fixed within a couple of days. But waiting for repairmen... such a pain
Then a termite swarm in my bathroom, grrr... but termite company came and re-treated the house, spent a lot of time, scoping out the house, looking behind doors, closets, moving furniture, so that I could tell the termite guy where there was evidence of termites, wings and such... so got that done.
Funny, aside about Ripley, who was (as always) snoozing in my office closet. Termite guy went to look inside the closet and I warned him there was probably a cat in there. And I hear the termite guy, "Oh! There you are! What a pretty kitty! You are a sweetheart! What a sweetie.." Whence Ripley shot out of the closet like a banshee, I do believe paws never touched the ground. ha! So much for the sweetheart kitty. I tell you, Rip was traumatized, didn't come out of hiding until that night when he poked his head out of the bedroom, looking both ways down the hall, then ran to "mom" and jumped on my lap.
Anyway..
Another day wasted arguing with a medical billing department regarding my hand surgery. I'd had a nerve conduction test which I was told, up front that the insurance wouldn't pay for, so I self-payed $370.00 and thought that was that until I get a bill for $1900+ for same nerve conduction test and no credit for my $370. Anyway all that straightened out now, but took hours to straighten out. (At least I hope it's straightened out!))
Then, got a message from a man in Australia who had read my blog and was wondering if I'd like to contribute my thoughts, experiences etc. to "MindMasters" classes on "Mindful Communication" for caregivers. Really not sure about this, but he sent me "modules" i.e. videos to review and I haven't even got through them all. I am flattered, but not sure how I could contribute. Still have to watch the rest.
Plus some issues I had to take care of with my banker as my sis died, needed to update beneficiaries...plus now I need to update my own will, haven't even gotten that far.... been busy
So just thought I'd post an update, I will be back to finish "Signs Part 2" meanwhile my crepe myrtle tree has been blooming gangbusters! First time since Bob died......
Sorry, was going to post earlier but things got in the way. Financial stuff, my sister's estate, my medical bills, now Tropical Storm Elsa bearing down. She's an iffy storm, could strengthen or weaken, no one is sure but certainly coming our way.
So getting supplies. Sandbagging the guest apt., Chris's old apt. which is ground level. Bringing in outside things that could fly away. Draining the pool down.
We are in a "state of emergency", shelters are opening, Tropical Storm warning. We are on the east side of the storm, so expecting at least heavy rain, high winds, possible tornadoes, storm surges 2-4 feet, etc. And with all the rain we have gotten these past weeks, the ground is already soaked, so trees falling, power lines, etc.
I am stocked up. In a non-evac zone, so hunkering down. Grateful it's not a CAT 5 but could become a CAT 1, will see.
Already feeder bands hitting us.
Hate it that Bob isn't here. He loved a good storm. Feeling so alone.
That's all folks! For now.
Been meaning to post this before I came down with such a bad vaccine reaction.. so here goes.
My grief therapist told me that I needed to get back into reading books, taking workshops, studying mediumship etc. She said I was much happier when I was doing those things and I will admit I've been on a downward spiral starting with the isolation from CoVid, my broken hand, my sister's death, car troubles, house troubles, etc. it's been a lousy year or so and I have been so very lonely. Feeling like Bob is not as close in spirit as I used to feel. So I did, took an online workshop, went back to the spiritualist church and sent "up a voice-mail" as my mediumship teacher used to say asking for a sign from Bob.
So I did this. Asked for sign. Nothing particular just something I would understand that it was from him. The day afterward, I'm walking Kona and there is a rock shaped like a heart in my pathway. But it's not very big, hardly really noticeable, and you have to stretch your imagination at bit. I looked at it and said, "Come on, Bob, you can do better than that!"
The next day, walking the dog, there was this blue jay who I swear was following us. The same jay, hopping from tree to bush to lamppost --- was this a sign? Not quite sure on that one.
Third day, again walking the dog, six blue feathers lying in my pathway. A sign? Maybe. I did pick them up, then thought, oh. Hope a blue jay didn't get attacked here or worse... If that was a sign, well sort of gruesome, Bob. I did take the feathers home, put them on the shelf, and in the morning they were scattered all over the floor. A sign? Or just the cat messing around?
Fourth day or maybe fifth, Kona wanted to turn around during our walk. Unusual, but she was persistent, so I let her lead me the way home. And there it was. Lying in the alley right across from my driveway. If we hadn't gone Kona's way, I may have missed it completely.
I know this may seem an odd sign, but if you knew Bob when he was a cartoonist, he loved drawing aliens in his cartoons. He also, after his first stroke would draw and write on flat rocks as a form of occupational therapy.....
And there I found this stone with an alien painted on it right in the alley, across from my driveway..
I was going to write more but, whoa. My computer just started talking to me...!
I mean, I heard a voice. Tried to figure out where the voice was coming from. Turned off the radio. And listened to hear my computer playing a recording of a medium reading I once had and the medium was saying ... well let's just say messages from Bob and I don't know how it got turned on and don't know how to turn it off....
So spent the last hour just listening and now I am a bit more than shaken.
Definitely, another sign...
I will post more later... but publish this part now. Sorry for any typos, still dealing with this darn hand.
Sorry Kona, that's just phrase you use when you've been really really sick. Had that second CoVid vaccine, the first gave me headaches... I told them I got headaches from the first shot, but was told just take Tylenol, may feel fatigue... and got that second shot.... OMG
I do not remember ever feeling so sick -- nausea, bloating, cramps, dizzy, headache, severe headaches, the type you can feel by touching your skull, around the base of my skull, plus bad taste in my mouth -- horrible, brushing my teeth or gargling could not get rid of it -- then diarrhea every ten minutes or so until nothing but blood in the toilet ... thought I was bleeding internally or something... honestly thought I was going to die...
Not that I am afraid of dying, I would see Bob, yes! But my dog, cat, my parents --- went to bed not knowing if I would wake up ...
Well I woke up, second 24 hours not as bad, headaches, nausea still very very tired...
Third day, just oh so tired...
I do not want to discourage anyone from getting the Covid vaccine, just telling my story.
And now they are saying people may need a booster shot --- NO FUCKING WAY for me. That's it. I am feeling better tonight, thank goodness, but no vaccines for me in the future.
Thanks for listening...
Blogger is changing some of its formats, one of which is the followers who get e-mails when I post a new post may not unless I do such and such. I have tried to follow the directions to make this work, something called a feed burner, but am not sure if it worked... ha! So if you stop getting e-mails, please don't forget about me. I'm still here!
Was going to post something else today, but tomorrow get my second CoVid shot. Had a not-so-good reaction to the first one, headaches for three days, so spent the day, getting stuff if order in case I don't feel well for a few days.
Later, and thanks for being a follower/reader!
today I woke to the worse day of my life. My darling, my love, was gone. Dead in his bed. A tribute to the love of my life.
Where did the time go? Bob, I love you, more and more and more. As we used to say.
And love you forever.... Miss you everyday. And thank you for being a part of my life, teaching me how to love, what true love really is...
Just don't understand why you had to leave so soon, too soon, we were supposed to grow old together. That was the plan... My love, my darling...
Whoa! Lots of comments on my last post, about probate and my sister's estate -- so thought I'd just try to clarify how it works, in Wisconsin, but possibly some other states as well.
So, some one dies. Has a will and lists an executor or representative (it's called different things in different states) in their will. In my sister's case she listed me and my father. Then in her will she just said 50/50 split as heirs to her two children, nothing for her executors. Over the years, she'd bought life insurance and had retirement funds which she put a POD on (Payable On Death) beneficiary of her two children. So those things don't have to go to probate. However a couple things, including one annuity and one bank account, she didn't do that. Also she did not specify any personal belongings to anyone, i.e. car, house, etc. Thus we must go to probate.
It costs money to go to probate. You need an attorney. You have to file with the court. There are court filing fees. You have to have an inventory of the amount of money the estate is worth, ie. hire appraisers for real estate and personal property. You have to pay this attorney. You have to pay the appraisers. You have to pay probate filing fees. And then it comes down to you have to get rid of the personal property which means hiring someone to do an estate sale. Meanwhile you have to file IRS plus Wisconsin estate taxes. In my sister's case, also her last year she was alive income taxes plus death/estate taxes. So you hire an accountant. We also, with what little money in her non-POD accounts have had to keep paying her 2 mortgages, property taxes, house insurance, utility bills until probate is over. That money is dwindling. That is what we (executors) of the estate have to do. Right now we have been paying bills etc. through her estate account, but like I said the money is dwindling.
Anyway, in my case, when my Bob died, the attorney's/probate/tax accountant fees total were over $16,000. We didn't even have to appraise anything because I was both heir and executer.
So here is where my father and I stand. We have to pay the attorney, pay the taxes, pay probate filing fees, pay the appraisers, pay mortgage payments and other bills connected to the property (credit cards have been paid off already) and pay the woman who is hopefully is going to do an estate sale -- not sure because of Covid, but hopefully can have an estate sale. And hopefully that will make enough money to pay all the bills. And all this is taking time because of Covid, and no estate sales were being held, just beginning to start up in June. And don't even ask about stuff that has disappeared.... it's been a mess.
If we still owe money, the "short fall", as the attorney phrased it, it's our responsibility. Even though the heirs have already cashed out over $100,000 in insurance and annuity payments. Now that is a Wisconsin law... some states the heirs have to pay, but in Wisconsin it's the executors of the estate who have to pay all those bills.
So! That's how it works, folks, Update your wills! Leave your executors some cash. Or make up some kind of trust or POD everything you can.
And PS: in a few days it's Bob's death anniversary and I am an emotional mess... just saying
Whoa, just got an EOB (explanation of benefits) from my health insurance company saying I owe $18,293.23 for my hand surgeries. I tell you, nearly had a heart attack. Glad I didn't, because they probably wouldn't have paid for that either.
Of course I made many phone calls, spent hours on the phone, but looks like it's true. Didn't know my health insurance was so, excuse me, shitty. I mean, I have paid over $22,000+ in premiums, over the past several years, and when I finally need it, they have paid a measly $7500 toward my medical bills.
Jeepers. Why bother having insurance? Trying to figure out how to get a different health insurance plan. Not easy, too young for Medicare, too"rich" for Affordable Health Care aka Obamacare.... 60 years old now... We definitely need Universal Health Care in this country. The prices charged by hospitals and doctors are ridiculous.
Meantime, I'm sure you have heard about the gas shortage here in the south. Decided I'd better fill up the car, thankfully no lines, but $3.50/gallon. Whoa! Well, glad my car isn't a gas guzzler, filled the tank, doesn't even equate when thinking about the $ I'm going to be paying for medical bills. But still...
Then the attorney for my sister's estate says if there is a "shortfall" i.e. there are bills left to be paid after probate me and my father as co-executors have to pay those bills out of pocket. Even though we are not heirs, who are getting money, and we don't even get so much as a damn brooch out of that estate...
And my hand still not working. Damn!
Oh well, isn't life fine....
I didn't realize I have been so neglectful of my blog, over a month of silence. So sorry.
A word of advice to any readers out there: if you don't have a Last Will & Testament, draw one up. If you have make sure it's up-to-date. Unfortunately my sister's will is over 20 years old and so very outdated. She left my father and me as co-representatives, not knowing that when she passed I would be 1400 miles away and my father in his 80's. She didn't specify any particulars on how to split her assets except 50/50 between the kids. She didn't have PODs (payable on death) beneficiaries on many of her bank and annuity accounts. All this has left her estate a complete mess in Probate. Add family disputes, things disappearing from the house, me rushing to notarize paperwork to send up north. My father's medical issues causing the burden to fall on my mother. Add Co-Vid and the inability to hold an estate sale. Days spent on the couch in tears.... Like I said, a mess. My therapist says that my sister's death plus the isolation from Co-Vid is bringing back my grief from losing Bob and I do miss him now more than ever. It will be 6 years this month...
On top of dealing with this, spent an entire day at a car detailer "mold bombing" my formerly flooded car. Which afterwards smelled like a toxic waste dump, and the conditioner they used left the gas and brake pedals so slippery that it was nerve-racking drive home.
And hours on the phone dealing with my insurance regarding medical bills, including one that was submitted to the wrong insurance company and then turned over to collections.... And insurance claim paperwork.
Having to have a new AC unit installed... etc. with general usual home maintenance and mold issues in the house.
Still working with on my hand therapy...
My book manuscript has come to a screeching halt.
I will be try to post more regularly in the future.
Sorry again. Excuse any typos, fingers still not working right. Frustrating.
Since my sister's death and three hand surgeries and on-going trouble with my fingers, life has not been the same. Even with the pandemic, I was at least coping: working on my writing, trying to keep on top of the chores, swimming, walking the dog, then everything fell apart.
Sort of like my window box:
Which I finally got around to replanting....
And I called the AC guy.
Remember my warping counter top? Also been dealing with mold and mildew and uneven floor boards. All this time I thought I was doing something wrong, turns out that the AC the original contractor insisted on putting in the house is too big and is causing humidity issues...
I tell you, if this is true, I could kill that contractor, for now I have to replace the whole system to hopefully fix this damp old house.
I was starting to get things done, feeling pretty good -- even with my darn gimpy hand, making plans to start working on my writing, getting the house in order, walking Kona a mile a day, swimming, etc. then the phone rings and it's a robocall threatening to sue Bob, yes you read that right, not me, but Bob. Usually I do not return these scam calls, but this one pissed me off so I called back and basically screamed at the guy who answered the phone that his company was threatening A DEAD MAN! And afterwards, after slamming the phone down, I curled up on the couch and had an honest to goodness nervous breakdown. Was sick for the days afterwards...
Sometimes I just can't deal with everything.
So much for trying to get my act together....
PS: Kona doing better.
I'm talking about Kona... Another ear infection, plus a belly rash and she's licking bald spots on her hips. Vet thinks she was bitten by some bug or got into something she's allergic too.
So my day has become a caregiver day once again. Two different pills two times daily, her morning immunotherapy pump, her p.m. ear cleaning and drops, and 2-3 times daily anti-itch spray.
Kind of too familiar....
I know this blog has been quiet... partly has I'm still trying to get my fingers back in play, partly because seems my house is crawling paperwork and things to do...
My office looks like a tornado hit! Yellow files insurance forms, red/pink my sisters estate... mixed in my manuscript notes and sundry things to take off my to do list, like request replacement for Kona's missing dog tag and an exemption for jury duty summons and bills, bills, bills.... Not to mention stuff to fix a stuck mouse, aargh, household projects/repairs needing to be done or just finished including tree trimming, pool repairs, still need to call AC guy and just cleaning up not only my office but the whole messy house .... hoping things will calm down soon....
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| My desk! |
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| My Other Desk! |
I had the strangest dream. I died and ended up in -- heaven? Well didn't look like any heaven I know, but a large white walled room, filled with people. There was a thin, young man next to me and I asked him, "Where are we?" He said. "Don't you know, we're dead?"
There was a woman in a business suit with a clipboard, she was asking our names and checking them off, then she would call out a color: Yellow! Pink! Blue! And another woman would come forward and hand each of us a robe, a white thin cotton robe with a cloth belt. In the middle of the robe was a large colored stripe. Mine was yellow. I looked over to the thin man, his was pink and splattered with blood. I quickly checked my robe to make sure there was no blood on it. There wasn't.
Then we were told to go to the door that was the same color of the stripe on our robe, put our robes on and enter that room. I, along with some others, shuffled to the yellow door, opened it, inside were people sitting on yellow plastic chairs wearing the same type of robes, all looking rather bored. Then I spotted Chris in the corner.
"About time you got here, bitch," she said.
"How long have you been here?"
"I don't know, seems like forever. These bastards just keep us waiting and waiting."
"Have you seen Bob?"
"No."
I scanned the room looking for Bob but he wasn't there. I started worrying he had been sent to a different room with a different colored robe....
Suddenly, I was back in my bed. I thought, oh my god, I'm dead and now I'm a ghost! Haunting my own house! I laid there for a moment wondering, was I a ghost? Then thought, if I were, shouldn't I be floating above my bed, looking down?
Tentatively, I turned to my side, happy to see I wasn't floating and the movement made me pass gas. Truly, I nearly laughed out loud. Ghosts don't fart! At least I've never heard of a farting ghost. I looked at the clock, the familiar stuff on my nightstand, finally sat up, slipped on my slippers, Kona's and Ripley's cue that mom was up and it's time for breakfast...
I don't even know why I'm blogging this weird dream, guess I just can't get it out of my mind.... but I tell you I often go to bed wondering if I will wake up. After what happened with Bob. And my sister.
And I am going crazy with paperwork, my medical insurance, my sister's estate...
Sometimes I just feel like I'm going crazy.
At least this post is giving me some good finger exercise. My hand is still very sore and stiff....
I'm sure you have heard of the Invisible Man, now meet the Invisible Woman: me.
I tell you these past few weeks, I have disappeared!
Started with an scheduled termite treatment. Guy was supposed to be here between 2-3 p.m., no one showed up. Called their office, said I was on the schedule, but no one assigned a technician....
OK, so rescheduled that. That day, I wait and wait and no one shows up again... so call the office. Oh, I am on the schedule, but they forgot to assign a technician once again to come out. Grrr... So reschedule. (And don't tell me to change companies, it's under warranty)
Then, I have a follow up with my hand surgeon, 2:50 p.m. Go there, check in. Still having problem with my pinky and ring finger, typing is a bitch, let alone sometimes that hand just shakes and sweats... so I'm thinking I need OT....
Sitting in the waiting room, 3 o'clock, 3:30, I see a woman close to me who is stroking her hand and ask her what doc she is there to see, same one as mine, her appt. was 3:00. I tell her mine was 2:50... we both shrug, doctor must be running late...
Meanwhile, Bubba is scheduled to pick up my flooded out car at 5:00, so I am worried about several things, i.e. am I ever going to see the doc, and then will the car start, will I make it home.... anyway...
3:45, they call in the woman who had the 3 p.m. appt. She looks at me, shrugs, and goes in.
I go to the counter and ask them, what's up? I had a 2:50 appt. and they just called in the 3:00 appt, and they tell me I never checked in! I tell them yes, I did. The computer has no record of me....
I tell you, I think I have disappeared!
So! Finally got my hand back, well sort of... cast off, stitches removed, hand unwrapped. Finally able to use it, though my pinky and the finger next to it still stiff, hard to type, but I am trying and doing my rehab exercises.
And finally able to drive my car! Well sort of...
So I finished up the insurance claim paperwork and was getting masked up, ready to go to the post office, go out to the car and it's dead.
Deader than a doornail... I manage to unlock the door with the manual key and see that there is a huge puddle of water on the floor by the passenger seat, the seat is all mildewy -- what the heck.
So I call Geico. A guy shows up to jump my battery. Tells me he thinks my moon roof is leaking... Also I should get a new battery.
So I dry out the car, go to advanced auto parts, get a new battery, hit the road, feels good to be behind the wheel! Until my dash starts lighting up in huge letters CHECK CHARGE SYSTEM!
So I turn around, go back to the auto parts place, they bring out some gizmo, hook it to the car and tell me my alternator is rippling..... and I need a new one. But they don't have one, nearest one in Texas...
I can't get a hold of Bubba, our mechanic, so the parts guy recommends a local mechanic who they say can probably find the part faster. I contact him, alas, he cannot find the part... in fact we are still waiting for the part to arrive.
Meanwhile, talk to a guy I know who checks the car and says it's not the moonroof leaking, but the door. He suggests armoral the rubber seal around the door and get some Damp Rid and that should take care of the leak.... So I do.
Then it rains, and once again water in the car. aargh!
Finally did reach Bubba, he thinks it's a body seal on the car that's leaking...
Anyway, good news I can drive again! Bad news, the car can't....
Anyone want to buy a slightly used Honda Fit, 2016, 5,000 miles driven only by an old lady to the grocery store and pharmacy.... includes indoor swimming pool!
Always wanted an indoor swimming pool, just not in the car....
And phew! finally got this typed. Never realized how much you use that pinky finger typing, ouch!
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